


solar wind

by starryJ



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mentions of attempted rape, More tags to be added, Secret Relationship, Youtuber!Wonpil, a tiny bit of jealous!jae, brian is hiding something, he has a secret crush on dowoon, no actual rape, security!dowoon, singer!brian, singer!sungjin, some smut but not too detailed, wonpil is a beauty blogger, wonpil is the real hero, youtuber!jae
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2020-05-18 21:21:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 84,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19342888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryJ/pseuds/starryJ
Summary: singer!brian, youtuber!jae au, in which they are whipped for each other and have a secret relationship - not because they are afraid, but because jae finds their ship name made by fans really funny and doesn't want to ruin their illusions. he acts like brian's fan, constantly uploading new covers on his channel, attending his concerts and tweeting “i wish i met youngk in real life too” more often than he eats. both his and brian's fans find it adorable and want to at least see them together on stage one day, but little do they know.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi hello guys!  
> i've had this idea for a year now and i'm super excited to write it.  
> this is my first chaptered work in years and i'm really worried about how it will go, so if it's not much of a trouble for you, please leave kudos and comments to let me know about your thoughts. that is really important to me.
> 
> all mistakes are the result of me writing at night, so if you find any feel free to tell me. english is not my first language, but i'm doing my best, so don't judge me please! :)
> 
> i hope you will enjoy this story as much as i do! love y'all

it’s way past three am when jae finally uploads a new acoustic cover for one of youngk’s most popular songs ‘man in a movie’ on his youtube channel. he can’t hide a tired, but satisfied smile when his twitter blows up with notifications from the fans – he hasn’t even posted anything about the cover yet, but knowing that he has such devoted fans makes his heart flutter. this cover meant a lot to him, he spent two weeks working on recording and filming and stayed up this late today simply to get everything done before youngk’s last concert of his second american tour which is happening, well, today. he rubs his eyes sleepily and stretches before getting up from the warm spot on the couch where he spent the last two hours finishing editing and polishing every little detail.

leaving the couch makes jae feel a bit less worn out and sleepy and he even thinks of maybe getting a cup of coffee and continuing working on another video for his channel (which is, surprisingly, not a youngk fan account despite tons of covers of his songs), but then glances at the clock and mentally slaps himself for messing up his sleeping schedule on the day of the most important concert of all so far. his eyes ache from staring at the screen for so long, but he still takes his phone to the bathroom and starts typing a tweet while brushing his teeth and going through the evening skincare routine.

@jaesix 3:46 am.

wassup guys! finally got that new cover up – check it out now on my channel here!! and to everyone who’s gonna be at @youngk93 concert, have an amazing evening and stay safe. new video will be up by the end of this week, hopefully, so stay tuned!

when he presses the “send” button he immediately goes to the notifications section because interacting with fans is probably his favorite thing to do after playing guitar and filming stupid (and not so stupid) videos for his yt channel. he started his own channel almost four years ago, so by now he’s pretty popular (even though wonpil always says that he “has more followers by just dropping things on the floor and breathing”, but jae just brushes it off with an “at least they’re enjoying my content and not just me being miserable”), but every tweet and reply is still like a special gift for him, especially when it has to do with covers.

most of the content on his channel is entertaining and is made purely for fun, though some videos are deeper, he does lots of collaborations with friends, loves doing q&a’s and live chats with fans and enjoys all of it equally, but there’s also something that he finds peace at, something that brings him happiness and doesn’t ever feel like work and it’s singing. jae never wanted to be a famous artist, no, he is grateful to be where he is now, and he never actually knew he would love singing like this – until he met youngk, no, until he met brian kang.

their first meeting was awkward and brian still laughs at jae’s clumsiness, but they hit it off immediately and that is what matters. at least that is what jae always says when brian starts singing his awfully stupid ‘i-miss-my-shirt-that-was-sky-blue-until-i-met-you’ song, but still flushes bright red every time it happens. the shirt had to be thrown away, obviously, because coffee shows no mercy, but in return brian got jae’s number and a date. jae tried to give him money, because hey, how was he supposed to recognize a rising star under the name “youngk” when he’s never heard of him before and was as blind as a bat? of course, the money thing didn’t work, so jae had to leave his number (he could’ve just given a fake one, but now he thinks it was the best decision he’s ever made) and that is how it all started.

during the date jae learned three things. first – brian was not a serial killer, but a singer and god was he a talented one. second – brian was a very nice man, a gentleman, as jae’s mom would say, but back then he couldn’t figure out why’d kang act this way with him and just assumed that he liked every single person in the world (which wasn’t entirely true, but that jae learned a lot later). third – well, the third thing was that he had completely fallen for brian’s sweet voice and his fox-like eyes and he had absolutely no idea what to do about it, so the first thing he did after coming back home was googling everything about brian and listening to every song he could find. that led him to filming a very unusual video for his channel, which eventually got him even more love from his fans, attention from brian’s fans and another date.

jae smiles looking through all the replies he got on the newest tweet – some of them are really sweet (“go to sleep”, “for god’s sake it’s 3 am do you even sleep”, “your voice is angelic”, “thank you for always supporting yk!!” and many more), some make him laugh because both brian and jae’s fans tend to think they’d be a cute couple and think of every interaction of theirs as a hint (“omggg i bet youngk will play this song today”, “guuuyyyss he retweeted again he’s so whipped for jae’s covers”, “how to be jae – i want yk’s attention too!!”, “couple of the century don’t even @ me”), but one tweet especially draws his attention – it’s really simple, just a question if he’ll be at the concert as well, yet jae really wants to reply to this one.

@jaesix 3:55 am.

@158foxk i wish i could be there but workworkwork :(( can’t make it this time *sad jae*

he knows that brian is too busy with concert preparations to text him personally and it’s probably the first time during this tour that he’s glad it goes like that. if he had time, he would definitely ask what happened with jae’s pinky promise to attend the last concert (as if he himself didn’t want to, he was brian’s biggest fan after all), but now he’ll just have to go with that half-assed excuse on twitter, which makes jae’s plan to surprise brian easier to be fulfilled.

his phone dings with yet another notification, but this one is about a tweet from brian, and jae can almost see how his lips form a sad pout as he types it. he must be really tired with all these preparations and, honestly, all jae wants is for the concert to be over soon so that he could finally have his boyfriend back in his arms, but time is not on his side so he just opens the tweet and sighs.

@youngk93 3:58 am.

about to sleep! can’t wait to see you guys today, let’s meet soon! btw check out @jaesix’s new cover for ‘man in a movie’, it’s so damn good!!! too bad he won’t be there, will we ever get the chance to meet???

“sooner than you think,” jae whispers into the darkness before locking the phone and putting it under the pillow. the thought of melting in brian’s warm embrace keeps him awake for a few more moments, but then he gives up and slowly, slowly dozes off to sleep.

today’s a big day for them both, indeed.

////

jae wakes up because of the sound of someone knocking on the front door – a very loud sound. saying “knocking” would be underestimating this action, actually, because he’s pretty sure that whoever decided to ruin his sleep is planning to ruin everyone else’s sleep as well. fully understanding that it’d be a miracle if the neighbors didn’t wake up yet, jae takes his time getting out of bed and putting on his favorite ripped black skinny jeans, them being the only piece of clothes to be found without glasses, and only then goes to open the door. as soon as he does so a very furious kim wonpil literally storms into his apartment, leaving jae to close the door behind him in pure shock.

“you’re an idiot, jae,” wonpil says when jae turns around with a “what-the-hell-is-going-on” look.

“mornin’ to you too, weren’t you supposed to film something today or at least not come here like at all?” jae asks, still confused.

wonpil just sighs.

“brian texted me tonight,” he says, giving jae a stern look that makes the older want to curl into a ball and become really-really small or maybe even invisible. sometimes wonpil knows how to look threatening. “he asked if you really have work today because he’s worried about your relationship.”

“did he…really say so?”

“do you have work?”

“what? no, i’m-” jae tries to finish the sentence, but wonpil cuts him off.

“then why? listen, jae, i may not be the most experienced in relationships person, but what i know is that brian really loves you and that he’s afraid of losing you. you used to attend each and every concert of his, you literally built your schedule not to miss any of them, and then he goes on tour, you don’t see each other for two months and you end up announcing you won’t attend his last and most important concert of the tour via twitter, not bothering to text him personally?”

“that’s not what i meant!” jae tries to defend himself, but he understands that wonpil is right and starts to feel really bad about it.

“i don’t care what you meant there. you’re my best friend, but i won’t let you ruin your relationship like this even if it means yelling at you and acting offensive. brian is the best man you’ll ever find, trust me, i know that no one else will be able to not only accept your personality, but love and adore it, so as long as i’m alive i won’t let you break his heart.”

“woah, easy, pil, i didn’t mean to hurt brian in any way, you make everything sound a lot worse than it actually is. i realize that it was a stupid move, i should’ve texted him, but i just wanted to surprise him! he’s no better than me, though, he could’ve just asked me, not my best friend, especially knowing that you can never keep your mouth shut when it comes to such things,” jae sighs as he opens the fridge and searches for something that could pass as a breakfast.

wonpil seems to believe the sincere tone of his voice, but he still doesn’t look fully convinced, so jae continues.

“i missed him a lot, i don’t even know what i was thinking about, but i was sure this small lie wouldn’t do any harm. i thought that i’d watch the concert backstage like i usually do and then- what should i do now? should i send another tweet to keep his spirit up or go with what’s already planned? you know, i told dowoon, that cute security guard of brian, about the plan, and the staff is going to play along, but maybe i can still change it,” he sits on the kitchen counter deep in his own thoughts, breakfast long forgotten now.

“i’m not the best when it comes to giving advice, but i suggest you go with the plan, just… text him something. you both acted like kids, but his fear of losing you is real and that is what you do have to change. and you should probably hurry up if you’re actually going to attend the concert because it starts in two hours,” wonpil says and can’t help but laugh when jae falls from the counter, having finally noticed that it’s not morning at all.

“that is a disaster,” he almost cries as he runs to the bedroom to get dressed and at least try to do something with his already fading purple hair.

“a ‘thank you, wonpil’ would be nice too, you know,” wonpil yells from the kitchen, but jae chooses to ignore him.

it’s not that he’s not thankful, but time is not on his side again and all he can think about is brian, who almost made himself believe that jae doesn’t love him anymore and has to play a whole show with this thought now.

“thank you,” he says, eventually, before leaving the apartment, because he can’t even think what he’d do without wonpil.

kim just smiles and wishes him a good evening. jae hopes that it will be a good one too, but deep inside he is really worried about (finally) seeing brian after such long time.

////

brian’s phone buzzes with a notification when he’s in the middle of today’s soundcheck. he doesn’t see it until it’s time to get dressed for the show, but when he does, he can’t hold back a tired, but relieved smile.

“i love you,” that’s how a short message from jae goes, but it is enough to make all of his worries go away, at least for some time.

////

there’s still twenty minutes left before the show when jae arrives to the venue. dowoon waves at him and gestures to come closer, but doesn’t let him in just yet, which means that brian is still the waiting room. jae greets him, but yoon only gives him a nod and a very serious look because he’s not allowed to smile at work, even if he works for his friend, even if it’s jae who he talks to. jae understands that, he knows that dowoon is the biggest sweetheart when he’s off work, so he just lingers by the door and waits for these minutes to pass.

“you look cool in that suit,” he notices and dowoon can’t help but let a small smile adorn his face. “how was the tour?”

“brian wanted to walk around every city, so i had to always be with him. wasn’t that difficult because most of his fans are understanding, but a few weeks ago some crazy girls almost attacked him. you probably saw that on twitter, it was a big topic,” he says.

jae just nods, he remembers how worried he was that night and how he couldn’t sleep until brian sent him a selfie from his hotel bed. dowoon seems to understand that it still bothers jae, so he tries to change the topic, but it only gets worse, even though he means to cheer him up.

“i’m glad you made it here, because brian was very nervous before the show. he wouldn’t admit that to me, but he was feeling down lately since you guys couldn’t talk as much as he wanted to due to him being so busy. he looks happy on stage because he’s with his fans who love him, but off-stage he just looks like a whole different person. he feels lonely and needs to have someone by his side, but i guess having me is not enough, he needs sungjin and you,” dowoon sighs and looks at his watch – ten minutes left.

“is sungjin here too?” jae asks, slightly amazed because he’s heard from brian that sungjin is busy recording his new album.

“nah, but he posted a video on instagram supporting the concert, that’s already something. okay, i think you can go in now, enjoy the show! and jae? please make brian smile, i can’t see his sad face anymore.”

dowoon lets him enter the building and shows the way to brian’s waiting room before quickly saying goodbye and going down to the concert hall. jae decides to watch the show while hiding somewhere backstage and he finds a good place right at the moment when brian goes up on stage. the crowd goes wild as soon as he starts playing the first song for today, ‘i smile’, and jae suddenly wants to be among these girls, looking at brian, no, youngk, from the hall, singing his heart out and chanting loudly, but all he can do here is whisper the lyrics and smile, smile, even if seeing, but not being able to touch brian hurts him.

time flies unnoticed and in what feels like five minutes brian goes down to greet his fans and jump with them during ‘sing me’ and jae feels so excited as if he was jumping next to him too. the concert’s friendly and warm atmosphere is something he missed a lot and god does he enjoy it now. as soon as the song ends the reality hits him like cold water and he almost jumps at the realization that he is finally, finally seeing brian in just a few minutes, so he gets up from the floor where he spent at least half of the concert and makes his way to the small room almost bumping into someone from the staff. the woman just smiles at him and he assumes that she is brian’s stylist, so he greets her politely and enters the room.

he spends a few seconds looking for a place to hide, but it’s so small that he decides to simply stand in the middle of the room, waiting for brian to come back here. and now, when he’s both excited and nervous and still high from the concert, time seems to slow down or maybe even freeze. he starts playing with the hem of his shirt, counting seconds and listening to whatever is happening outside. he can still hear the fans chanting “youngk” loudly, but the sound dies down pretty soon and the next thing he hears is the staff congratulating him on a successful finish of the tour. he hears brian’s tired, but happy voice, hears him thanking everyone and promising them a dinner to celebrate it, and then kang says he’s exhausted and needs some time alone. everything goes quiet for a second before the door opens.

brian’s eyes widen in shock when he sees jae standing right in front of him, nervous blush spreading on his cheeks and shy smile shining brighter than the stars up in the sky. he looks confused, to say the least, and his brain takes a few moments to process the fact that it’s jae, that he actually came to support him, that he cares, that he’s here.

at first they just look at each other, not knowing what they should do after being apart for so long, and brian’s mind is full of different stupid thoughts – should he hug jae or do they just talk, what if jae actually came here to announce their breakup, but then the desire to kiss him right there and now takes over his mind and he moves forward before even thinking about it much.

“hi,” he breathes out when he gets impossibly close, their noses touching now.

jae smiles and puts his hands on brian’s incredibly tensed shoulders, making him relax at the touch.

“hello,” he whispers back and feels brian’s warm breath on his lips.

“i missed you,” brian says in a quiet voice as if saying it louder would make it meaningless and ruin the moment. “i missed you so damn much.”

“can you kiss me?” jae asks because feeling brian’s lips brushing against his but not being able to kiss them is a bit too much for him to handle.

brian does just that, he leans closer and captures jae’s lips in a painfully slow kiss that lasts until they both feel the need to pull away for breath.

“you’re an idiot, jae.”

“excuse me?” he asks, lips forming an adorable pout that brian wants to kiss away.

he steals another quick kiss before placing his hands on jae’s waist and holding him even closer.

“why didn’t you text me first?”

“i’m sorry,” jae mumbles, looking sad all of a sudden. “i wanted to surprise you, but i should’ve thought about it more.”

“you’re such an idiot,” brian repeats, but he doesn’t sound angry, instead there’s a smile on his face. jae loves it.

“listen, i don’t know if having me in your arms counts as a reward for a very successful end of your tour, but what i know is that you’re going to fall asleep in a few moments if we remain like this. you’re exhausted, bri,” he says as he places a soft kiss on his forehead.

brian just hums instead of replying and already has his eyes closed.

“please tell me you have tomorrow as a day off,” jae almost pleads. “you’ve worked so hard and i’m incredibly proud of you, and now you need your sleep. i really want to talk about the tour and everything, but you should go home now.”

“will you come with me?” brian asks as he looks up and jae sees hope in his fox-like eyes.

who is he to say no when it’s what he desperately wants too? he just nods and gets a smile brighter than the sun in return.

“i think your fans are waiting outside for you to show up, so i’ll have to use another exit. that’s okay, right?”

“just don’t take too long,” brian reluctantly lets him go, but not without another sweet kiss.

he leaves the room first, jae following him a few minutes later.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leaving a comment adds +100 to your karma and makes me wanna work on this story harder!

“don’t you even think about going to bed without showering,” jae warns when they finally get to kang’s house.

brian seems to do just that as he turns straight to where his bedroom is. jae sighs – this is going to be a long night.

“bri, you need to shower first,” he says. “you’re gross after the concert and you’ll regret that in the morning, i know you.”

brian doesn’t reply, he doesn’t have any strength left for talking, he just shakes his head and makes a move towards bedroom, but jae quickly stops him by grabbing a hold of his hand. he hurries to the bathroom, turns on the water and makes sure it’s warm enough for the younger not to get burned or freeze in the shower. brian just stands next to him with his eyes closed refusing to let go of jae’s hand and only reacts when jae starts gently shaking his shoulders.

“i’ll bring you some clean clothes, maybe i can even find your favorite pajamas if i’m lucky, and get the bed ready, okay? brian!” he has to raise his voice to at least get brian to open his eyes. “you can shower yourself, right? i can stay and help, if you need me to.”

“i’m fine, just sleepy,” is the quiet reply, but brian really does look a bit better now. “you go ahead and feel like home, i’ll be out soon.”

jae smiles at him and heads back to the living room to find something that could count as comfortable clothes for brian. he hasn’t been in this house for two months and only visited it a few times before because brian bought it about five months ago, so at first everything is a bit unfamiliar to him, but soon enough all of his memories get back and he easily finds the right drawer. he picks black underwear and an old t-shirt, knowing that brian doesn’t like wearing anything else to sleep, and leaves it by the door before giving himself a tour around the house.

while brian is showering, he wipes off the dust from all the furniture, stopping sometimes to look at the pictures and posters that brian so desperately wanted to put on the walls to make the house look cozy and lived in even when he was away. the problem is that it doesn’t look lived in at all and that really bothers jae. he understands that no one stepped into the house while brian was on tour, but he came back to the city two or three days ago, yet everything still looks absolutely the same as he remembers from two months ago, even the fridge is empty.

jae frowns and makes a mental note to ask brian about it as he goes to the bedroom, where another thing comes to his mind. at first he just feels that something is off, that something is very wrong, but can’t understand what exactly that is, so he looks around trying to figure out where did this feeling come from and then sees that the bed is not only perfectly made, but still has a fox doll lying on one of the pillows – on the same place where he left it two months ago.

_that means brian hasn’t slept in his bed since he got back._

“the shower felt so good, thank you for making me do it,” he hears behind his back and turns around to see brian standing in the doorway.

“where did you sleep last night and all the nights before?” jae asks, words leaving his mouth before he can even think about it.

he didn’t mean to sound this angry, but now it’s too late to change anything, so he just sits on the edge of the bed awkwardly, waiting for a reply. brian’s expression darkens at the question, he frowns and doesn’t move from where he stands. he is clearly uncomfortable and jae hates himself for asking it now of all times, but this had to be done because if brian doesn’t care about his health, then jae will.

“living room,” he says, eventually, and jae sighs. “please don’t look at me like that, i know what you want to say. yes, i was too tired to even get to bed and literally passed out on the couch.”

“and i assume you haven’t eaten anywhere except the concert hall?”

when brian nods, looking guilty for some reasons, jae is suddenly aware of how scary the dark circles under his eyes look without make up covering them, how difficult it is for him to remain standing and awake and he feels his eyes starting to water.

“what are you doing to yourself,” he whispers, not really expecting a reply this time.

brian still stands there, not moving closer as if jae was mad at him, as if jae could ever be mad at him. jae gets up and quickly runs to him, hugging him tight.

“jae, i’m sorry, i just wanted my fans to have the best experience at the show,” brian says and places a tender kiss on jae’s temple.

“by starving yourself? you know, i don’t think they’d believe that you fainting on stage was part of the show too,” jae is mad now and he doesn’t even notice how his voice goes higher and higher, but then he looks up and sees brian’s hurt expression and immediately softens at that. “sorry.”

“don’t be, you’re right, after all. i just never know where to stop.”

“i didn’t want so start yelling, i just got angry because you clearly don’t care about yourself and don’t let anyone else do that for you. it hurts to see what you’re doing to yourself. your fans need you to be healthy, strong and smiling – not because you have to, but because it just comes out naturally. so do i,” he ends up whispering because brian’s hands are so warm on his waist and his lips are still on top of jae’s head.

“i know, jae baby,” brian says with a small smile and jae’s ears turn pink at the pet name. “that is something we need to talk about, but can we do it tomorrow please? i think i can stay awake for five more minutes and then, well-”

he doesn’t finish because of the yawn and jae bites his lower lip nervously. “you idiot, that could’ve waited till tomorrow,” he curses, but says nothing and just nods, making his way back to the bed. he gets under the blanket first, brian following shortly after and holding him close.

“i missed being with you like that, having you in my arms,” brian whispers and jae just kisses him before placing his head on the younger’s chest.

“let’s sleep, mr. i-want-everything-to-be-perfect,” he says because he knows that otherwise they’ll spend another few hours talking and he wants brian to have some well-deserved sleep. “i love you,” he adds quietly and gets a sleepy hum in reply.

////

when brian wakes up because of the quiet sobs filling the room, it’s still dark outside. he notices that jae is no longer in his arms, but is lying on the other side of the bed with his back facing brian. he frowns at the sight, still not fully understanding what’s going on because some parts of his brain seem to still be asleep, but then he realizes that the sound is coming from jae, that it’s _jae_ who’s crying in the room.

“jae?” he asks carefully, unsure of what to do.

he could, of course, just hug the other and give him a comforting kiss, but he doesn’t know what caused his tears. it could be nightmares, jae used to have them a lot before, they came to bother him almost every night, but with time this problem seemed to go away, even if sometimes brian still woke up late at night only to kiss jae’s forehead, hold his hand and promise him that everything was okay. but it seems to be something different, because after having another nightmare or just a bad dream jae was looking for his touch and this time he moved to the other side, which is quite far from where brian was sleeping, considering the size of the bed.

“jae, what happened?” he asks again when the only reply he gets is another whimper. “talk to me, jae.”

“i miss brian, i really miss him,” jae manages to say in between of his sobs. “what if he comes back and tells me that it’s over? i know i shouldn’t think this way, but what if he finds someone better, someone who’d be the one for him…”

“what are you talking about?” brian asks in confusion, reaching his hand out to touch jae’s bare shoulder.

“this is stupid, i know, but what else can i say when i miss him so much?”

“jae, i’m right here with you, just turn around and come back here so i can hug you.”

when jae does turn around brian notices that his eyes are closed and finally realizes that the other is just talking in his sleep. that happened quite often for him not to get scared anymore, but he still didn’t fully get used to it and it’s his first time having an actual conversation with jae while he’s asleep. most of the time he just says some random things or talks in spanish because he knew some of it before, but he never replied to brian’s questions before – well, maybe because he never asked, just waited for jae to stop talking. this time is different and he doesn’t know what to do.

“no, that’s just a dream, you’re not here, but it’s such a good dream that i don’t want to wake up,” jae pouts in his sleep, but does as told and soon brian is holding him tight again because jae is shivering.

“i promise you i’ll be here when you wake up too. go back to sleep,” he says softly and jae mumbles something that he can’t understand.

everything goes quiet for some time and brian starts to feel sleepy again, but then jae whispers something and it’s so quiet that he asks for a repeat.

“can you hold my hand?” and he sounds so small, so vulnerable, that, of course, brian finds his hand and intertwines their fingers.

jae hums and calms down soon after, brian waits a bit to make sure that this time he’s actually sleeping before allowing himself get back to dreaming about baking something sweet instead of writing new songs.

////

when jae wakes up, brian is no longer next to him and his side of the bed has already gone cold, which means he’s been up for at least an hour. his pillow still smells like the peach shampoo he used yesterday and jae spends some time just enjoying the smell and the warmth of brian’s huge bed. he remembers how kang sent him a picture of this bed when it was still undecided which one he’d buy for the house with a caption “how about this one, i think it’s good enough for your long limbs?”

thinking about it now, jae smiles at the good memory before slowly getting up and looking at the clock which tells him that it’s half past ten already. he goes to the kitchen and finds brian sitting by the table doing something with his phone. whatever he’s doing, he must be enjoying it, jae thinks as he sees a wide grin spread across the younger’s face.

brian doesn’t notice jae at first, so he takes some time to look at him, enjoying the way his blonde hair shines in the sunlight, thinking about how good he looks when he’s not absolutely exhausted or worried about something, and that thought makes his heart skip a few bits. he really wants it to stay this way forever, wants this morning to last an eternity, but he knows that it is impossible. he sighs quietly, but that gets brian to stop whatever he was doing and look at jae.

“good morning,” he says with a smile and jae smiles back before coming to sit next to him.

“you know, you should’ve slept some more or you could at least wake me up, it doesn’t feel fair,” he notices, but brian just shakes his head.

“i had a good sleep and i feel a lot better now, so i woke up with a strong desire to make us some pancakes for breakfast and you…were sleeping so peacefully that i didn’t have the heart to wake you up,” he replies and even if jae noticed how he hesitated before saying the last phrase he says nothing about that.

“so, where are the pancakes then?” he asks instead and brian laughs at that before making his way to the stove.

“i thought i was the one in love with food, but i guess you can try to beat me.”

he places a plate full of pancakes in the middle of the table and opens the fridge to get the sauce, but only then remembers that it’s as empty as the number of his free days when he’s away on tour. he chuckles sadly at the comparison and announces that there’s nothing to eat their breakfast with, but jae tells him that it’s okay and he visibly relaxes at that – he didn’t even notice he was tensed before jae’s reply.

for some time they just eat in silence, sipping on their coffee and enjoying the calm atmosphere, but then brian breaks the silence.

“what’re you up to these days?” he asks with his mouth full of food.

jae laughs before pretending to think about it.

“same old, been recording covers, thinking about new videos, i actually have to film and edit one by the end of this week, plus i also have to constantly deal with wonpil’s annoying self. he never shuts up about his beauty products, his new clothes and his not-so-secret crush on dowoon.”

 _“his what?!”_ brian asks as he nearly chokes.

“oh? i thought i told you about that. yeah, he’s been pining over dowoon for months now. he didn’t have a chance to make a move cause you were away, but, if you ask me, i doubt he’ll ever do anything so i guess i’ll have to watch him suffer until the end of my life if he doesn’t find someone else later. don’t get me wrong, i’m a supportive friend and all, but you know wonpil… if he’s got something on his mind, he talks about it all the time.”

“as if _you_ were better,” brian jokes and earns a playful smack on the shoulder from jae. “so you’re telling me wonpil is worse than you were?”

“hey, my actions were pretty direct and obvious!”

“not until i kissed you,” kang points out and, well, that’s fair, so jae shuts up and pouts. “at least you have wonpil, that’s better than nothing. he’s a good friend.”

“he is. but sometimes i wish he was different, less weird maybe.”

“sungjin absolutely adores him, he watches every video of his and enjoys them even though he can’t stand beauty bloggers. wonpil is just naturally cute and everyone loves him,” brian has a point here, so jae nods and drinks some more of his coffee before it becomes too cold.

“yeah, i wish dowoon loved him too so they could live happily ever after. how’s sungjin, by the way?”

“he’s doing great, as far as i know. the public is crazy about his upcoming album, so he’s been working non-stop these few months. he wants me to take a look at the lyrics for one of the songs, actually, so you can tag along, if you want to, i think he’ll be glad to see you.”

“you sure about that? i don’t wanna ruin all the fun for you two,” jae says, biting his lip. he respects sungjin, but is the feeling mutual?

“come on, he loves you! he keeps telling how wonderful your voice is and how much he’d like to have you sing with him one day, so don’t worry,” brian smiles and it’s jae’s favorite smile in this whole world.

“then i’d love that.”

after that they fall back into the comfortable silence and just chew the rest of pancakes and finish their coffee. jae then gets up and goes to the sink to wash the plates, but brian stops him by catching his wrist and makes jae sit on his lap instead.

“something on your mind?” jae asks raising an eyebrow.

“nothing, i just like having you here, the dishes can wait a bit,” kang says and jae just sighs as he wraps his arms around brian’s neck.

he drops a soft kiss on brian’s cheek and enjoys the way he blushes a bit and then there’s silence again, but this time jae feels that something is off. he doesn’t press, though, and simply waits for brian to say something, but he doesn’t.

“hey, bribri, we can spend almost every morning together now that you’re here. what bothers you this much?” he tries and, surprisingly, brian gives up easily.

“you won’t like the answer.”

“just tell me.”

“i have to keep things going, so this month is kinda packed with different radio and tv shows, i’ve just received my schedule this morning. my manager also suggested playing a few shows here in the city and…i think that in the next two months i’ll start working on a single for my next album. i want it to be out by july, so it gives me some time, but still.”

“so you’ll be super busy again,” jae whispers, not really believing what he hears.

brian nods and jae starts to feel that he’s not far from getting mad again, so he stands up and starts hurriedly washing the dishes. brian just watches him from the side, not knowing what to say, and decides to let jae do whatever he needs to blow off the steam. he doesn’t need another session of yelling at each other, he simply wants jae to support his decision, but he understands that it’ll take time, so he waits.

“i know that this is important for you,” jae begins eventually, when the dishes are done and nothing is left to clean in the kitchen. “it’s not like i have any right to try and stop you, but, brian… please take care of yourself or at least let me do it. as you said yesterday, you don’t know where to stop. i’m not mad at you for going after your dreams, i’m only mad at you because that is going to kill you if you don’t find a way to balance everything.”

“i promise i’ll be careful this time, but i can’t promise that i’ll have much free time, so…” brian doesn’t finish, because jae knows what he’s going to say.

“video calls, texting, yeah, i got it. we’ve already been through that, we’ll get through it this time too,” jae fakes a smile, but the problem is that he’s not sure.

brian seems to notice that, he gets up and comes closer to give him a tight hug. he keeps saying sorry until jae kisses his lips just to shut him up because he doesn’t need an apology. what he needs is brian to be happy, successful, safe and sound.

“well, text me when you have another day off, we can watch something and order pizza,” jae laughs, but it’s bittersweet.

“you know i will-” brian says, but gets interrupted by jae’s phone ringing.

“hello? matt? damn it, sorry, i forgot we were planning to meet today. no, you can’t do a collab with jamie, we were supposed to film it all together! i’ll explain everything later, just wait for me please, i’ll be there in twenty or so.”

when he looks up, biting his lower lip again, brian just looks at him with a sad smile. he doesn’t say anything about the call and just kisses him on the lips, then again and again until jae starts to feel dizzy and has to pull away.

“just don’t be a stranger and take care of yourself, i beg you, bribri,” he says before leaving brian’s house.

he knows that brian won’t listen, but it was at least worth trying.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i kinda struggled with this one because i know nothing about youtubers as i only watch jae and some of sorn videos so i'm sorry,,,,  
> another thing was that my brain decided to tell me that i won't ever have the control of english words like i have in my first language, so it took me longer than i'd like to, but it's here! hehe
> 
> hope you enjoy it and thank you to everyone who leaves comments, your support means the world xxx
> 
> also!!! can't believe we're getting a comeback that soon😭😭
> 
> and lastly, get well soon, my soulmate!

after that they don’t see each other for two weeks.

it’s not that brian disappears or anything, he simply becomes a tiniest bit more distant because of work and only sends jae a few texts per day when he has some free time between live radio shows and tv shows recordings. he does, in fact, offer to video-call jae almost every evening when he gets home, but jae never lets him do so, no matter how much he himself would want that, because he understands how little sleep his boyfriend gets and doesn’t want to steal any of these precious hours. brian disagrees, though, and every time jae says that he must be too tired and sleepy and that everything is okay the way it is, he strongly denies that.

jae could’ve believed that, sure, but the thing is – brian is really bad at lying. he’s a pro when it comes to hiding something – if he doesn’t want jae or anyone else to know about something, they won’t until he decides that the time has come for it. but lying is one of a few talents that he wasn’t born with and he can’t master it no matter how hard he tries, so jae quickly discovers the truth and only agrees that one time when brian asks him to sing a lullaby to keep all the bad thoughts away. that night he falls asleep with a smile too, but others are more difficult to get through.

at first saying that everything is fine and that it would’ve been like this because of his own work anyway is easy, because it’s true. he spends three nights editing the video of their first collaboration with both matt and jamie – they played “never have i ever” for that one and it turned out longer than any of them expected, but they still decided to keep everything because every question was funny enough to make it to the original video, not any kind of a behind the scenes one. it takes him more time than usually and more than he would like and by the time he saves the final version he knows most of the answers by heart and can quote them and, well, basically hates this video too.

it’s worth all the suffering, though, because the response for their collab is incredibly good and the number of his followers increases by hundreds. he’s not complaining even if matt calls him at two am just to scream about how thankful he is to have jae’s editing skills in his life. no “i’m paying for your dinner since you did the editing for us” or “you’re amazing, bro” from him or jamie, but it doesn’t bother him that much because he knows deep inside they both love him a lot, it’s just not common for them to show such feelings. after all, teasing each other is a lot more fun and they’re all here for fun.

but when this one is done and uploaded jae starts feeling that he can’t come up with anything that would be equally interesting for his fans and _that_ does bother him because he can’t allow himself stop uploading videos weekly unless something really big happens and not being able to see brian is not big enough, not to his fans, at least. he spends hours desperately going through all the ideas he has written down, but all of them seem boring and recording yet another cover for any of brian’s songs is not an option as well – he did two covers last week and if he continues like that then soon he’ll run out of songs to cover. plus, the channel is called “jaesix”, not a “heart eyes for youngk six”, so he has to create content that would be his, not constantly feeding fans with covers – that’s not what he gets his money for (though he knows how much his and especially brian’s fans love his covers).

in the end he settles for recording a video of how he plays league of legends (and some people in the comments do notice pretty accurately that it’s “like jae’s running out of content to give us”) and uploads a cover for ‘officially missing you’ because, well, that he does. he has a good laugh reading all the theories made up on twitter, mostly because he has nothing else to do and his fans always know how to entertain him – even if they’re just discussing the hidden truth that is yet to be revealed. he saves some “crying brian” memes to tease the younger later when they both have free time (he tries not to think that it’ll most likely not happen this year), but that doesn’t make things better.

he’s stuck in the same place and he finally admits that on one particularly dark windy morning. he wakes up early because of how cold his own feet are and gets up to bring another blanket, trying to push away the thought of wanting to have brian next to him. the bed is soft and warm, but it suddenly feels too big for him and he finds it difficult to fall asleep again. that’s the first time in two weeks when he allows himself to be weak and grabs his phone to text brian first – he knows that the singer is already awake.

jae (07:54)

_bribri,,,,_

_good morning_

fox <3 (7:58)

_morning baby_

_why are you up this early?_

jae (8:00)

_not up_

_woke up because of cold_

_hope you wear something warm today_

fox <3 (8:12)

_get back to sleep_

jae sighs when brian purposely ignores the last message and makes a mental note to make brian play “never have i ever” one day – just to find out if he ever lied to jae about taking care of his health. sure, he knows it well without games, but knowing is one thing and hearing it directly from brian is different.

jae (8:14)

_can’t_

_want you here,,,,_

_sorry i know it’s too early for this_

_i just miss you a lot and i know if i don’t say it now i won’t say it at all_

fox <3 (8:18)

_im so srry u hv to go thru this_

_jj gtg catch u later_

_try to sleep please ily_

_*voice message*_

without much thinking, jae hits play and has to bite his lip to avoid crying rivers right here and now because in that message brian is singing, singing him to sleep. it’s strange to think how brian held him in his arms just two weeks ago and how this is the first time he hears kang’s voice in what feels like ages. it’s the pain and longing that can’t be described with words, but, somehow, jae manages to fall asleep while listening to the short message that only lasts a few seconds.

next time he wakes up it’s already past his usual lunch time but despite having a really good sleep his mind is still pretty much empty when he tries to write a plan for today, a plan that was supposed to include filming a new video for jaesix. that’s when he decides – screw the plan, screw being alone, screw everything, and goes to buy a bottle of whiskey to keep him company this evening.

////

jae doesn’t know what exactly made him think that whiskey and “knockin’ on heaven’s door” would be a perfect match; it just came to his mind all of a sudden. it’s his third time watching the movie, so he’s not supposed to get all emotional again, yet by the end he finds himself sitting on the floor completely drunk and sobbing quietly. making big decisions seems so easy now, he feels like the whole world is his to change, but after a very miserable attempts to get up he sits back on the floor and reaches for his phone, still crying.

“come on,” he whispers trying to get brian to talk to him, but the younger doesn’t pick up.

he must be sleeping already, jae tells himself as he tries again and again with the same result, but his mind is so poisoned with alcohol that he can’t really think straight and still sends brian a few messages, fully understanding at that moment that he’ll regret it in the morning. yet he can’t do anything about it; it feels like he doesn’t have control of his own body.

jae (2:57)

_yknwo i htae this_

_i don’t tthink i can last any longer_

_‘s good u so into ur work_

_but i’m still here too???_

_i lov you but it’s so diffcul_

_if one day someone creates a time machine_

_tell me in the past that_

_dating a singer is like_

_so fucking difficult_

he doesn’t know why, but he still waits for a reply and when brian doesn’t react (simply because his phone is on a silent mode) he quickly grabs the bottle and finishes whatever was left there before calling wonpil. he doesn’t notice that it’s so late already until he hears wonpil’s sleepy voice over the phone, but it only makes him feel worse.

“what the hell, jae,” kim asks and then there’s a very loud yawn telling him that wonpil was sleeping peacefully just a few minutes ago.

“please help me,” is the only thing jae manages to say before his voice betrays him and he start crying again.

“oh my god, jae, what happened? are you alright?” wonpil sounds worried now and jae can hear that he gets out of bed and starts getting dressed without hesitation.

“i finished a bottle of whiskey while watching that sad movie,” jae laughs.

“and drunk-called brian too, yeah?”

“he didn’t pick up, so i sent him some awfully offensive texts and now i wanna kill myself,” he starts, but gets interrupted by a horrible sneeze that shakes his whole body. “oh. and i also bought two oranges, so maybe i won’t even have to-”

“you big idiot,” wonpil doesn’t let him finish and jae would probably feel guilty if he wasn’t so drunk right now. “big stupid baby. brian’s no better, what did he even think about? he knows that someone needs to always take care of you or else-”

“wonpillie, i love you,” jae says with a stupid smile as he gets back on the couch and turns off the tv.

“no, no,” wonpil almost yells and it makes him laugh weakly. “no confessions until you’re sober again. can you open the door for me? i’ll be there soon and i’ll do the rest for you, just let me in. jae?”

“s-sure,” jae mumbles, but he doesn’t understand what he’s agreeing to anymore.

he gets up and slowly goes to the door, opens it and then freezes because he doesn’t know or remember what he should do next. should he go to bed or is it time to get up already? what day is it, where is brian and why is his body suddenly so weak? another sneeze reminds him about all the evening’s events and he begins to feel even more like shit as alcohol makes its way to his brain. he stands still, blinking every few seconds, and the floor looks so attractive that he almost decides to lie down, but then wonpil finally gets to his apartment, face pale and breathing heavily.

“i hate you,” he starts, but immediately comes to hold jae when the older starts to feel awfully dizzy.

“am i dying?” jae asks, holding onto wonpil’s hand for his dear life, and he looks so broken and innocent that wonpil can’t even hit him. later, he thinks.

“no, you dumbass, i came here to save you at three fucking am, so shut up and let me help you,” wonpil doesn’t sound angry even though he does his best to do so.

“okay,” jae hums and closes his eyes, letting kim take care of him.

it’s one of those rare moments when jae is completely helpless and doesn’t even deny it, when he fully relies on his best friend knowing that wonpil won’t let him get into trouble or get hurt in any way. he doesn’t argue when wonpil tells him to hide among the blankets even if he doesn’t feel sleepy just yet, he doesn’t say anything when kim brings his allergy medicine and simply swallows two bitter pills as if he was a kid listening to whatever his mom has to say.

“now sleep,” wonpil says and it sounds like an order.

“can you stay with me for some time? being alone is… scary.”

wonpil’s face softens when he hears these words and he sits on the edge of jae’s bed.

“don’t worry, i’m here.”

////

next thing jae knows is a very painful headache that makes him feel like he’s dying, but this time for sure. he groans and tries to get up, but his body betrays him and he has to get back to bed. wonpil rushes into the room with a cup filled with some liquid and gestures jae to stay in bed. as if he had any other choice.

“you killed a whole bottle of whiskey alone and ate freaking oranges to trigger your allergies,” he says as he hands jae the cup – it’s clean water. “drink that, then i’ll bring you another one and your pills too.”

“thank you,” jae does as told and feels a bit better, but then remembers something and his face darkens with worry. “what embarrassing things did i achieve this time?”

“umm, let me think. you said you loved me, asked me to stay with you until you fell asleep… oh, and you tried to call brian.”

“please tell me he didn’t pick up,” jae pleads, but wonpil just smirks.

“he did not, but you didn’t give up either, so you sent him some texts… haven’t seen them, though, but you sounded very pitiful when you told me about it.”

jae blushes red and buries his face deeper in the pillow in hopes to escape facing the truth. he doesn’t want to hear any more, but wonpil doesn’t seem to be merciful and goes on.

“i had to call him to explain the situation – told him you were safe and sound, but absolutely wasted and sneezing every five minutes. said that, hopefully, you didn’t mean those things you sent him, asked him to take care of your drunken ass next time. he didn’t have much time to talk, but he was clearly upset because of all that.”

“how wonderful,” jae sighs. well, now he does feel guilty.

“i agree that it was very stupid of you, but don’t blame yourself – you needed to get it off your chest. i don’t think brian is mad at you for opening up about your feelings, this isn’t a one-sided relationship after all. but what made you act like this? was it just missing brian or something more?”

“there’s just so much going on and at the same time i feel like i’m not moving anywhere. like in that song, you know? i need a new video for next week, but most of the ideas i had seem boring now and i can’t come up with anything new.”

“maybe you should have someone else look at them?” wonpil suggests like a good friend he is, but jae shakes his head.

“nah, i may come back to them later and now i need something else, but all i can think about is how much i miss brian and how unfair it is – not being able to see him when we are just a few kilometers apart. i know i should be supporting him and i swear i wish him nothing but the best, but at the same time i’m worried and want him to rest for a bit, slow down just for some time. he’s destroying himself and i can’t help him, it drives me mad and doesn’t let me focus on my own work. i don’t know what to do, honestly, i feel so lost now.”

wonpil quickly goes to the kitchen and gets back with two cups now. he carefully puts one on the table and asks jae take the other while he gets himself busy looking for jae’s pills. when he finds them, he sits down and sips on his tea with a frown on his face. jae doesn’t know what it means, but he can be sure about one thing: if wonpil is thinking, that can’t be good.

“well, my offer to make a collab still stands,” he says quietly.

“i appreciate that, pillie, but that’s a no. we both know we’re too different to make a great video together.”

“but it doesn’t have to be about our content! we can just go for a walk and film it or, i don’t know, draw something together or ask your fans about the content they want-”

and there it is – the solution for jae’s biggest problem as for today, brought by kim wonpil who doesn’t even understand what makes his friend smile so wide when he’s dying from both headache and allergies. yet it really is here, something that jae couldn’t even think about, something that almost makes him jump because of the excitement. he quickly finds his phone and unlocks it, sees five missed calls from brian, but still manages to keep the smile as he opens the blue bird app. his favorite one, probably.

@jaesix 12:03

what kind of videos are you into these days? #notrelatedtojaesix

seeing that wonpil is still pretty much confused, jae gives him the phone where dozens of ideas are being suggested right now, and soon wonpil opens his mouth in realization.

“sorry, but our collab will have to wait now that i have some nice ideas – well, they mostly want me to go risk my life somewhere, but still,” jae laughs because he feels so free now and even the headache doesn’t bother him that much anymore.

it’s not like all of his problems were solved once and for all by a kind fairy, but getting rid of one of them is already a big step towards having better days in the future, not drinking alcohol and crying over sad movies. wonpil understands that, too, because he doesn’t start making fun of him but gives him a tired a smile instead and that’s when jae sees how sleepy he is and his heart aches because of that.

“go get some sleep, i can survive on my own now. i’ll try not to get so drunk again and i promise to stay away from oranges – these are really tough for me to handle. thank you for… well, for everything, actually. you’re the best friend anyone could ask for.”

“glad to see you’re finally acknowledging that,” wonpil jokes as he gets up and moves to the door. “you owe me a collab.”

with that, he disappears quickly and jae is not sure if he said it seriously or not. he doesn’t really understand why he keeps avoiding having a collaboration with his best friend, the only thing he knows is that he’s not ready for that yet. it’s not like he should worry about it now anyway.

the rest of the day goes by almost unnoticed, but the evening brings him another intriguing event. he’s just finished showering – something that had to be done yesterday too, when his phone starts buzzing and brian’s picture appears on the screen. jae stares at it for some time, afraid of answering the call and having to actually talk to brian after all the messages he sent last night.

“hi,” he almost whispers, eventually, because brian won’t stop calling and he can’t hide forever.

“hello, jae,” his voice is deep and soft and everything jae misses so much. “i have a free evening tonight, would you like to have something to eat? my treat, of course.”

jae stays quiet for a few moments, because did brian just rearrange his schedule to take him out on a date? nah, he must be imagining things.

“sure!” he then agrees without thinking. “and, bri-”

“great! then i’ll pick you up in an hour or so,” brian doesn’t let him finish and he understands it’s something the singer wants to discuss personally. “love you.”

when the call is over, jae is left speechless and just blinks before finally realizing what just happened. _is everything really getting better?.._

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update! :(
> 
> ahh it's been six months since i started writing here and it still feels so surreal?? back then i couldn't even think that i can write not only in my first language, but in english too, and create more stories to share them with the world. it wouldn't be possible without my soulmate's constant support and love and i can't even begin to express what it means to me💙
> 
> thank you for leaving comments🙏🏻

jae sighs for the tenth time this evening as he looks at the screen again. it’s been two hours but there’s still no sight of brian, no call or at least a message. it’s okay, he keeps telling himself, but it doesn’t work and with each second spent in silence he begins to feel more and more worried. brian isn’t the one to break the promise if he made it and jae knows he will call him eventually, maybe he just got his hopes too high, but it’s already approaching 8 and, well, jae is still pretty much alone in his apartment.

a knock on the door gets him out of his thoughts and makes him run towards it excitedly. he opens the door, expecting to see brian with a tired smile on his face and two pizza boxes in his hands, but instead brian stands there dressed like a prince – perfect black suit, white shirt and a very sexy necktie to finish the look. for a few moments jae forgets how to breathe; he just opens and closes his mouth until brian chuckles and invites himself in. jae still stands there, blinking stupidly, not being able to recover from such betrayal.

“you’re late,” he whines when the ability to speak comes back again. “what took you this long?”

“i’m really sorry, i had some things that needed to be done immediately, but i came as quickly as i could,” brian says with a smile and this smile radiates so much warmth that jae wants it to replace the sun – he’s allergic to its rays anyway.

“are we…going somewhere?” jae asks weakly when he dares to look at brian again.

“ah, no, i just wanted to make an impression,” the younger shrugs his shoulders and laughs at jae’s confusion. “of course we are, i asked you out, didn’t i?”

“oh…right…”

jae looks down and tugs at the hem of his worn out oversized black hoodie that he decided to wear if brian would want to actually go outside for a walk, still confused. it’s been months since they went out to eat, mostly because of not wanting to be recognized and caught in public, so he doesn’t know what to do now. a few seconds pass in silence and jae can feel his cheeks starting to blush slightly because of how stupid he acts, but then brian takes everything in his hands – literally. he puts one hand on jae’s waist and uses the other one to unzip his hoodie and take it off, then kisses jae’s forehead and smiles again.

“it’d be really nice if you could wear something formal too,” he says and jae’s brain finally starts working again. “i’m not asking for a suit, i know you don’t have any, but i’d love to see you in that white shirt with black jeans. it’s a special date, after all.”

“mr. kang, i feel like you want me dead by midnight. we haven’t seen each other for two weeks and you dare to show up wearing that suit and tell me we’re going on a special date. what’s next?” jae asks because he’s genuinely curious.

“it’s a surprise,” brian smirks and jae’s heart starts beating faster. he hates surprises, but surprises from brian are a whole different thing. “you’ll see it soon. now go get dressed.”

“bossy,” jae complains, but turns to the direction of his bedroom anyway. “i’ll be back in a minute, but feel free to do anything here while i’m away.”

jae keeps his promise and gets back to the living room in no time. brian whistles when he sees his boyfriend and in a second he already has both hands placed on jae’s waist again, lips on his neck while jae’s fingers get lost in his perfectly-styled hair.

“of all white shirts in the world you wanted to wear the one that turns me on this much, huh?”

“what can i say, i love watching you suffer,” jae laughs when brian pouts and leans closer to give him a quick kiss.

“we should get going before i decide that staying here is a better idea,” the singer jokes as he opens the door.

////

“where’s dowoon?” jae asks when they’re in the car, brian driving.

“he has a day off with his cats, i figured you wouldn’t enjoy his company on our day,” is the reply and jae just hums quietly, agreeing with that.

he has no idea where they’re going, but he trusts brian, so he simply enjoys the ride and the view. seeing brian in a black suit isn’t something that happens every day and he is determined to keep every second of this evening written in the corner of his memory. sometimes brian turns to look at him too and smiles, but most of the time he has his eyes on the road, so jae gets to secretly admire his boyfriend being all serious while driving. suddenly one thought comes to his mind and he bites his lip before asking.

“what if someone recognizes us?”

“are you afraid?” brian doesn’t even frown as if the question didn’t bother him at all.

“no, not really. my family and friends are very supportive and it’s the only thing that matters to me. but what if it ruins your career? is it even okay for us to go out like this?”

“if you’re okay with that, then i don’t care. when the time comes, i will gladly admit that i’m dating the best man in the universe, because it’s as important to me as my career. now, if you don’t mind, can we just enjoy this evening without thinking about the consequences?”

“uhh, i want to kiss you so bad right now,” jae says and brian laughs before asking him to wait a little bit more.

soon he parks the car near a fancy restaurant and jae raises an eyebrow in confusion. brian doesn’t say anything and gets out of the car first only to open the door for him and hold his hand right after. jae just sighs as he lets the younger lead him inside a huge hall with many tables and… absolutely no one else except for them. okay, now this is totally weird, jae thinks, but brian doesn’t seem to be bothered and leads the way to one of the tables. he lights up the candles and gestures jae to take a sit, but he’s too busy looking around and being shocked.

“what is this place, brian?” he asks because he has too many thoughts and he’s not sure he can guess it right without brian’s help.

“a restaurant? i told you it was a special date, that is why i was sure no one would see us here. it’s just us tonight, so, please, relax and sit down.”

“how much did you spend on this?” jae does sit down, but the amount of questions he has can’t be dealt with so easily.

“it’s sungjin’s family restaurant, i simply asked them to close an hour earlier than usually and get our food ready, so it didn’t cost me an arm and a leg, don’t worry,” brian takes off his jacket and hangs it on the chair before disappearing somewhere.

jae gets some time to listen to music that is playing in the hall (they are his favorite songs, he notices) and think about everything while brian is away. it’s difficult to believe that brian didn’t invite him for a dinner, but got a whole restaurant just for them to enjoy. he doesn’t know how much time it took him to get everything ready and he understands brian won’t ever tell him the real amount of money he spent on it, but what he knows is that if brian wanted to make an impression, well… he definitely succeeded in that. said man comes back with two plates full of food and a bottle of white wine that he carefully places on the table.

“thank you,” jae says quietly when brian takes a sit and opens the bottle. “i’m sorry, my reaction was terrible, i’m just- i’m really shocked and surprised, but i do appreciate all the things you did to have a peaceful and private evening.”

“i don’t mind what you said, i saw your true reaction in your eyes anyway,” brian gives him a soft smile and jae can’t help but smile back. “i thought we both deserved to get some rest and spend some time enjoying ourselves.”

“and you even got me lobster!” jae almost yells when he finally looks down and sees the food. “bribri, you’re the best.”

“is it because of lobster?” kang fakes a serious tone, but he’s smiling.

“no, lobster is just one of many things that make you the best,” jae replies with a playful smile on his face.

suddenly, brian’s own song ‘you were beautiful’ starts playing and the tips of his ears turn red immediately. he gets himself busy with food and says he’s going to kill sungjin when he sees him again. jae can’t stop laughing at that and almost spills the wine all over his clothes, but brian quickly catches his wrist before it’s too late. now it’s jae’s turn to blush and put the glass away – he doesn’t like the idea of having to take off his shirt, he didn’t even bring his jacket. they eat in silence, ‘you were beautiful’ still playing in the background, until jae gets brave enough to mention what happened last night.

“brian?” he starts carefully and waits for the younger to look at him. “can we talk about yesterday?”

“yeah, there’s actually a lot to discuss.”

“there is…” jae nods and takes a deep breath. “first of all, i’m sorry. i didn’t really mean what i wrote in those messages-”

“sure you did,” brian cuts him off and jae visibly tenses. “i’m the one who needs to apologize here.”

“that’s fair,” jae smiles sadly. “maybe it’s time for both of us to share everything that is on our minds, that bothers us? otherwise we’ll probably end up either arguing over something stupid or kissing, but it wouldn’t solve our problems.”

“maybe i’m dating a genius,” kang looks deadly serious when he says it. he leans back in the chair and places both hands on the table. “kissing can solve some problems, actually, but you’re right, this one is different.”

“i’m sorry for worrying you yesterday. i got stuck while trying to film something for my channel, you know that it’s probably the most annoying feeling if we talk about art, and it really pissed me off, i felt like shit and it only made things worse. when you were on tour, i found peace at filming videos because it kept me busy, but this time… and yesterday i lost it, felt like i couldn’t do this anymore, i started crying, but didn’t want to be a burden for anyone, so i got impossibly drunk instead and, well, you know the rest of the story. but what i’m trying to say is that i care about you and that i didn’t mean it as if you fully belonged to me. it was pretty childish of me, but i couldn’t control myself. i don’t regret dating you, because the wait is worth it, because every moment with you is worth it, but, yeah, i wish we could see each other more often than we do now. i fully understand that you have your own problems to worry about, but i promise to stay by your side through everything. i love you and i can’t imagine my life without waiting for you now. to me this love is like a rose – there’s no beauty without experiencing pain.”

“like a rose…” brian repeats and jae recognizes this smile. he only smiles like that when he finds inspiration for his new songs.

“future lyrics?” he giggles and brian nods, but then shakes his head.

“maybe. i don’t know yet.”

jae knows that there’s something behind this “yet”, but he doesn’t get a chance to ask, because brian starts talking. he’s very nervous and jae can see how his hands are shaking slightly. he doesn’t even notice how his own hands find their way to brian’s ones, but now they’re holding hands and jae can’t say that he doesn’t like it. brian looks surprised, too, but then he smiles and gently squeezes jae’s hands.

“i know you’ve already heard this story, but please listen till the end. it’s very important to me, i need to say it. becoming a singer was always my secret dream. i’ve always wanted to be on that big stage and sing songs that i created myself to the people who’d love me and my music. i wanted it, but i didn’t think i was capable of achieving that, so at first i thought about going to university and living like all people do – living a normal life. but then i got a chance to perform on a festival and i realized that i don’t want to be anywhere else. it felt like a whole different world, especially when i got signed after sungjin’s recommendation. i finally got the chance to create stories and share them through my music, i felt like it was the only thing i wanted to do in this life. then i met you and that’s when i saw that there’s another place where i want to stay and it’s your arms. balancing being on stage and in your arms is tough, but i won’t ever be able to choose just one thing. you’ve been supporting me and my dream ever since we met, but lately i’ve been acting like i only care about my career and i’m really sorry for making you suffer because of that. when it happens, i can’t stop myself, i just dive into all the work until i’m absolutely exhausted and barely breathing. it wasn’t bad when i was single because i didn’t even notice it. my parents live in canada, so they could never yell at me for not taking care of myself, and they’re always busy with their work too, so i was all alone most of the time. and it was worth it because in return i got my fans’ smiles, so i worked harder and harder to repay their love, to bring more good music. now i have you, someone who loves the imperfect me, who cares and worries about me, but sometimes i forget how much it hurts you. when i saw all those messages, i realized it once again and i wanted to make up for it, but you didn’t answer any of my calls, so i assumed the worst and was ready to cancel the show and run to you. i didn’t know if you could even forgive me for being like this, i was afraid that this time i lost you and it’d be entirely my fault, but then wonpil called and explained what happened. it was such a relief, but that doesn’t make me less guilty. i don’t know what i can do to lessen the pain you have to go through because of me.”

“oh, brian…” jae whispers.

“please don’t cry, your tears break my heart.”

“then don’t say things like that, you mr. lyricist!” jae can’t stop crying and brian moves his chair to be able to hug him. “you know i don’t need anything you can’t give me, i simply want you to be healthy and want to see you at least once a week. that’d be more than enough for me to be thankful, but you’re so stubborn…”

“i promise i will do my best to change it. my last radio show is in two days and then i’m starting to work on my next single, so i should have more free time and i’ll make sure that kissing your beautiful lips every day is my priority.”

the corners of jae’s lips go up slightly, but the remaining tears are still streaming down his cheeks and brian kisses them away before standing up. jae looks at him in confusion, but then notices that his favorite song is currently playing in the hall, and understands what kang is up to.

“would you like to dance?” he asks, fixing his necktie nervously.

“bri, you know i can’t dance,” jae smiles and shakes his head, but takes brian’s hand anyway and follows him to the middle of the hall.

“no one can see you except for me and, as you said, i know you can’t dance, so don’t worry,” the blonde jokes and places both hands on jae’s waist for the third time this evening.

“oh shut up,” jae says and leans closer, kissing his lips.

at first they just kiss instead of dancing and it lasts until brian licks into jae’s mouth and hears a loud whine as jae lets his tongue in. it’s been… a while, but having sex in sungjin’s family restaurant is probably not the best idea, so jae pulls away, but not without biting brian’s lower lip for laughing at his dancing skills. getting back to dancing or, well, actually starting to dance is a bit difficult because one of brian’s hands is still on his hip and the other is placed on the warm skin of his back under his white shirt.

“we shouldn’t,” jae whispers but still gives the younger another quick kiss. “you don’t want sungjin to kill you instead, do you?”

“it’s the shirt,” brian whispers back when they finally start moving around the hall.

“look who’s talking! do you even understand how many girls would faint if they saw you in that suit?”

“then i’m happy you’re not a girl.”

“would you date me if i was a girl?” jae asks suddenly and brian doesn’t even expect it.

“uhh… if you weren’t that tall. i’m sure you’d make a pretty girl, so why not?”

“so you’re dating me because of my face?” jae frowns, but brian can hear his playful tone and goes on.

“just imagine yourself with long purple hair,” he ignores the question and holds jae tighter.

“and if i wanted to keep my hair short?”

“that’s okay too. we could get married and have two kids in the future when i’m too old for singing and jumping on stage.”

“so you want kids from a granny? you do understand that you’re never too old for singing, right?”

“i was just joking, silly,” brian says with a smile.

“you know we can still do it even when i’m a man?”

jae’s voice is quiet, but it still sounds like drums to brian. they stand in silence, not noticing that the song has already finished, still holding each other and smiling shyly.

“i love you,” brian whispers, looking at jae fondly and making him blush.

“but no kids please. also, i think their playlist is over, maybe it’s a sign for us to get going. what?”

“don’t be like that.”

“come on, bribri, i love you too. i love you so much that it can’t be expressed with words.”

“try a different way then,” brian suggests and jae does just that.

////

“thank you for tonight,” jae says when brian parks the car next to the building he lives in. “i think i’ll never forget it, it was very important for me.”

“thank you for being the brightest star on my path, guiding me towards what i call happiness,” is the reply and jae kisses the younger to avoid bursting into tears again.

“i know you have a schedule tomorrow…”

“yeah?”

“maybe i can stay with you for the night?”

“i’m sorry, jae,” brian whispers sadly and kisses his nose. “my manager will come to pick me up quite early, so i don’t think it’s a good idea. he knows about you, sure, but i don’t want you to wake up because of it. and i don’t want him to see you sleeping, that’s too adorable to share with anyone else.”

“okay,” jae gives up easily even though he can sense that there’s another reason for not letting him stay. brian is good at hiding things, he reminds himself, it’s no use asking him to share it until he wants to do it himself.

“i’ll see you soon, i promise.”

“good night, bribri,” jae kisses him slowly, not really wanting to leave. the reality feels cold and inhospitable and he wants to stay in this car forever if it means being next to brian.

“good night, baby.”


	5. Chapter 5

“jae, we both know that this is the right choice,” brian sighs when jae shakes his head in disbelief. “it was the hardest decision i’ve had to make in this life, but i’m sure with time you’ll understand that it’s the best one in our situation.”

“you… you said you loved me just this morning. what happened now, brian, what happened to you, to us?”

jae feels that he can’t remain seated anymore so he stands up and starts moving around the room, brian watching him from the couch.

“you were so busy, couldn’t find time to come see me, but now you’re coming here to announce our breakup personally? how nice of you!”

“jae, calm down, i beg you. i don’t want us to become enemies in the future. my album is coming out next month so i will be busy promoting it and then i’m going on tour again and this time it’s a world tour, it has stops in europe, australia and asia, so i won’t be home for almost a year. i know that you’re thinking right now you’ll be able to go through it and that you don’t mind waiting for me to come back, but let’s face the truth, the awful truth. for you it’ll be a year of sleepless nights, broken hopes and endless tears. i don’t want you to suffer again because of me, i don’t deserve such sacrifice.”

“how come you’re such an idiot?” jae asks when tears begin forming in his eyes. “what part of ‘i love you, brian’ you can’t understand? do you really believe that i won’t last this time?”

“this isn’t just about you waiting, it’s about your future. i care about you and want you to enjoy your life to the fullest, but i only bring you pain, so it’d be better for us to end things now before it’s too late.”

“brian, no!” jae yells when the singer gets up and makes a move to leave.

“i’m sorry, i’m so sorry that i won’t be able to bring you happiness. i… i love you and i know it’s selfish of me to make such decisions alone, but soon you’ll see that i was right.”

“if you love me, then stay, don’t run away!” he manages to catch brian’s wrist but the younger frees his hand and just smiles sadly.

“i love you so much that i chose to kill the most precious thing i’ve ever had. goodbye, jae.”

he looks at jae for the last time before leaving the apartment and closing the door behind him. jae stands there for hours, crying and calling out his name, asking him to come back, but brian can’t hear it – though he is crying too.

jae wakes up because of his own scream in cold sweat, tears on his cheeks. he’s shivering and breathing heavily, the vision still bright in front of his eyes. he grabs the phone and unlocks it quickly, looking for brian’s number without hesitation. the clock tells him it’s only five in the morning and no sane person would be awake at such time on sunday, but he needs to talk to brian, needs to hear him right now before his mind decides to play yet another trick on him. this isn’t the first nightmare he’s had about losing brian, but this one felt too real, too painful.

brian picks up almost immediately.

“hey jaejae, what’s up?” his voice is still heavy with sleep, but jae relaxes upon hearing the familiar greeting.

“can you please talk to me for a few minutes?” he asks desperately, leaving brian in confusion.

he’s not crying anymore, but his breathing is yet to return to being normal. he gets under the blanket again and positions himself between the pillows – that way he feels safe.

“it’s 5 am,” brian sounds worried now and jae can’t stop biting his lips. “did someone hurt you?”

“no… it was just a bad dream. i’m sorry for waking you up, but i really needed to hear your voice and make sure that everything’s okay.”

“do you want me to come over?”

“it’s fine, bribri, you have a schedule today, get back to sleep. i’ll try to sleep too. i love you,” he whispers and freezes for a moment, waiting for brian to say it back.

“i love you too, baby jae. i’ll call you in the evening before the show starts, okay?”

jae smiles when he hears it: now he has a promise and nightmares won’t be able to take it away from him.

////

the sun is already up when he opens his eyes again, but the bed feels so warm and welcoming that he can’t make himself get up, not even the grumbling of his stomach can make him do it. he spends an hour enjoying the warmth and chatting with wonpil who seems to be especially interested in jae’s nightmare.

beauty princess (11:26)

_so, what exactly happened in that dream?_

jae (11:28)

_ugh pil it’s not like i wanna talk about it_

beauty princess (11:29)

_please it’s for science_

jae (11:32)

_he told me he’d be really busy this year because of the tour and that he wanted me to be happy, not crying and constantly missing him_

_but lmao i was already crying there_

_and i said if he loved me he’d stay_

_but he just shook his head and said that with time i’d understand how great this decision was or smth like that_

_idc it was just a nightmare_

_i’m seeing him tomorrow ^^ maybe he’ll finally let me stay for the night_

_i don’t know maybe that triggered the nightmare_  
_like_

_he’s hiding something_

_i’m not a fool, i can see that, but it’s ok_

_i’m sure he’s not hiding a girlfriend and until then i’m fine_

beauty princess (11:40)

_you know what_

_i think you should go out more often_

_fresh air and everything_

_that could keep you distracted_

jae (11:42)

_lol_

_i’m allergic to the world??_

_and it’s spring!!!_

beauty princess (11:43)

_yo my bad_

jae (11:45)

_but you’re right actually_

_maybe i’ll go visit my family today_

beauty princess (11:47)

_good_

_i’m busy today so_

_got a date_

jae (11:47)

_what_

beauty princess (11:48)

_NOT DOWOON_

jae closes the chat (not before calling wonpil a snake) and heads to the bathroom – cold shower is something he truly needs right now. he puts on a coldplay playlist and gets in the shower, letting the water wash all the worries and fears away. he’s not really a fan of cold water; usually he only takes cold showers with brian (mostly because they simply run out of hot water while showering together), but on special occasions like this cold water becomes his best friend and makes him feel alive again.

next on the list is breakfast that is as simple as making wonpil cry is – bread and omelet – nothing fancy, especially if you think about the restaurant they visited with brian just a few days ago, but it’s enough for him not to feel hungry. when it’s finished and the dishes are done jae is suddenly aware of how much he misses his parents. it’s been almost two months since he went to see them and today seems like a perfect opportunity to make up for not being home for such a long time.

“hello, jae!” his mom sounds excited even over the phone. he smiles thinking about her happy face – he’s not the one to call often, he prefers texting.

“hey mom! i thought about coming home today, maybe for dinner, is that okay?”

“why would you even ask, sweetheart! we’re always happy to see you back home, but i’m afraid your dad won’t be joining us today – he’s a bit busy at work. i’ll cook something nice for you, though, so we can have a good evening anyway!”

“okay, then i’ll try to come by six.”

“will brian come too?” she asks and jae’s face darkens a bit.

“no, he’s like dad… busy at work. actually, i wanted to talk about it with you,” he says, playing with a clean fork that somehow ended up on the table again.

“i hope he treats you well!”

“he does, mom,” jae can’t help but smile again – to his parents he’ll forever remain a baby that needs to be protected, but for brian it’s no different. “i’ll see you soon! love you.”

he hangs up and glances at the clock – he has two hours to kill before going to catch the bus and the idea of having a live chat on twitter suddenly crosses his mind. he brings his laptop and places it on the table, gets another cup of coffee and sends out a tweet announcing he’ll be answering some questions in ten minutes. sunday is a lazy day for most people, so he thinks of it as a good chance to get closer to his fans, even though they’re currently yelling at him in the mentions and telling him that they’re not ready. he chuckles at that – they’re so lovely and honest, and puts his music on shuffle before taking a look at the questions that are being sent right now; he’s determined to answer as many as he can – no matter how personal they might get, he likes teasing these guys.

@jaesix 1:17 pm.

okay guys ask me anything using #LazyJaeDay

and they do – hundreds of questions appear under the hashtag in the first few minutes and he finds it really amazing, how far he’s come in these four years.

@jaesix 1:18 pm.

 _“another jae x jamie pls!”_ collab with jamie? you gotta ask this girl, not me

@jaesix 1:20 pm.

 _“favorite youngk song? love you!!!”_ that’s hard

@jaesix 1:23 pm.

 _“love from germany”_ thank you

@jaesix 1:32 pm.

 _“pink sweater for life”_ k where is my poison then

@jaesix 1:33 pm.

 _“do you love youngk?”_ yes i do

@jaesix 1:35 pm.

 _“jae do you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend?”_ i have a wonpilfriend

@jaesix 1:38 pm.

 _“youngk or sungjin?”_ of course sungjin

@jaesix 1:44 pm.

 _“would you rather kiss someone you love or fuck with someone hot”_ mm i’d take both?

@jaesix 1:46 pm.

 _“pizza or wonpil”_ what’s with these “or” questions guys ask something funny

@jaesix 1:49 pm.

 _“how much alcohol do you need to get drunk”_ i need a sad movie

@jaesix 1:55 pm.

 _“jae say something deep love you”_ youngk’s morning voice

@jaesix 1:57 pm.

 _“what toothpaste do you have?”_ it’s mint

@jaesix 2:00 pm.

 _“shall we make a petition for youngk to personally invite you to his concert?”_ that’d be great, i’d love to finally meet my favorite singer ;( u guys are so lucky

and, well, technically this is not even a lie because brian’s fans see him a lot more often than he does. he doesn’t mind, though, because his fans are charming and he gets his kisses anyway. it’s actually great to have not only his own subscribers asking the questions, but brian’s and jamie’s fans as well. he feels how his mood is gradually getting better and thinks that this sunday is not as bad as he expected it to be after that nightmare, it’s going great so far, if he’s completely honest.

@jaesix 2:12 pm.

 _“if you were a vampire who’d you bite first?”_ i bet y’all expect me to say youngk but NAH it’s wonpil

@jaesix 2:14 pm.

 _“pls admit once and for all that you have a crush on brian”_ hey who said i was that gay,,,, okay maybe i do BUT DON’T WE ALL

@jaesix 2:17 pm.

 _“sungjin and youngk have concerts on the same day, which one you’d attend?”_ not fair i’d stay at home

@jaesix 2:24 pm.

 _“fuck with thor or loki”_ top or bottom

@jaesix 2:27 pm.

 _“cats or dogs?”_ allergies

@jaesix 2:29 pm.

 _“if you were a cat, what cat would you be?”_ lazy cat

@jaesix 2:34 pm.

that #LazyJaeDay was amazing, thanks for the questions everyone! i’d choose more but i gotta go, keep your questions for our next time!!

////

“ah, jae, i missed you so much!” his mom runs to hug him the second he enters their house.

“i’m sorry i was too busy to get home sooner,” he says as he gives her a kiss on the cheek.

“it’s okay, honey, at least you made it today. come on in, i made us dinner,” she smiles and jae follows her to the kitchen where the table is already set.

he misses being at home, misses being a kid without having to worry about tomorrow, but he’s thankful he can come back here anytime, something that brian doesn’t have. his parents have made it clear that brian can come see them whenever he feels like it as if he was their own son and he knows kang is grateful and happy to have these people in his life (it’s hard to say who loves who more – brian or his parents), but at the end of the day he’s the only member of the kang family in los angeles while his parents are in toronto.

“how have you been?” he asks when his mom takes a sit.

“it’s not like anything big happened, but your dad got some additional money and we’re planning to buy a new car. he has a lot of work so he always comes home late and tired, but we do our best to remain a loving family – yesterday we went to the cinema and he bought me two ice-creams. i haven’t felt this young for quite a while!”

“that’s wonderful! i’m so glad you were never like our neighbors – constantly fighting and everything. i think your marriage is a great example of what a family should be like.”

“well, honey, it takes more than love to build a long-lasting family,” she smiles and sips on her apple juice. “is there enough salt?”

“it’s perfect, mom,” jae replies with his mouth full of food. ah, homemade food.

“you wanted to talk about brian… is everything alright between you two?” her voice is laced with concern and jae hurriedly swallows the food, nearly choking. “jae!”

“we’re fine, but something bothers me and i don’t know what to do…”

“what is it?”

“he came back to work two days after finishing the tour. it’s been three weeks and we only saw each other twice – after the concert and a few days ago. i miss him a lot, but i understand everything and i can wait for as long as it takes, but… he doesn’t notice that he’s overworking himself. fifteen shows in two months, a day off and then different schedules every day, plus he told me he wants to start working on a single soon. he says he understands that it’s not right, but he doesn’t let me take care of him, doesn’t even let me stay for the night. and tonight i had a nightmare where we broke up because it was his choice. and i…i really want to believe that we’ll be okay, but everything is so complicated. maybe you can help me? how can i show him that it’s going to kill him if he doesn’t’ slow down? i don’t want that nightmare to become a reality, mom, i’m so scared…”

“it won’t,” she comes closer and kisses the crown of his hair. “brian is serious about you and your relationship, you can trust him on that.”

“what if he decides that i value my feelings more than his health and our relationship and leaves to let me be ‘happy’?”

“i can see the way he looks at you and i’m more than sure you’re the most precious flower he has in his life. if you start to fade, he’ll be there to keep you safe even if it costs him his own career. i assume he’s like your dad when it comes to work, so he won’t listen to you until you show him. i shouldn’t say this, but as your mother i am worried and i want my child to be happy, so here’s what we, women, sometimes do when we want to catch our men’s attention: next time he misses your call or doesn’t let you come over, act like you’re hurt and offended, maybe even jealous. it sounds ridiculous, i know, but that will make you his first priority. he’ll focus on you and he’ll understand how important it is to have you. just don’t get too playful, you don’t want your boyfriend to get depressed, huh?”

“i knew i could count on you, mom,” jae says, still amazed and impressed with his own mother.

“that’s what i did to bring your father back home! it’s getting late now, i’ll call for a taxi, alright?”

“thank you for everything,” he smiles and at that moment his phone starts buzzing. “oh, it’s brian!”

“go get your man, sweetheart,” his mom waves him goodbye as he gets in the car.

“yes ma’am!” he says and tells the driver where to go before finally answering the call.

“i thought you were mad at me or something,” brian says and jae giggles.

his voice sounds very tired and jae can picture him sitting in the small room with staff wandering around, waiting for the radio show to start. he feels bad for having such a wonderful day when his lover was so busy and barely had any time to eat. he frowns, but reminds himself it’s the last show for a while – a long while, he hopes.

“i was visiting my mom,” he replies in a soft voice and can almost see brian smiling. “we talked about you, actually.”

“what, you were complaining about your boyfriend being too busy?” brian laughs, but it’s bittersweet.

“pretty much, yeah. she taught me something, something only your mom can teach you, so now i’m thinking positive.”

“i saw that you had fun with your followers today,” brian mentions and it’s jae’s turn to laugh this time.

“yours too. i got so many questions about youngk that i almost forgot you’re brian; some of them were quite intriguing, actually!”

“i’m listening…”

“for example, would i dare to kiss you on stage if we were dating,” jae says and looks to see where they are – not much time left on the road.

“if?”

“mhm, i didn’t choose this one for that reason too, but-”

next thing brian hears is the sound of something massive crashing; someone’s screaming and calling for help, he hears a loud cry that doesn’t belong to jae, he can hear sirens somewhere far, far away and then there’s silence. heavy, dark silence that makes every part of his body freeze and gets him shaking with fear.

_it can’t be-_

but the sirens-

_no, he must be sleeping-_

but the crash-

_he didn’t even get to say goodbye._

“youngk? we’re going live in five- oh god, is everything alright?” someone from the staff asks, but he doesn’t react.

that is until someone shakes his shoulder and tells him the show can’t be canceled now.

“fine,” he says, but he can’t even get up without help, his face pale and hands still shaking.  
fine, he says, but deep inside he feels dead.

_the show can’t be canceled._


	6. Chapter 6

jae wakes up because of someone’s quiet voice filling the room. his eyelids feel heavy as he tries to opens his eyes, but in the end he still manages to do it. first thing he sees is, obviously, the ceiling – it’s different, not what he’s used to seeing every morning. he frowns and makes a move to sit up, but hisses in pain and quickly gives up because every cell of his body seems to be against it.

“he’s waking up!” a familiar voice says and it gets closer to reveal a nervous kim wonpil standing next to his bed – a weird and not so comfortable bed, to say the least. “don’t try to move.”

wonpil is doing his best to smile, but jae can still see silver tears on his cheeks shining under the poor lights. he opens his mouth to ask what the hell is going on here, but wonpil is faster, he doesn’t let him speak and calls for the doctor again.

“we’re in the hospital. you were lucky to survive the crash: the others didn’t make it, but you’ll be fine – it’s a miracle, they said. still, you scared us to death.”

that’s when jae remembers it. yeah, there was definitely a crash. one moment he was talking to brian over the phone and then… then the car was hit by a truck and that’s the last thing he can think about, perhaps he lost consciousness after that. that explains how he ended up in the hospital, but he’s still pretty much confused and wonpil understands that. he wants to add something, but then someone else, jae thinks that’s the doctor wonpil’s been asking to come, enters the room and wonpil gets quiet.

“mr. park, it’s good to have you back with us, we believed it’d take a bit longer for you to wake up. we did our best to minimize the consequences of the car crash, so you’ll spend the rest of the night in your bed at home, your friend volunteered to get you there safely. however, we recommend you to forget about active physical and social life for at least two weeks, you need time to rest and recover – thankfully, nothing is broken, but you have several bruises and scratches and they’ll take a while to heal.”

“thank you,” jae tries to say, but his tongue is very reluctant to move and it makes the man frown.

“that medicine we had to use, knowing about your allergies, was very strong, so it’ll be better if you get back to sleep – your brain is not working properly right now, but you’ll feel better in the morning.”

the doctor hands wonpil a list of medicine that jae will need in the next few weeks and leaves the room after saying goodbye and wishing his patient to recover soon and never get into such accidents again. jae hums tiredly and closes his eyes again; suddenly he doesn’t want to talk and doesn’t want to see anyone, not even wonpil. the doctor is right: he notices how sleepy he is and just lets it take control of his body, leaving wonpil to do the rest.

////

it’s still quite dark when jae finally escapes the world of dreamless sleep, but he can see it through the curtains that the sun is already getting up, so he assumes that it should be about five or six in the morning. wonpil is sat on the chair next to his bed, he’s clearly trying to fight with sleep so it takes him a few seconds to see that jae is awake. when he does, his face lights up with a wide smile despite all the worry and tiredness that’s written all over his face.

“please never do that again,” is the first thing he says and he looks like he’s about to cry again.

“i wasn’t planning to die, it just… happened,” this time jae doesn’t find it that difficult to speak and he’s very happy about that. “you didn’t sleep at all tonight, did you?”

“none of us did,” wonpil replies proudly. “it was a very long night, but it’s coming to its end. i’ll just wait for brian to come here, then i’ll go home.”

“brian-”

“he’s okay now, you should worry about yourself first. how’s your head?”

“ugh, i feel like shit. how did you even know that i got into a car crash?”

jae really wants to hear the full story and he doubts that anyone else knows as much as wonpil does, so he decides to ignore the fact that his friend is practically falling asleep right now. wonpil doesn’t seem to mind the question, he even looks excited to retell jae all the events, so jae gets even more curious.

“i just got back home and turned on the tv because my favorite show was about to begin, but then i saw the news about a car crash and saw a familiar body, that was the only way to recognize it was you. i immediately contacted your mother and went to pick her up, together we were able to find the hospital where the doctors assured us that you’re a very lucky guy and that you’ll live…”

“was it because i sat in the backseat?”

“i guess so. brian called your mother as soon as his radio show was over, he was crying and he sounded so small that your mom had to spend ten minutes trying to calm him down. and then they had quite an argument,” wonpil doesn’t finish and smirks; jae’s just happy his friend is back to his bubbly self.

“brian dared to argue with my mom? that’s something i wish i could hear myself.”

“see, mama park wanted to take you home and take care of you, which is understandable, you’re still her lovely child, but brian didn’t want to give up that easily. eventually, your mom was the one who gave up when brian said he wanted to make up for everything and be by your side when you need it the most, cause otherwise he would never forgive himself. but she may pay you a visit quite soon, we were all scared to death, after all.”

when jae thinks of his mom, wonpil and brian crying at the same time and because of his same thing – him nearly getting killed, his own eyes begin to water so he blinks a few times to get rid of those forming tears. wonpil looks up at him and his smile is suddenly replaced by a frown, he shakes his head, but says nothing. jae doesn’t like it as much as he doesn’t like the fact that brian had to sit through a whole radio show thinking only about his boyfriend being dead.

“hey, why does your face darken every time you look at me?”

“if only you could see yourself now, you’d probably cry too,” wonpil sighs. “but please don’t try to get up, your ribs are not ready for that yet.”

jae blinks at that and instead slowly, carefully lifts his right hand up to his eyes. the view is very unpleasant and maybe even shocking: his once milky skin is now full of bruises and scratches; one especially long scratch on his wrist is still covered with fresh blood. he might be lucky he didn’t get seriously injured or even killed, but that’s still quite a sight and he doesn’t even want to imagine how the rest of his body looks right now – not only does he feel like shit, but looks like it too, he assumes. everything hurts and his whole body feels like it’s burning, so he places his hand back on the bed and even tries to breathe less often and more quiet.

“the doctor said you may face some problems falling asleep in the next few days because the memory of that crash is still bright and your body will remind you of what happened,” wonpil is back to being sad now and jae hates to see that. “i just hope brian will stay true to his word, but i saw him in the hospital and…he’s ready to give you the whole world if you ask for it. he wanted to come here as soon as your mom left, but i knew you would sleep anyway, so i made him call dowoon and go home to pack the necessary things. he’ll probably get here soon.”

“go home to do what?” jae is not sure he’s heard it right – you can’t blame him for it, though.

wonpil doesn’t get to answer this question as the front door opens and brian enters the apartment. his face looks paler than his hair and his eyes widen when he sees that jae is awake and talking to wonpil; he drops his backpack on the floor and runs to jae’s bed, ignoring wonpil’s soft greeting. he practically falls on his knees and gently takes jae’s hand in his big warm ones, bringing it to his lips and placing two loving kisses there – their own special sign of telling the other that everything is alright. jae can’t hold back a weak smile when brian refuses to let go of his hand and keeps kissing it until he reaches that ugly long scratch that will probably end up as an equally ugly scar on jae’s wrist. he traces it with his fingers, careful not to press on it too hard; he frowns and then kisses it too.

“i’m never letting you go, never again, you hear that?” he says, voice low and quiet, but sure, and jae doesn’t have anything to say in reply.

he wants to make a joke about it, but quickly stops himself when he sees how broken his lover looks. brian finally notices wonpil’s presence in the room and looks at him, still holding jae’s hand. wonpil smiles and tries to seem cheerful, but gets betrayed by a yawn that he can’t control; brian’s face softens at that.

“thank you,” he almost whispers, but wonpil just waves his hand as if trying to say that it’s fine. “dowoon is waiting for you outside, he’ll give you a lift home, you look like you’re going to pass out next minute.”

“i’m- uh- my car is here, i can drive, it’s just a few minutes away,” wonpil tries to argue, but brian gives him a look and he shuts up immediately. “o-okay, jae, i’ll come visit you when you feel better. take care of him, brian!”

////

“hey, i’m here!” dowoon signals him when he notices that wonpil can’t find brian’s car.

wonpil’s cheeks turn bright red and he almost trips over his own feet as he rushes towards the car. dowoon makes a surprised sound, but doesn’t say anything, and wonpil is thankful for that – the situation is already embarrassing enough.

“how’s jae?” yoon asks when wonpil gets in the car and puts the seatbelt on. “brian didn’t say much about it, he was too lost and i didn’t want to touch him.”

“with brian’s help jae will be back in action in no time,” wonpil smiles softly and dowoon’s ears get pink.

the rest of the ride is silent, mostly because wonpil is barely awake and dowoon doesn’t know how or want to initiate a conversation when there’s a huge chance wonpil will forget everything about it when he wakes up.

“you’ll get home safely, right?” he asks with a frown because wonpil somehow managed to fall asleep.

“yes, don’t worry. thanks for the beautiful eyes, i mean, the help, oh god, never mind,” with that, he runs away as red as a tomato, leaving dowoon in confusion.

////

they stay silent for some time after wonpil leaves; brian still on his knees not wanting to let go of jae’s hand.

“i’m sorry,” jae mumbles, eventually, because he can’t stand that silence.

that brings brian back to reality; he gets up from the floor and leans down to capture jae’s lips in the softest kiss ever. jae smiles into the kiss even if his upper lip hurts a bit, but then brian pulls away and his smile fades.

“don’t ever apologize for that, love,” kang says and for a moment jae thinks he’s angry, but then sees tears in his fox-like eyes and unconsciously bites his lip. that hurts. “oh. i shouldn’t have kissed you…”

“shut up,” jae pouts and brian does just that because he doesn’t expect jae to act like this. “i want you to kiss me again.”

“but your lips-” brian wants to say, but jae doesn’t let him continue.

“every inch of my body hurts, but that’s not what i need to feel present. i want you to remind me that i’m alive,” he doesn’t really understand what made him say it, but now he really is scared – what if it’s just another nightmare?

brian just nods and leans down again, softly pressing his lips to jae’s plump ones, kissing him slowly until jae starts whimpering, asking for more. brian deepens the kiss, fully aware of how much jae wants to wrap his arms around his neck, so he uses one hand to gently pin jae’s arms down to the bed and leans closer for another kiss.

“thank you,” jae whispers when they finally pull away for air. “sorry if it was weird…”

“it wasn’t,” brian cuts him off as he takes off his shirt and pulls down his sweatpants. “i’ll sleep in the living room, if you don’t mind..?”

“the doctor said i might have problems with falling asleep… i’m quite scared of having to experience that car crash again and again without you by my side,” jae doesn’t want to sound small and pathetic, but he’s just telling the truth.

“then i’ll stay. i was just afraid of hurting you if we sleep in the same bed,” the singer admits and jae smiles.

“i guess we won’t be able to cuddle for a few days, but you can settle for holding my hand and i also remember something about having my lips as your priority?..”

brian laughs quietly and gets under the covers; his feet are cold, but jae doesn’t mind, soon he gets used to it and relaxes. kang tries to keep the distance, even though their legs are tangled, but he does hold jae’s hand like the most important thing in the world.

“i was afraid that i lost you…” brian says after some time and his voice is laced with pain.

“you’re not getting rid of me that easily,” jae giggles, but sudden sharp pain in the ribs reminds him that he’s not allowed to laugh.

brian doesn’t reply, just squeezes his hand a tiniest bit tighter – yet still careful not to use too much strength. jae would probably melt right now if he felt at least a bit better.

“i mean… let’s leave it in the past and focus on bringing me back to normal life. i know it’s a miracle i survived, but i don’t want you to look at me as if i was disabled or something.”

“i’m just worried about you, silly,” brian says and it makes jae want to bite his lip again; this time he catches himself right on time.

brian gives him a quick kiss on the cheek and tells him to sleep, but jae doesn’t feel like sleeping – he spent the whole night somewhere between reality and the world of dreams. the younger doesn’t argue, even though his own eyes are already heavy with sleep, instead he starts singing – that way, he knows, jae falls asleep faster. jae recognizes brian’s own song, ‘when you love someone’, and soon he forgets about the crash, the pain and all the bruises, he closes his eyes and lets himself get lost in brian’s voice. brian doesn’t finish the song because he can’t resist any longer, but that is okay – jae sleeps for hours without dreaming.

////

if there is something that jae hates more than his allergies, it’s being vulnerable, helpless and feeling like a burden. yet that is exactly how he feels when he wakes up and sees that brian is still asleep and he can’t do anything until the younger is awake too. for a moment the thought of being his own bed’s prisoner makes him angry, but he reminds himself that it’s better than being a part of a graveyard and calms down. instead of staring at the ceiling, he carefully moves on the bed and turns his head to look at brian’s sleepy face. he looks peaceful and fully relaxed; jae can’t remember when was the last time he got to see brian still sleeping. his breathing is steady and cheeks are slightly pink because of the warm sunshine peeking through the curtains.

it would be a lie if jae said he didn’t enjoy watching brian while the singer is asleep; for some reasons it makes him happy. he really wants to move closer and place a soft kiss on his nose, but understands that it’s impossible and just sighs. a few minutes pass in silence before jae’s stomach reminds him that the last time he ate was quite a while ago. that’s a big dilemma: he doesn’t want to disturb brian, but at the same time he feels so hungry that he’d probably finish a five course meal right now.

he tries to sit up, very carefully and slowly, and that pain he can handle, he decides, and makes a move to stand up, but then something goes wrong and he lets out a loud whine which, of course, wakes brian up.

“jae!” kang manages to catch him before he falls and his face gets all pale again. jae starts to hate himself because of that.

“sorry, i thought i could-” he begins, but brian doesn’t let him finish, looking all serious.

“you shouldn’t even try to get up without help. it’s just for a few days, baby, so please don’t scare me like that.”

“sorry,” jae repeats and brian kisses his forehead.

he gets up and disappears in the bathroom – to brush his teeth, as jae guesses, and then he hears some movements in the kitchen and desperately wishes he could just walk there too, sit next to brian and have breakfast (dinner?) like normal people do. the kitchen visits him instead, though; brian brings the food and two cups of coffee, he helps jae sit up and holds the tray all the time jae eats, refusing to put it down on his thighs.

“um, jae…” brian starts when the breakfast (dinner?) is finished, jae notices that it’s hard for him to speak and hums, asking him to continue. “i’m afraid you won’t be able to use the shower today, uh… maybe tomorrow. but those scratches need to be cleaned up, if you don’t mind me doing that.”

“unless it makes you uncomfortable,” jae replies and brian takes it as a yes.

in a minute he’s back with two clean wet towels and some liquid that jae guesses is a medicine. he takes a deep breath when he sees all that and can’t make himself stop staring at brian’s face, who looks absolutely serious about this simple procedure, like a real doctor.

“so, when do you start working on the single?” he asks to avoid feeling the pain that is not even here yet.

“i’m not going there until i’m sure you’re safe,” is the reply as brian pulls the blanket down and takes one of jae’s hands to examine the scratches. 

jae doesn’t really feel anything because brian’s movements are slow, gentle, and he easily cleans up jae’s hands and shoulders, careful not to hurt him in any way. it all goes well and jae thinks he can get used to it for the next few days, but then brian’s fingers come to touch his bare chest just above his ribs where he’s most sensitive and he hisses in pain. that makes brian stop and look at him nervously, hands shaking slightly, but jae manages to smile and urge him to go on.

“it’s ok,” he lies through his teeth.

brian doesn’t buy it but he doesn’t say anything either and soon they finish everything; it makes jae sigh in relief.

“wait, you’re not even going to bring some hello kitty patches for me?” he asks innocently and brian laughs as he gets up.

“you’re such a kid, jaejae,” he complains, but by the tone of his voice jae can tell that brian very much enjoys all the teasing.

brian suggests to play “explosive kittens” and jae almost agrees to that, but then remembers about his guitar that is all alone and abandoned in the living room and asks brian to bring it. at first kang doesn’t get what jae is up to – he can’t play, he can’t even eat without help, but then jae makes himself comfortable among the blankets and pillows and announces the beginning of “youngk’s first acoustic solo concert”. the corners of brian’s lips go up and he accepts the game; wonpil was right when he said brian was ready to give jae the whole world if he asked for it.

his fingers start to hurt by the time jae gets tired of listening to music and asks for a break. brian keeps quiet for the rest of the evening and just sits next to jae’s bed reading a book until the older falls asleep; he knows that jae’s too stubborn to admit that he has a headache.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> those who know which moment inspired the last scene are legends, but for those who don't - it's been planned for a while because of jaebri singing “shape of you” together and it's my first time writing something like that in two years so i hope it's not as bad as i think  
> let me know in the comments hehe

on the third day jae wakes up alone in bed. in this short amount of time he’s already got used to waking up next to brian, so at first he feels panic rush through his veins, but then hears the sound of his hairdryer coming from the bathroom and visibly relaxes. brian doesn’t come back to bedroom; he’s really into cooking these days and makes the most of his free time, always trying to surprise jae with something tasty and to cook new things, so jae guesses he went to start making breakfast.

today he doesn’t need to hold onto brian’s hand to get up, but the younger doesn’t know about it yet so jae decides to surprise him too. he doesn’t bother looking for his own clothes, instead puts on brian’s huge red flannel that probably looks weird on him since he doesn’t have brian’s broad back or those sexy shoulders, but he doesn’t care.

when he enters the kitchen he smiles to himself: brian is busy cutting vegetables, just like he predicted, and hums a song that jae recognizes as ed sheeran’s ‘thinking out loud’. for a few moments he just stands there, enjoying the view of brian’s back muscles moving and his blonde hair looking all fluffy in the morning sunlight, waiting for him to put the knife away because he doesn’t really want his apartment to become some sort of a hospital. when brian reaches jae’s favorite line ‘kiss me under the light of a thousand stars’ jae uses this opportunity to wrap his arms around brian’s torso and press a kiss on his neck.

“someone’s feeling better?” he asks excitedly, but doesn’t turn around, still busy with food, and jae pouts, once again kissing soft skin.

“mhm,” he murmurs, lips not leaving brian’s neck. “wanted to surprise you, but i doubt it worked.”

“you’re right, i heard you the moment you came here,” brian chuckles softly. “i was curious what you were going to do, though.”

“this,” jae whispers and bites his neck gently, careful not to leave a mark, but pretending to be a vampire. “what’re you making?”

“pasta,” kang ignores the bite, but this time he does turn around to see a very “offended” pouty jae.

he smiles and pulls jae in for a hug, though it’s not exactly a “hug”, just his broad hands on jae’s waist because going for more would probably hurt his boyfriend. he finds it adorable how jae wants to have brian’s full attention on himself yet can’t admit it and shows it through such little things. he gives jae a quick kiss on the lips and pulls away to get back to the stove; once again he has to ignore jae’s whining.

“do you not love meee,” he hears behind his back and can’t help but smile.

“i’ll give you all the kisses once we have breakfast, okay? i don’t want you to starve.”

jae nods, even though brian can’t see it, and sits on the chair, fully satisfied with how the morning is going so far. thanks to brian’s care and the doctor’s advice his bruises have already started to fade a little; it’s difficult to see, but jae feels so much better by now and even their now daily procedure of treating jae’s scratches doesn’t bother him anymore. brian still doesn’t let him do anything, but at least now he can brush his teeth and sit without the previous discomfort in the ribs.

there’s a knock on the door right at the moment when brian turns off the stove and starts setting the table, so jae volunteers to open it, it’s his home, after all. there stands his mother and her face lights up instantly when she sees jae in one piece, smiling at her. he invites her to the kitchen and blushes a little when she notices brian waiting for them and gives jae an unreadable look.

“so you were right, brian,” she says when the three of them finally get to try the still steaming pasta on their plates.

jae looks at her, curiosity written all over his face, but she doesn’t say anything more and he guesses it’s something just between these two (which feels unfair), but then brian hums.

“thank you for trusting me in this,” he replies politely and jae, well, he still understands pretty much nothing. “you see, i’m serious about that thing we discussed before.”

“brian? mom? you know i’m still here, right?”

“it’s a secret, sweetie, until brian decides to reveal it. that pasta is absolutely wonderful, by the way!” his mom sounds genuine and brian gives her a wide smile, but jae frowns.

“a secret that you know about? it’s not fair, mom, you betrayed me,” he pouts for the n-th time this morning, but then adds. “and the pasta, yeah… really good.”

“so is brian’s shirt on you,” his mom comments suddenly, making them both blush, and then laughs.

when she leaves, they spend the rest of the day watching jae’s favorite tv series while cuddling under the blankets, although jae keeps pouting for hours and makes sure brian remembers how much he hates secrets, so brian attacks him with kisses until jae practically begs for mercy before he loses control.

////

stealing brian’s shirts kind of becomes his habit in the next few days, to the point when on friday the younger returns from the shower shirtless because jae refuses to give his last clean shirt back. in the end jae gives up and gives it back because he can’t handle looking at brian’s bare chest for so long; brian just smirks and kisses him in return.

sunday is all about lazy morning; jae wakes up early, but doesn’t want to get up just yet, he pulls the blanket up to the nose and hides from the morning sun, enjoying the warmth of the bed and thinking about all the nice things that happened this week. sure, it wasn’t the easiest one because of the pain he had to go through, but all this time he was not alone: wonpil came to see him almost every day (blushing furiously whenever one of them mentioned dowoon in their conversations), jamie visited him with an incredible cake she made herself just for him, his whole family made sure he was getting enough rest, but, more importantly, he had brian by his side. after almost three months spent away from each other falling asleep next to brian has become his favorite thing, a habit of sorts.

he catches himself staring at the younger, who’s currently reading a book on a windowsill of his bedroom. he looks handsome, as always, in a simple long green flannel and with his hair still both fluffy and messy from sleep; jae would even say he looks ethereal. brian is really into the book, so he doesn’t notice the fond look that jae gives him, and for some reasons jae is thankful for that. he thanks god for making him so lucky, for having the man of his dreams as his boyfriend, and suddenly asks himself if he even deserves that, all this happiness. brian loves him for who he is, but he never really understood why’d kang fall for him of all people, of all his beautiful fans or friends. it’s not that he’s ugly or stupid or anything, but it’s just…him?

he sighs and shakes his head to make these thoughts go away, then gets up quietly and hurries towards the bathroom with one idea, which is more like a wish, that has just suddenly crossed his mind. he quickly brushes his teeth to get rid of morning breath, then takes off a very old, but still cool metallica tee and remains in nothing but boxers. there’s a mirror right in front of him and jae bites his lips when he looks at the reflection: yellow and purple bruises are still visible on his right shoulder, one on his chest just above his right nipple and two more next to his ribs, three on his tummy and a few more down on the hips; there are also several scratches that are yet to be healed, that long one on his wrist still being the most annoying of them all. seeing himself like this, he’s not so sure about this idea anymore, but goes for it anyway.

“um…bribri? can you help me?” he asks in a loud voice.

“sure! will be there in a second.”

well, here it comes, jae thinks as he takes a deep breath. he knows that it’s pretty unfair to put brian into a situation like this; they’ve showered together a lot this week because jae couldn’t do it without help, so he understands that brian doesn’t expect anything more than a “help me wash my hair” or “i can’t take those stupid pants off”, but still…

“sorry i didn’t notice how you woke up, that book is so intriguing,” brian begins as soon as he enters the bathroom, but then something in jae’s eyes stops him. “do you need something?”

“yeah,” jae breathes out and takes one step closer. “you.”

with that he captures brian’s lips in a desperate kiss in hopes that it’ll show brian how much he wants it, wants him. brian makes a surprised sound, but kisses back with just as much passion, lets jae’s tongue trace his bottom lip and then lets him in, but pulls away upon hearing jae’s moan. jae doesn’t let him go, instead wraps his arms around his neck and starts pressing soft kisses all the way down his neck, enjoying the sound of brian’s heavy breathing.

“you’re injured,” brian reminds more to himself than to jae, but it’s so easy to see that he wants it too.

jae sees it in his eyes, feels it in the way brian’s big hands come to rest on his hips and leans in for another kiss, a hungrier one this time, his fingers already undoing the buttons of kang’s flannel, taking it off.

“brian, please,” he whispers and the younger just nods, taking his hand and leading their way back to bedroom.

brian is gentle, careful when he slowly pulls jae’s boxers down and presses tender kisses on the soft milky skin of his inner thighs, jae whimpering quietly, asking for more. when brian gets undressed too, jae is left speechless: it’s been so long, yet every part, every mole on brian’s body still looks so familiar. everything about brian always turns jae on, drives him crazy; he forgets how to breathe when brian’s lips are back on his, his fingers moving all the way down from his neck to the sensitive skin of his belly.

“you’re so-” brian almost growls as he leans down to kiss jae’s collarbones, making the older moan in pleasure. “so, so beautiful.”

at that moment jae understands that brian knows exactly why he wanted this to happen in the first place, understands brian saw the insecurity in his eyes, but he doesn’t care anymore, not when brian’s lips are slowly moving down, lower and lower, making him feel hot all over. jae’s fingers get lost in brian’s incredibly soft hair as his moans get louder and more desperate, brian still being careful not to press on the bruises, yet somehow making jae feel that he could reach his orgasm just because of these kisses, these sinful lips.

“you look so good right now,” he whispers and jae can swear he sees stars in his fox-like eyes when they make eye contact.

“i love you,” is all he manages to say before brian is kissing him again, distracting from the pain.

it takes jae some time to adjust before brian adds another finger, sucking on his collarbone as jae whimpers and moans his name. seeing jae being so pliant, so loud under his touch makes him feel incredibly tensed too, but he goes slow, makes sure jae is ready before pushing inside.

“i love you so much,” he half-moans because jae feels so good, so tight, so unbelievable and unreal. he reaches for jae’s hand and intertwines their fingers, gently pinning the other one to the pillow. “i love your teasing, love your beautiful eyes and melodic laugh, love the way you smile at me in the morning, i love how you always hug me from the back thinking i didn’t hear you, love your voice-”

“bribri…” jae whines, asking him to go faster, deeper.

“i love your wrists, your collarbones that should not be allowed to exist, love your long milky legs, i love the way your chest rises and falls steadily when you sleep, i love how much you enjoy touching my thighs and sleeping on my lap,” brian continues even though he’s almost out of breath, jae already a moaning mess under him.

“i’m-”

“i love it when you moan because of me, love seeing you let go of all control when you’re with me, love how you trust me to keep you safe and make you feel good, i love marking your body even though i already know your heart belongs to me, i just…”

“i’m so close, oh god,” jae mumbles and with one last broken moan he comes, breathing heavily and trying to wet his lips with his tongue.

that’s quite a sight to witness, so it doesn’t take long for brian to reach his orgasm too. jae smiles tiredly and gives him a kiss on the cheek before laying his head on brian’s chest, listening to the sound of his heart beating like crazy.

“i love you,” he whispers because he thinks he can never say it enough. “i love every little thing about you, brian kang.”

“i missed you,” brian says and jae knows exactly what he’s talking about.

“we have a lot of catching up,” he replies and kisses brian simply because he can’t resist it. “now that i’m getting better, i will soon be able to show both my and your neighbors just how extremely vocal i can get. somewhere in the kitchen, you know…”

“i prefer my bed, it’s big and soft, that’s a lot better than your kitchen counter,” brian laughs and makes a move to stand up, but jae doesn’t let him go.

“hey, let’s cuddle for now, the shower can wait.”

“whatever you want, baby.”

jae smiles and closes his eyes, enjoying the sound of brian’s breathing; he definitely loves sundays and having one currently naked brian kang in his bed.

 


	8. Chapter 8

two weeks after the crash jae catches brian writing lyrics. on any other day that wouldn’t surprise him at all because brian is the one who always writes new lyrics for songs that he may never even release, he’s always full of ideas, but today is totally different. it isn’t because brian kept writing something in his notebook while watching jae sleeping peacefully (he’s kind of used to being someone inspiring for his boyfriend), but because he really does look like he was caught doing something bad. he quickly hides the notebook under the pillow and fakes a happy smile, but jae doesn’t buy it. he frowns, thinking about how brian’s been acting weird ever since he came back from the tour, but then decides not to push it in order to save the morning.

it’s the last time in long weeks when he gets to wake up next to brian; yesterday the younger told him it was time to start working on his future single. that means he’ll get back to his house that is not far from the studio because jae’s been feeling a lot better and doesn’t need brian to look after him anymore. jae would really like to disagree, argue and make him stay, but he understands that if he does that, brian won’t be able to focus, and that he doesn’t want jae to wake up early or stay up too late because of his work; besides, he has his own things to do. it’s been a while since he uploaded anything on his channel or even updated his twitter – mostly because he was too busy enjoying brian’s company, and now he has to make up for it. he knows his fans only want him to rest well and take his time to come back healthy, but he doesn’t want to keep them waiting any longer.

“hey,” brian interrupts his thoughts and makes jae look at him. “everything okay?”

“yeah, sorry.”

“you’re not sad because i’m leaving today, right?” even though jae’s said it ten times yesterday, he still feels the need to ask, and jae can’t help but move closer and boop his nose.

“no, but i will surely miss you,” he giggles when brian starts pressing light kisses on the skin of his bare shoulders. “stop, it tickles!”

“what do you think about making today memorable and going on a date?” the younger asks as his lips keep going up until they reach jae’s.

“i love it,” with that, he closes the gap between them. “but what about the people?”

“let them stare,” is the reply and then brian continues his very successful attack on jae’s lips, lyrics long forgotten by both of them.

////

this time brian doesn’t take jae to a fancy restaurant, but lets him decide where to go instead. at first jae thinks that it’s a great idea – taking turns in planning their rare dates. brian then disappears in the shower, not without jokingly inviting jae to join him, and he’s left alone to think about it. but as time passes and nothing comes to his mind, jae starts feeling super useless and boring – all he can think about is going to the park because the weather is warm yet not so sunny and his allergies shouldn’t bother him that much. he tries to come up with something different, some place where they could enjoy themselves without being recognized by many people or maybe even something private, but his mind is suddenly even emptier than his bank account.

when brian steps out of the shower, he is met with the sight of jae’s head laid on the kitchen table, said man throwing a peace sign at him. he chuckles and takes a sit across the table, waiting for jae to say something, but the older just sighs and closes his eyes.

“i’ve just realized that i never really suggested any good places for a date and never took you out on one, we either stayed at mine or went to the cinema. i’m an awful boyfriend, bribri,” he whines, still looking at the table as if this poor thing had killed anyone and then pretended to be a table.

“it’s not your fault we could never go out freely, it’s just that we had to keep it a secret for different reasons, but now i don’t care anymore, so we can go anywhere, just name it.”

“yeah, it’s your fault that you’re so handsome and talented!”

“excuse me?” brian laughs and jae finally looks at him. “you’re just as popular and, in my humble opinion, even more handsome.”

“shut up,” jae pouts and everything about him right now reminds brian of an angry little bird. “we’re going to the park.”

“is it because you’re park?”

jae tells him that the joke is very lame, yet he still laughs at that before quickly finishing his cereal and writing down a short list of things he would need to buy later. he glares at brian, who takes his time having breakfast and teasing jae about not being able to eat cereal with milk (in a loving way, of course), and then refuses to hold his hand when they leave the apartment. even though they’re going out on what’s supposed to be a date, jae feels some kind of sadness when he sees brian with his backpack; he didn’t even notice how those days went by and now it’s time to get used to being apart again, get used to always waiting and only supporting his boyfriend through texts.

he sighs when he remembers how busy brian was while working on his previous album, how he could barely find time to call jae at least once a week and how sungjin, who sang one of the songs with brian, suddenly became the one who updated him on kang’s life more than the singer himself did. he shakes his head to get rid of those thoughts, but it’s too late now: brian is already giving him a worried look, silently asking for an explanation of this sudden change in the mood.

jae just shrugs his shoulders and keeps walking. soon they reach the park where a very unpleasant surprise is waiting for them; despite being a quiet and unpopular place, today the park is crowded – dozens of old ladies with their tiny dogs or grandchildren, teenagers on skateboards and bicycles and couples, lots of couples. jae turns to look at brian, fear written all over his face as he refuses to move any further.

“hey, these are just strangers who don’t care about us,” brian tries to calm him down, even lowers his voice and wants to take jae’s hand, but the older doesn’t let him do it.

“no, bri- let’s just act professional, like we met to discuss our collab or something, okay?”

“we can leave if you’re uncomfortable,” he suggests, but jae just gives him a weak smile, so he doesn’t press it.

at first they just walk side by side, enjoying how green and huge the trees around them are, breathing in fresh air and listening to birds' cheerful chirping, and it’s not as bad as jae thought it would be. no one seems to recognize them, people are just minding their own business and he almost regrets not letting brian hold his hand when he wanted to, but then they pass by a bench and a girl with red hair who was sitting there almost jumps when she sees them.

they both try to look unbothered and relaxed, but in reality jae’s heart is ready to jump out of his body when the girl runs to them with a happy smile on her face. she keeps the distance, though, and jae can see how her hands are shaking because of how nervous she is, so he does relax and smiles at the girl, encouraging her to say something; brian just greets her politely.

“ah, i thought there was something wrong with me, i thought, maybe i fell asleep because of that sun and it’s just a dream, but it’s! you! it’s really you! sorry, i’m so sorry for bothering you, i should’ve kept quiet and let you enjoy the walk!”

“it’s okay,” jae says because, well, he’s not mad – it’s not like she ruined anything or made him feel uncomfortable. not yet, at least.

“can i have a minute of your time? both of you, actually.”

“sure, we were just discussing some things, but it’s an opportunity that others don’t usually get, so take as long as you need,” it’s brian who replies this time and jae is thankful for that.

“i just wanted to thank you for helping me. you don’t even realize that, but… you know, last month my boyfriend broke up with me, it hurt me so much, i felt that i didn’t want to live anymore because he said some offensive things to me before he left… and on that day a new video was uploaded on jae’s channel. it was so hilarious that i couldn’t keep crying, i just laughed like crazy and then went to re-watch your old videos. you even replied to me on twitter once, telling me to keep my head up and to eat lobsters. it may sound stupid, but it’s only because i’m so nervous, i just really-really want you to know how amazing you are!”

the girl looks like she’s about to cry, so jae does the first thing that comes to his mind – gives her a hug, which, actually, makes her start crying even harder. brian smiles at that, but says nothing, instead he takes pictures to send them to her email later.

“hey, what’s your name?” jae asks when she calms down, but still wants to be held for just one more moment, not quite believing that it’s really happening.

“katie,” she whispers, wiping the tears with the hem of her green shirt.

“listen, katie, no one in this world has the right to tell you what to do, to tell you what to be in your life, and no one has the right to say bad things about you. not even you. you’re beautiful just the way you are and one day you’ll be able to see it, one day you’ll find someone who’d love you more than anything in the world, but until then you just have to keep your head up and think of such situations as very important life lessons. you can’t understand how important you are to yourself until someone makes you question it; just remember that you’re the most beautiful and trustworthy person you have in your life, okay? you’re the only one you’ll have in the end, so take care about yourself first.”

jae smiles when she nods and hugs him one more time. to be honest, he’s not sure if what he said was helpful in any way, but it’s the only thing he could think about, something that seemed important. then he remembers something else.

“i’m really grateful to have people like you as my fans. i want you all to remember that i’m not just a far away celebrity, but a guy who goes through the same things you do, a guy with similar problems and worries. and i’m really glad if my experience could help any of you.”

katie looks at him and opens her mouth to say something, but then just shakes her head and smiles again. she then turns to brian, who’s still busy taking pictures and even recording videos, and seems surprised to see tears in his eyes. jae is surprised too, but he does his best not to show it, even if no one is looking at him right now.

“such words make the artist understand that their work is worth something, that it’s meaningful,” brian explains.

“i discovered your songs through jae’s videos, but they helped me a lot too. i try not to miss your shows when i have money because the energy you have on stage, the way you interact with fans is something beyond beautiful! can we expect to see you together one day – on stage or in a video?”

jae instinctively looks for the answer in brian’s eyes, wants him to take responsibility this time too, but not only his eyes, his whole body tells jae that it’s his choice, his decision. for a second he wants to admit that she can expect to see more than that, wants to cross the line and finally tell the world they’re not just two guys who only talk on twitter, but then something stops him, then he understands he’s not ready for it yet and settles for a simpler answer.

“no matter how much i’d love to promise you something, i can’t. young k is very busy right now and i’ve just recovered from the car crash, i mentioned that on twitter, so i’m not sure. we met to talk about it, but we haven’t even started yet: i was too busy fanboying and then you came up to us.”

“sorry for talking so much!” katie wants to apologize, but jae laughs and says that it’s all young k’s fault, not her. “oh, and jae… before i leave, there’s one more thing i wanted to say: i hope that one day you’ll find someone who’d be with you through everything, who’d become your own little world. you deserve to have that person, and when the time comes, we’ll support you. you both seem like really good boyfriends!”

she says something to brian too, but jae doesn’t listen anymore; he’s too busy being in his “own little world”. he thinks about the offensive and rude words a person can say to someone, thinks about how people don’t think straight while saying them, yet never even apologize and never realize how much it could break someone’s heart. he can’t help but look back at their relationship and remember all their fights with brian. there were times when they yelled at each other, slept in different beds if it happened late at night, he remembers not talking to brian for two weeks and he also remembers how brian once blocked his number for some stupid reasons, yet they never crossed the line, never insulted each other. they both aren’t perfect and so is their relationship, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.

“jaejae?” brian’s voice brings him back to reality.

he looks up with a smile on his face and only then notices that katie is already gone and it’s just the two of them now. he sees that brian is curious to hear what’s on his mind, but instead of saying anything he just keeps walking, brian follows him without hesitation.

“that was really inspiring,” is all kang says and jae doesn’t have anything to add. “am i a good boyfriend, though?”

“yes, you are,” jae whispers because this moment feels too intimate to speak louder.

he can’t bring himself to stop and look brian in the eye, can’t explain the fountain of feelings he has inside, so he doesn’t say anything else, hoping that the singer will get the message.

he does.

“you know, she made me think a lot about my upcoming single again. i haven’t told you yet, but i wrote the lyrics after talking to your mom, it only took me an hour, but i still like every word of that future song…”

it’s brian who stops under a tree big enough to hide them from all the people in the park. he sits down on the grass and asks jae to take a sit too; the older doesn’t argue and does as told.

“i’ve had this idea and wanted to share it with you, but i couldn’t find the right words at first, something that would describe this the way i feel it. it came when your mother told me that you’d be fine.”

“what is it?” jae asks quietly because he sees how difficult it is for brian to go on, to think about the crash and losing his love again.

“it’ll be released under the title ‘best part’. we’re all so busy waiting for a perfect moment that we often forget there’s nothing better than right now, that it’s something we won’t experience ever again. it made me want to tell the world that right now is your best part. it doesn’t have to be a perfect moment as people may think, you just have to treasure each and every moment of your life. yesterday you were talking in your sleep again, you said you loved me and held my t-shirt so tight like i was going to disappear if you let me go. that was when i once again understood that every moment is my best part, that you are my best part and everything around me too.”

“oh, brian…”

jae doesn’t know any words that could express his feelings right now, he simply follows his heart and kisses brian right on the lips, surprising him. the younger kisses back and smiles into the kiss, but when they pull away, he touches his lips in disbelief and looks confused; jae can’t help but giggle.

“you’ve just kissed me in public…”

“that’s because you’re my best part. i love you and i’m tired of hiding it. if they catch us, let it be, if they don’t – then it’s good. i’m sure we have a lot of people like katie and haters will always find their way to insult us.”

“i think someone wants to talk to you,” brian says because jae is too excited to notice that someone’s calling him.

“hi pil! what’s good!” he finally answers the call.

_“what did you two do this time to become a hot topic trending on twitter?”_

wonpil sounds so done with both of them that jae can’t help but laugh. consequences? they’ll think about it later. right now is their best part (and wonpil is part of it too).

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you, Laura <3

they decide not to check twitter and choose to focus on what’s happening right now instead of thinking about all the “what if”s. they sit under that big tree for what feels like hours, jae’s head on brian’s lap and the younger humming some random songs about space; but soon the sun gets replaced with dark clouds and it suddenly starts raining. heavy droplets falling from the sky force brian to open his big black umbrella, but it’s still not enough to avoid getting their clothes all wet, so kang takes out his phone and asks dowoon to come save them.

jae pouts, saying that the rain has ruined all the fun, but brian disagrees.

“we’re here alone now, so we can kiss and do whatever we want, plus the rain always inspires a certain romantic mood, doesn’t it?” he asks with a smile on his face, making jae snort.

“yeah, when it’s raining outside and you’re cuddling with your lover under the softest blankets with two mugs of hot chocolate, not like this.”

the singer wants to say something, but then jae notices dowoon’s car parking next to the entrance and starts running, leaving him alone to struggle with his umbrella. he makes it to the car just a few moments later, happy to finally be somewhere warm, and takes a sit impossibly close to jae, their legs and arms brushing. he whispers that this way it’s not that cold and, despite seeing how dowoon rolls his eyes, takes jae’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers.

jae doesn’t comment that, but judging from the blush that is quickly spreading on his cheeks brian can sense that he’s thankful, even if he won’t ever admit it. the ride is silent and none of them wants to break that comfortable silence, so jae closes his eyes and doesn’t even notice how brian’s warmth combined with the soft sound of rain lulls him to sleep.

“hey, angel,” he hears a few moments later and feels a pair of lips pressed to his forehead. “we’re here.”

“already?” jae mumbles, rubbing his eyes sleepily, and even dowoon finds it cute, not to mention how much brian’s heart hurts because of this small action.

“you should take a shower and get changed into something cozy, we don’t want you to get sick, right?”

jae nods, but he doesn’t want to go just yet, and brian understands that; he doesn’t press, lets the older rest his head on his shoulder and almost melts when jae leaves a soft kiss on his neck, lips not leaving warm skin for a few seconds. his thoughts wander back to the lyrics he’s been writing this morning and he can’t control a wide smile adorning his face when he thinks about finally getting to record and sing this song in front of his fans, but all for jae.

the time hasn’t come yet, he reminds himself and gently shakes jae’s shoulder, silently asking him to get up and go before it gets too difficult for both of them. that’s a strange feeling; they’re only saying goodbye for a few weeks, but for some reasons he’s afraid of letting jae go, afraid that something will go wrong when it’s just started to get better.

“good luck with the single, but don’t overwork yourself, love,” jae says quietly before stepping out of the car, not without giving brian one last kiss.

“can you two just get married already or is it too much to ask?” dowoon pretends to be mad at them, but brian just laughs as he watches jae run to the building where his apartment is.

“maybe when you stop blushing every time i mention wonpil,” he replies, totally enjoying how dowoon’s ears get red immediately.

“you’re so mean!”

“careful, woonie, don’t forget you’re actually working for me.”

“touché.”

////

jae spends almost an hour showering with hot water, puts on his (used-to-be-brian’s) blue hoodie and turns on the tv before finally taking his phone and unlocking it. he meant every word he said earlier and still means it, but making himself open twitter and check his mentions is a lot more difficult than he expected it to be. he’s not afraid to admit that they’re dating, but the possibility of only getting hate instead of support scares him. sure, there are people like katie from the park, people who’d be by his side no matter what happens, but it’s not even about him, if he’s being completely honest. he’s already had to deal with his share of hate back in high school and his first months as a youtuber and he’s pretty sure he’s capable of going through it again, but just the thought of brian getting hate not only as a human being, but as an artist scares the hell out of him.

he takes a deep breath and wishes he asked wonpil about it when they were still together with brian, but what’s done can’t be changed, so he opens twitter and sees that “jae and young k” is still trending worldwide with thousands of new tweets appearing every few minutes. he expects to see pictures of them kissing or holding hands and prepares for the worst, but starts laughing in relief once he sees top tweets discussing them. it isn’t about them being together as a couple, these are just pictures from katie and her story about meeting them in the park, screams about their future collab, theories and predictions, and some random tweets including their names. he doesn’t understand what exactly made twitter explode like this, but it’s twitter after all, and after a few minutes of scrolling through the most popular tweets he decides to add some fire to that party and posts a selfie of them together that brian so desperately wanted to take _(“that will be a great memory, come on”)._

@jaesix (8:46 pm.)

finally met the man of my dreams! didn’t get to make him sing my favorite song, but we did discuss some things ;) that was only the first step in making a collab of my life, buuut! that part is already the best, so stay tuned for more news^^

right after sending the tweet he closes the app with a mischievous smile on his face and pays all the attention to the tv where his favorite show is about to start; he hates to admit it but they often watched it together with wonpil and he somehow grew to like it almost as much as kim does. he doesn’t get a chance to relax, though, as new messages from brian start appearing on the screen.

fox <3 (8:54 pm.)

_can’t believe you actually posted that selfie_

_collab of your life huh_

jae (8:57 pm.)

_what do you even know about giving hints_

fox <3 (8:59 pm.)

_more like giving spoilers about my new song that is not even recorded yet_

_but back to collab_

_we haven’t discussed anything, have we?_

jae almost slaps himself for not asking brian before tweeting that thing. sure, he’s been dreaming about filming a video with brian for almost a year now, but it’s not like the singer knew anything about it. he doesn’t really know why, but they never talked about filming something together, so the idea of inviting brian to make a guest appearance on his channel didn’t seem like the best one. now he thinks that it was stupid of him.

jae (9:02 pm.)

_shit sorry_

_i just thought that maybe we could do something in the future?_

_to promote ‘best part’, for example_

_but if you don’t want to we can just say that you’re too busy_

_later, i mean_

fox <3 (9:07 pm.)

_no wait_

_i meant it in a “we should talk about it” way_

jae (9:10 pm.)

_omg you scared me so much_

_i thought you were against it_

fox <3 (9:15 pm.)

_are you pouting_

jae (9:20 pm.)

_no_

fox <3 (9:23 pm.)

_yes you are_

_anyway we can film something once i’m done with the song which will be in mmm two weeks?_

jae (9:26 pm.)

_i’m thinking of a q &a _

_wait i got an email from sungjin, brb_

he frowns: sungjin’s never texted him before, choosing to contact brian instead if he wanted something from jae. turns out it’s nothing he should worry about; sungjin is simply inviting him to attend his upcoming show that will be held as a support act for his album that has actually been out for almost a week now. jae sends brian a few angry texts asking why he didn’t say anything about the album and then goes back to re-read the message as sungjin’s raspy voice from the first song fills the room.

_hello jae!_

_i’ll be playing a show this friday at 8 pm, but since our kang bra is so busy working i’m only inviting you and one of your friends! it’s ok if you can’t come too, but i’d really love to see you at the show & hang out after _

_\- PSJ_

there are two vip balcony tickets attached to the message and it takes jae almost twenty minutes to decide who’d like to go there with him: usually he’d just call jamie and she was always up for anything, but jamie is currently in thailand and his other friends are not so into sungjin’s music. he doesn’t want to upset sungjin who definitely needs support from someone he knows, but at the same time he hates going to concerts alone; after a few moments of thinking he comes to the conclusion that he has no one except for… wonpil!

wonpil may not be a fan of sungjin’s songs, but if he acts cute enough and promises something that would be worth his free time, then it’s going to be okay. kim doesn’t answer two of his calls, probably busy watching the show, but picks up the third time jae tries to call him.

“i hope you have a good reason for that, jaehyung park,” he warns instead of greeting his friend and jae chuckles; of course, because of him wonpil won’t be able to focus on today’s ending.

“is telling you that i’m ready to collab with you good enough?” he asks and almost drops his phone when wonpil starts screaming.

“you what?! i’ve been waiting for ages!”

“yeah-yeah, that’s a cool thing and i’m an ass, i know, but i actually need your help…”

“and here i was – thinking that you loved me,” wonpil sighs, but jae can almost hear him smiling.

“well, that’s actually why i need your help. remember brian’s friend, sungjin? he’s having a concert this friday and he sent me two vip tickets, but i don’t know anyone else who’d be up for it.”

“i only know one of his songs,” wonpil tries to protest, but jae doesn’t let him finish.

“he just wants to see some familiar faces and, trust me, yours is very familiar to him.”

“oh, this story has just become a lot more interesting. okay, i’ll go with you, but i get to choose what we’re filming.”

jae groans, already trying to accept the fact that he’s going to embarrass himself in front of his subscribers because he’s absolutely sure wonpil will make him do something related to makeup.

“right,” is all he manages to say before hanging up.

////

wonpil insists that they film it on friday before going to the show because “otherwise you’ll say it was a joke and i’ve already published a post on instagram telling my babies that they should expect someone special to visit my channel soon”. of course, out of this whole phrase jae only gets that wonpil calls his subscribers “babies” and he can’t stop laughing when he remembers that on his way to kim’s apartment.

he doesn’t visit wonpil often, usually it’s wonpil who comes to jae’s apartment and sometimes even stays for the night; it’s mostly because he has a dog (that is a small copy of his owner – both cute and annoying) and jae’s allergic to animals. this time it was inevitable, though: wonpil is too lazy to bring all of his stuff to jae’s, but the main reason is that they won’t have to struggle with finding the right angle and light because wonpil is a professional when it comes to filming such videos.

“such videos”, of course, means videos about makeup, different kinds of cosmetics and other beauty products, sometimes even clothes. as much as jae hates just the idea of being a part of it, he doesn’t have much of a choice. wonpil is already super excited; he greets jae with a wide smile and even gives him a tight hug, being a sincere little fairy he is, so jae doesn’t have the heart to even tease him about it. he just sits on the unnecessarily big sofa and waits for his friend to finish all the preparations.

“okay, i think we can begin now, i’ll just film a quick introduction.”

jae nods and takes out his camera; he’s already filmed an introduction on his way and he doesn’t want wonpil to see it until the video is up since he greets kim’s fans as “babies” there. maybe his own fans need a name too?

“where’s beth?” he asks when wonpil invites him to the table where they’re supposed to be filming.

“she’s with my cute little neighbor, i don’t want you to sneeze every two minutes.”

“how nice of you,” jae mumbles, trying to calm himself down.

he doesn’t know what worries him this much; maybe it’s the thought that he knows absolutely nothing about the topic wonpil chose or maybe it’s the fact that he hasn’t filmed anything for almost three weeks. whatever this thing is, he manages to hide it as soon as they start recording, or at least he hopes so.

“what’s gooood!” he yells, ignoring the unimpressed look wonpil gives him. “it’s time to turn pil’s channel into something more energetic and add some cuteness to my videos, that’s why i’m here today as a very-very special and long awaited guest!”

“well, since you’re doing all the talking, maybe you can also tell them what are we going to do?”

“today we’re having a tiny challenge. wonpil, being an expert, will have me as a model to show off his amazing skills, and i will try to do his makeup in return. where’s the fun in that, you would ask, but i’m telling you, being all honest right now, that among all the things on his table i only know what an eyeshadow is – simply because my mom used it a lot. it’s going to be a disaster, but i’m sure you all know wonpil is always beautiful, so we can have a good laugh and then still fall for him. let’s get it!”

wonpil reminds him that it’s actually his channel, but jae just laughs and lets him explain their plan “in a language that he doesn’t understand”. he adds that they won’t be allowed to look in the mirror until it’s done and asks jae to please be serious about this and then real work starts. wonpil talks about every step while he carefully but surely does jae’s makeup and the older doesn’t even know where to laugh or make a joke; he just sits there, admiring wonpil’s skills, yet thinking of it as the most boring collaboration he’s ever had.

“and with the last touch… it’s done!” kim announces thirty minutes later; jae stretches and yawns, pretending that he was asleep this whole time.

“so, how do i look?” he asks with an innocent smile, but wonpil is good at teasing too.

“good enough to make someone hot and famous fall for you!” he replies and jae prays that no one can see the blush on his cheeks.

“now it’s my turn to make you look like an ideal type for that someone’s ‘hot and famous’ bodyguard,” he winks at the younger and can’t hold back a smile when wonpil gulps.

he stars with confidence, but loses it after two minutes and begins to feel miserable, yet does his best to keep a straight face, not to show how nervous he is. wonpil, being a good friend, doesn’t even comment his awkward attempts, though it can be clearly seen that he wants to. in the end jae just gives up, but suggests to make it funnier and asks wonpil to finish his makeup without looking in the mirror. he doesn’t expect his friend to be so good at that, but it’s still funny because he doesn’t know what colors jae used, so he ends up looking more like a clown than dowoon’s ideal type.

“i regret not asking you to go out like that,” jae laughs when it’s done and wonpil finally takes the mirror.

“if you weren’t that bad at this… but look, you’re really handsome.”

wonpil doesn’t seem to be mad about having to wash his face, but then jae reminds himself that he’s never seen wonpil angry, so it makes sense. he’s right: jae does look a lot better with makeup on, but the feeling of something on his face is odd and kind of uncomfortable, so he follows wonpil to the bathroom where kim helps him get back to his usual self.

they decide to wear masks and caps in order to avoid drawing any unwanted attention as they go to the concert hall; jae makes wonpil listen to sungjin’s new album while he’s driving. it’s been almost two months since he attended a concert, so he gets emotional the moment sungjin comes on stage and wishes he was part of the crowd, not stuck on the balcony with wonpil who barely gives any reaction except for a quiet “woah” from time to time. the concert is crazy good; sungjin knows when to play sad ballads and how to make everyone dance and scream their hearts out, and by the end of the show even wonpil starts dancing a little.

“i must admit that i slept on a really good singer,” he says when it’s over and they wait for everyone to leave the venue and for sungjin to come see them. “he’s like- so professional!”

“thank you, wonpil,” they hear behind their backs and turn around to see a satisfied sungjin smiling at them. “i watch your videos when i feel stressed and they really help brighten my mood, that’s how i knew your name, don’t worry.”

sungjin looks happy and jae suddenly realizes that it’s his first time meeting wonpil in real life. if he was sungjin, he wouldn’t be so excited; not because he doesn’t like wonpil, it’s his best friend after all, but because wonpil talks too much and never knows how to stop, because wonpil in general is too much and sungjin, according to brian, isn’t really the one who likes talking when it’s not necessary. sungjin, though, seems to have a different opinion because he keeps listening to wonpil with a very fond expression and doesn’t even notice jae until he coughs to get his attention.

“congratulations, the album is fire, i wish brian was here to support you too. you certainly have your own way to interact with public, that’s great, at some point i caught myself thinking that i want to be in the crowd too,” he says, but even if sungjin listens to him, he keeps staring at wonpil with heart eyes and just nods in reply.

ouch, jae thinks, that can be dangerous. wonpil seems to notice it too and gets all nervous, but still saves them both when he suddenly remembers that he needs to go for a walk with beth before it gets too dark; jae volunteers to go with him, but they both know it’s just an excuse for him to avoid having to listen and discuss how pretty and cute wonpil is. sungjin seems upset, but jae is sure as hell that it’s the best decision for all three of them; maybe this way sungjin won’t make things too complicated.

“can’t believe you got a whole park sungjin crushing on you,” he says later when they finally get in the car.

“he’s nice and all, but…”

“but?”

“i think i’m in love with dowoon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who subscribed and leaved kudos on this work, thanks to you it reached 100 kudos and it's something i couldn't even imagine when starting it.
> 
> if you're here and if it's not too difficult for you, please leave a comment. anything, even a few words, would mean a lot to me. it'd only take you a few minutes while writing one chapter usually takes me up to 4 hours. that's very important to me, thank you🙏🏻


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !! trigger warning: the second half of the chapter has a character going through a panic attack. please skip to the end if you're sensitive to that; it starts from the studio.
> 
> hey guys, sorry for not updating this one so long, at least i got you a chapter longer than usually~

when jae says he hates wonpil he doesn’t mean it as “wonpil is an awful person”, no. it’s not about him being annoying or acting cute when it is absolutely unnecessary, it’s not about him crying on jae’s shoulder after watching a sad movie, it’s not even about him waking jae up in the earliest hours of the day- oh, wait, when jae says he hates wonpil he means exactly that.

it’s barely nine when someone (oh, who could that be) starts knocking on the door; at first jae tries to ignore it, he really does, but this person doesn’t seem to stop and leave any time soon, so eventually he is forced to get up. he yawns as he makes his way to the door, rubbing his eyes sleepily, and doesn’t get surprised when he sees wonpil, not even a little bit. wonpil looks like a little lost bunny and starts blushing furiously when he sees that jae is wearing nothing but boxers, not bothering to put on some clothes. jae lets him in but doesn’t stay there for long, instead he goes back to bedroom and slips under the blanket, as if telling best friend to fuck off; wonpil doesn’t give up and follows him there.

“i don’t care,” jae warns before wonpil even has a chance to open his mouth as he makes himself comfortable again.

“jae, please, i really need your help.”

“you always say that, how am i supposed to believe that this time it’s something serious?”

“i’ve already told dowoon you’d come with me,” wonpil mumbles and the blush on his cheeks becomes even deeper.

“did you finally confess to him and now you’re here to invite me to plan your wedding? because if it’s not the case, then i won’t even move.”

“he somehow knows that i get up early so he texted me and asked if i could please look after his little puppy for a few hours because he is afraid to leave the baby alone with his cats. of course, i freaked out and said i’d come with you because we’d already planned to meet today!”

listening with his eyes closed, jae doesn’t notice how wonpil steps closer and closer to his bed until said man grabs his hand and makes him get up. at that moment he wishes he had no friends at all, but then wonpil throws him a pair of jeans and he just starts getting dressed without saying anything – there’s a lot he would like to say, though.

“i’ll buy you a huge pizza. jae, last time i saw him i thanked him for having such beautiful eyes instead of saying thanks for the help,” wonpil tries when he sees that jae is still both sleepy and angry.

“pizza sounds good,” jae finally gives up – he can’t say no to wonpil when it comes to his love life and hates himself for that.

it’s not only because wonpil is his best friend, but mostly because he really can’t do anything on his own. of course, people fall for wonpil because of his undeniable charms and because he is who he is, but if jae can save him from a few more embarrassing moments, then it’s great, isn’t it? at least he can make sure that this time everything goes right and dowoon doesn’t get complimented when it’s not necessary.

“you forgot one small detail, though, and it makes you a big idiot,” he says a few minutes later when he’s fully dressed and is almost ready to go.

wonpil looks at him, curious to hear what exactly makes him more of an idiot than he already is, and jae chuckles. after all, wonpil is too cute to resist his cries for help.

“dowoon is a very shy boy, so he would never openly ask you out, but this is his way of doing it. and you ruined his hopes by bringing me with you, that is when dowoon is fully aware that i’m allergic to animals.”

“oh my god, i did it again!” wonpil mumbles in shock.

“huh?”

“remember when i told brian you’ve never been to a zoo and he thought of it as a good idea for a date? the one where you had your first kiss? i’m so bad at this,” he finishes with his head hanging low, lips forming a sad pout.

but of course, jae only hears what he wants to hear.

“that was not our first kiss!” he says before he can even think about it but then slaps himself right in the face upon realizing that.

“what?!”

well, now wonpil is even more shocked than he was a few moments ago, but at least he’s not thinking that he can only ruin everyone’s dates anymore.

“what?” jae asks too; he doesn’t want to talk about it and does his best to avoid it. “come on, dowoon’s baby needs us, i didn’t take my medicine for nothing.”

dowoon’s name catches wonpil’s attention and he hurries towards the door; jae smiles mischievously as he follows kim, the smile doesn’t leave his face even when they get into the car – it seems that wonpil was quick to forget about his words, only having dowoon on his mind, and he gets to play with a cute puppy, what can possibly go wrong?

////

twenty minutes later he slaps himself again because _everything_ goes wrong. dowoon lets them in with a very awkward smile on his face and while jae takes off his shoes and comes to sit on the couch, wonpil still stands in the doorway and blinks with his mouth open. dowoon, being adorably shy, blushes like a tomato and tries to invite wonpil in by random gestures instead of saying anything. it looks so much like a scene from those super old comedy movies that didn’t have sound yet it’s real and it’s happening right in front of him, so jae can’t help but roll his eyes and go to look for the puppy.

he’s always (well, for as long as he knows brian) been fond of dowoon’s cats, but he’s more of a dog person, besides, you just can’t miss an opportunity to cuddle with a tiny fluffly puppy, no matter how allergic you are to them. the puppy is nowhere to be found, so after a few minutes of searching he gives up and sits back on the couch with a very disappointed look on his face. wonpil finally enters the room, but they both still keep silent with their ears literally burning from embarrassment, and jae thinks he can’t watch it anymore so he coughs loudly, drawing all their attention to himself instead. that’s a real disaster, he thinks, good thing i’m here.

“okay, so we’re here,” he begins, not quite knowing what he wants to say, but it’s still better than this awkward silence.

“sorry for dragging you out of bed and thanks for coming to help despite your allergies,” dowoon replies, feeling comfortable again while wonpil does his best to become invisible, but keeps staring at yoon with heart eyes.

“it’s fine, i would never miss a chance to meet a puppy,” jae says with a smile and gestures for wonpil to say something; kim doesn’t react and he rolls his eyes. big problem.

“right, my baby! brian told me that wonpil is familiar with how to look after them, so i assume it won’t be much of a trouble?”

“yes,” wonpil mumbles in a small voice.

dowoon disappears in his bedroom but soon returns holding a little puppy with golden fur; jae reaches his hand to pet him and the puppy starts wiggling his tail excitedly. yoon, however, gives him to wonpil and even smiles at him before turning red again. jae sighs, why is he stuck with those idiots and without a puppy again?

“i… i still haven’t come up with a good name for him, so i either call him baby or puppy. i’ll try to come back as soon as possible, but i don’t know how much time it’ll take, so… please don’t leave him alone, i don’t know how the cats may react.”

“don’t worry,” wonpil says while petting the baby; seems like he finally gained some confidence.

“we should probably feed him,” jae suggests when dowoon leaves them alone with his pets.

wonpil nods and asks him to hold the puppy; together they go to the kitchen, where wonpil starts preparing food. he knows what he’s doing and jae decides not to distract him and pets the puppy instead, who almost jumps out of his skin at this action.

“hey goldie,” he says quietly and the kid seems to like this name as he wiggles his tail again and barks softly. jae giggles. “feed the cats too.”

wonpil does as told and soon they get back to the living room, enjoying how happy dowoon’s puppy is running around the room and not even noticing how two cats stare at him. jae takes his time playing with the cute animal, but then wonpil does that again – unintentionally ruins all the fun.

“when did you kiss brian for the first time?” he asks and judging by his expression jae can say that this time he won’t get distracted that easily.

“why are you so interested in our first kiss?”

“first, you lied to me. second, i don’t know what to expect, i’ve never kissed anyone,” kim admits after hesitating for a few seconds.

jae sighs.

“first, it’s personal, why’d i have to share it? second, long story short, it was super embarrassing and awkward.”

to be honest, it wasn’t bad at all and he doesn’t mind talking about it with brian when the younger feels more sentimental than usually and starts suddenly asking questions about their first steps as a couple. he knows brian would never tease him about being so shy back then, but wonpil wouldn’t let him live if he somehow found out about it, so jae had to lie because he’s still sensitive about that.

“come on, nothing can be as awkward as my interactions with dowoon, when he’s close i just freeze and i can’t even say anything, it feels like some kind of magic or, i don’t know, a superpower.”

“that’s definitely a superpower – to be able to make you shut up.”

“sometimes i feel like you hate me, but i know it’s your way of expressing love, so please continue,” wonpil says with a smile and jae laughs. touché.

“it actually happened after we went to watch something in the cinema, can’t remember what it was, but it doesn’t matter. brian walked me home, he didn’t have his car that day because he wanted us to enjoy our time together for as long as possible, and before leaving he hugged me and he was so close that i felt he wanted to kiss me,” jae can’t believe that it’s really happening, but so far wonpil seems to be genuinely interested in the story, he’s nowhere near close to laughing at him yet.

“and what made it so embarrassing? did you miss his lips or bit him or, i don’t know, told him it was too early for this?”

“no, dummy, i said that i’ve never kissed anyone before and that i was afraid something would go wrong because of me.”

“no way!”

“you see, i was head over heels for that man, my stomach still does that thing every time we kiss, so of course i was worried!”

“but you could’ve guessed it’d come to kissing him at some point.”

“i just needed some time to get ready,” jae admits, feeling a wave of heat rising to his cheeks. “and he laughed, called me silly and kissed me.”

“let me guess: you then asked him if you were okay?”

“and he just kissed me again,” jae sighs, suddenly missing the feeling of brian’s lips on his.

“not sure if i want to know the details, but i bet you asked the same thing after having sex for the first time. it’s good that brian never made fun of that, but was there to reassure and help you overcome your problems with self-esteem. i really meant it when i said he’s the best man for you.”

“wow, i was expecting you to laugh, but thank you, pirie, it means a lot.”

they don’t continue this talk because the puppy seems to get tired and comes to rest on jae’s lap. wonpil finds it incredibly cute and takes a few pictures, but after some time jae starts feeling sleepy too. he doesn’t even notice how his head touches the floor and soon dozes off, still holding the puppy close.

he’s both surprised and thankful when he wakes up on the couch, but alone in the apartment. dowoon’s cats give him a judging look but right now he doesn’t care about them; he only wants to know how long he slept and where did wonpil and goldie, as he calls the puppy, go.

he doesn’t have to guess and wait for too long as the front door opens and wonpil comes in smiling, dowoon following him with the puppy in his hands. they both look quite happy and jae prays that it’s what he thinks about, that they finally got the courage to at least talk for more than five minutes.

“we’ve decided to call him zitrone!” dowoon announces proudly, not noticing how wonpil blushes at the “we” part.

“what does that even mean?” jae asks because he was about to suggest the name “goldie”.

“that’s lemon in german, i guess? it was wonpil’s idea, so i’m not sure, but i guess it fits.”

“wait, are you really going to name your dog…lemon? in german?”

dowoon nods with a smile and jae slaps himself in the face for the third time.

////

brian can’t stop a tired yet wide smile spreading on his face when his phone notifies him about new messages from jae. he pauses the piece he’s been working on for the past three hours, though still doesn’t take off his headphones, feeling more comfortable this way. he’s surprised to see that it’s past midnight already, but, well, he never knows what time it is when he works on something.

he’s finished working on ‘best part’ four days ago and now all that’s left is wait for its release, but since he booked the studio for three weeks, there’s still time for him to use it and he decided to start working on the album. jae supported this idea too, saying that this way he’ll be able to have some rest when the promotion for the single is over, so he went for it without further hesitation. he’s already finished writing lyrics for almost every song on the future album, but working on music has always been different, more difficult and tricky. he hasn’t done any official recordings for the album yet, just played by himself or invited jae (sometimes sungjin) to join him, but knowing that the work is going, slowly, but surely, still makes him feel good.

he leans back in the chair and stretches for a bit before taking the phone in his hands and unlocking it to finally send jae a reply.

jaejae (12:34 am.)

_dowoon literally agreed to name his puppy a lemon bUT in GERMAN_

_because wonpil said so_

_those idiots_

YK (12:48 am.)

_did they finally talk?_

jaejae (12:52 am.)

_idk i’ve been asleep with goldie (i swear he likes this name better) then woke up without him alone_

_wonpil made me talk about our first kiss_

YK (12:54 am.)

_ouch_

_did you tell him the real story?_

jaejae (12:56 am.)

_yeah i kinda had to_

_he didn’t even laugh_

_said you’re the best man for me_

_and i thought that i_

_really really miss kissing your lips : < _

YK (12:59 am.)

_aww baby_

_i’d love to be there with you right now_

_but i want to work for a few more hours, i feel like i’m getting there_

_promise i won’t stay up for too long_

jaejae (1:02 am.)

_ok i trust you_

_good luck!! <3 _

YK (1:03 am.)

_sleep well_

_i love you_

jaejae (1:05 am.)

_love you too_

after that he hits play and gets back to editing, but his mind keeps making him imagine how jae is curling into a tiny ball under the blankets, how he hugs his pillow and yawns and how adorable it must look from the side. jae’s always been his biggest distraction, but at first he still tries to ignore it because he really wants to finish writing a guitar melody for one of the tracks tonight. it doesn’t work, no matter how hard he tries, and he starts yawning himself, wishing only to be there with jae right now, not in the cold studio. after twenty minutes of doing nothing he gives up, fully understanding that he won’t able to focus on music unless he stops thinking about jae, and decides to take a break.

going out for some fresh air seems like a good idea; soon he finds himself near the exit, ready to push the door open, and that’s when he starts suspecting that something’s wrong. his hands start shaking, though he hasn’t even stepped outside yet, and he frowns, but figures he won’t know it if he doesn’t move and takes a step forward.

the very moment he does so he sees a bright, almost blinding lightning crossing the sky and soon it’s followed by a loud thunder, which scares the hell of him: there’s a freaking thunderstorm roaring in the sky and he hasn’t heard it because the studio is soundproof and he was wearing headphones all the time anyway. he feels that he can’t move, not even his finger, and instead of running back into the building he falls down on his knees, letting the rain swallow him, holding his hands up as if in surrender. he feels cold water running down his spine, making his hair, face, shirt and jeans wet, yet it doesn’t help him get back to reality, it’s only making everything worse.

brian feels like there’s no way out, no way to escape and get back to someone’s warm and safe embrace, all he sees is an endless, bottomless void that is ready to eat him alive. it feels like the world is laughing at his face, making lightning and thunder dance in the sky, more so, brian feels like the end of the world is as close as it could ever be, like he’s going to die the very next minute. he starts to feel dizzy and shakes his head to push these thoughts away, but it changes nothing and soon he finds it difficult to breathe, his whole body trembling with fear.

he was never afraid of seeing blood, meeting snakes or huge spiders, was never afraid of small spaces and heights, was the first one to help get rid of an ugly bug and always calmed jae down when he’d start whining after watching a horror movie, but this, this is something he’d easily call his biggest fear – thunderstorms. perhaps it wouldn’t be this bad, maybe he would even laugh at someone with such fear; that is if one day back when he was thirteen the lightning didn’t hit a tree right next to him, burning it to ashes and scaring him to death. ever since then thunderstorms are only causing panic attacks, which are very hard to deal with on your own.

brian tries to breathe in deep, tries counting to ten, but nothing helps and there’s no one to save him; it’s dark and cold and the whole situation feels like the worst nightmare.

“fucking shit,” he curses quietly, still struggling to breathe normally and bends down in hopes to hide from the thunder, from his fear and from death too.

when he does so, his phone falls on the ground and it works like a beam of light for him. brian still doesn’t know what to do, but jae’s happy smile flashes in front of his eyes and he grabs the phone; three times he gets the numbers wrong because his mind is clouded and fingers are shaking and then starts counting. jae picks up when he says “six”.

“mmm, bri?”

his voice is heavy with sleep and brian feels like shit for waking him up; he wants to scream, but even when he opens his mouth no sound comes out.

“bri, are you okay? what happened? are you crying?”

“i-”

“shit, thunderstorm!” brian can hear how jae jumps out of bed and his voice kind of lessens the pain. “brian, can you get back to the studio?”

he just keeps crying; he didn’t even notice the tears until jae asked him about it, though?

“brian, listen to me, you’ll be okay, i promise, you hear that? just hang in there for a few more minutes, i’ll get to you soon.”

jae doesn’t hang up and brian is thankful for that. he listens to jae’s shaky breathing, hears him mumbling something about the weather and then there’s a sound of a car, then another and soon it becomes so loud that he can’t hear what jae’s saying anymore. there’s another strike in the sky and this time he screams.

“brian!” jae calls from the phone, but he still can’t bring himself to react, feeling caged, defeated. “i’m almost there, love, please breathe, just keep breathing and don’t look up, okay?”

“i don’t know what to do, jae, i don’t-”

he then sees a car parking not far from the studio, sees how jae hurriedly pays to the driver and then runs towards him, immediately hugging him. he starts rubbing circles on his back, gently rocking them back and forth, and whispers for him to keep breathing. he hears a loud thunder again and leans closer to jae, burying his face deeper in his chest. they sit like that for minutes until he finally starts breathing again, jae doesn’t let go of him not even for a second and presses soft kisses on his forehead.

“we should get you home, you’ll be safe there with me. can you get up?”

“maybe, but-”

“hey, little fox,” jae hesitates for a second before gently tilting his chin up. “look at me. i won’t let it hurt you, do you trust me?”

“yes,” he breathes out and takes jae’s hand.

jae leads the way and he just follows the older back to the studio silently, the aftermath of having a panic attack still visible on his cheeks. when they get there, jae makes him sit down and opens his backpack; brian didn’t even notice he brought one with him. jae helps him take off his wet shirt and jeans and even helps him with the towel; when everything’s done and he’s changed into one of jae’s warm oversized hoodies and sweatpants jae takes a sit next to him. they sit in silence, but then jae tugs at his sleeve and gestures to his lap, brian gladly accepts the invitation and lays his head down, still facing jae. he’s afraid that if he blinks or closes his eyes jae will disappear and he’ll be back under the rain again.

“i’ll call for a taxi when you feel better. your place or mine?” jae asks in a quiet voice, fingers barely touching brian’s still wet hair.

“anywhere is fine if you’re with me.”

“then it’s yours. i’m so proud of you, my strong little fox.”

jae knows brian is not so fond of being babied and taken care of, it’s something he likes sometimes, yet right now brian doesn’t seem to mind, not even the slightest, it’s something he truly needs at the moment. jae starts singing a lullaby to calm him down and his honey-like voice really does wonders to him because soon brian starts feeling better and manages to smile at his boyfriend.

“sorry for worrying you. i’d be okay if i remained here, but i felt frozen as soon as i got out…”

“stop apologizing,” jae cuts him off. “you did amazing. thank you for calling me.”

“jae?” he asks suddenly as he sits up; jae simply hums in reply. “you trust me too, right?”

“why is that even a question?”

“please say it.”

“i do trust you, i’d trust you with my life,” jae whispers and he smiles.

“then close your eyes.”

this time jae doesn’t ask.

he gets up and hurries back to the computer, then puts on his new single and lets jae hear it for the first time. jae is all smiles when he hears it, though he frowns at the lyrics sometimes, but seems to really like the song. brian’s heart aches from the love he has for this guy, so he steps closer and leans forward, lips only inches away from jae’s.

“when i was there in the rain… i felt that the world was going to end soon. i was scared, but then i suddenly thought of your smile and it kind of brought me back. because of you i felt better. i love you so much, jae, i-”

“do you feel safe when i’m with you?” jae asks with his eyes still closed.

instead of replying he closes the gap, kissing him softly.

jae smiles into the kiss and brian feels the happiest. alive again.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday, my 🦊!  
> it's so crazy to think that this chapter actually ended up being posted today, after all the struggle i had with this one i couldn't believe it when it was finished. it's also funny, but the last scene actually made it to the fic even tho it was written just for fun long before chapter one :D  
> anyway, this one's for you!

the night doesn’t end without giving them a few more surprises.

jae wakes up with the sunrise; for the first time in years he’s had the chance to share a bed with brian he wakes up feeling cold. the thing is – you just can’t feel cold when you’re next to this man, brian’s skin is hotter than any blanket and when it’s cold outside jae doesn’t really need to wear gloves; all he needs is brian to hold his hand. today, though, jae does feel cold and at first he blames it on the blanket. his eyelids feel too heavy for his eyes to open, so he just blindly reaches for his blanket and only then realizes that he has two and that his chest is still pressed against brian’s bare back. that makes him frown and actually open his eyes because brian’s skin feels even hotter than usually yet he still can’t really feel its warmth.

he sits up and suddenly remembers that brian had his tee on when they went to bed, but he’s only in his boxers now. jae curses quietly as he finally realizes what exactly is going on: they both got sick from being under the rain for too long. it’s not a surprise, especially if he looks at the table where their phones are still pretty much dead from water, but it doesn’t make this less annoying. he shakes brian’s shoulder in order to wake him up, but the younger chooses to ignore him, too deep in his sleep. jae doesn’t give up and tries again and again but then just pinches brian’s cheek with a sigh.

this does wake him up and he hums something as he coughs, giving jae a confused look.

“congratulations, my love, we’re sick.”

brian opens his mouth to say something but coughs again and that’s the only sound jae hears even though brian’s lips are moving. when kang understands that too his eyes widen in shock and he falls back on his pillow with a very unpleased expression written on his face. jae doesn’t seem to understand the actual problem, he stares at his boyfriend for a few seconds before raising an eyebrow and saying that he can’t read lips.

“come on, bri, this isn’t the right time to play, we need to take some medicine and we should make it quick before i die.”

brian just rolls his eyes, looking very annoyed, and almost jumps out of bed to look for something. jae watches it with an equally confused look, but then brian grabs a notebook and a pen and starts writing something; that’s when it hits him and he mentally slaps himself for not realizing it earlier.

“i guess i lost my voice. how am i supposed to play a concert next week?” brian “says” desperately and jae starts chewing on his upper lip, thinking hard, but nothing comes to his mind.

“look, i have a terrible headache and i feel so weak that i’m afraid i’ll fall down if i even get out of bed… let’s take those meds and try to get more sleep. we’ll figure something later, okay?”

brian notices the way jae is shivering from cold and his face softens immediately, instead of getting more annoyed and angry he nods and soon he’s back in bed. jae snuggles closer, trying to get all the warmth he can while all brian wishes for is a really cold shower and an ice-cream. that’s ridiculous, he knows, but doesn’t getting sick make you a bit crazy?

every day brings another disaster, jae thinks to himself before he finally gets lost in the maze of weird dreams.

////

it’s challenging, but they make it work somehow – that is until jae ruins it.

they do absolutely nothing for the next two days and spend all their time in bed only leaving it to eat something that jae orders online using brian’s laptop. dowoon took their phones to get fixed, so jae also uses brian’s laptop to tell his subscribers that he hates rain and being sick and then gets back to sleep. sometimes he gets up to make brian a cup of hot tea with lemon and honey or raspberry jam; the singer is still unable to talk and was forced to cancel three radio shows scheduled for the end of the week.

“thank you,” he writes when jae brings their breakfast and hands him his tea.

jae smiles and says nothing, he gets back under the blanket and slowly chews on his sandwich. he can’t keep silent for more than two minutes, though.

“it drives me crazy,” he complains but only gets a hum in response because brian is busy eating too. “i love doing nothing and i’m used to sneezing a lot, but i totally hate this feeling when my head is that heavy. and the fact that you can’t talk now so that you can sing next week is also super unfortunate, i mean, you’re literally here next to me but we can’t even exchange a few words? hey, where are you going, you haven’t even touched your tea!”

he lets out a sigh of relief when brian comes back a few moments later after washing his hands, but then frowns. brian takes his guitar and a notebook he always uses for writing lyrics and shows jae that he’s heading to the living room.

“you should rest!” jae tries but brian cuts him off by shaking his head.

“i’ll die if i spend one more minute in bed, i need and i want to work and you can read one of your books while i’m busy, as you said, we can’t even talk to each other, so it doesn’t matter if i stay in the living room.”

he spends more than five minutes writing it, carefully choosing his words, and jae sees why, he really does: brian is sad and a bit angry, but he doesn’t want to fight with jae because of something so trivial. jae doesn’t want to fight too, he never means to but it just happens, so instead of pouting and asking for a kiss (“look at this from the bright side: we’re both sick already so we can kiss and use hot shower together whenever we want”) he gets mad – but then again, it’s a result of him being too grumpy because of his headaches.

“oh then go work!” he raises his voice and only notices it when it’s already too late to stop himself. “you’re acting as if you were the only one suffering here, as if you were stuck with me, and i don’t understand you!”

that is not true; he does understand where this is coming from and he regrets saying these words the moment brian shrugs his shoulders and leaves the room. jae groans but decides to follow brian’s advice and takes one of the books he keeps in kang’s house just in case he gets bored while he stays here (which never actually happens, but still). the plot is quite intriguing, but something doesn’t let him fully get lost in that book’s world and that something is the feeling of regret. he can hear brian playing something quietly in the living room and really wants to go apologize, but at the same time he realizes that right now he isn’t what brian needs; it’s not like he has a lot to say anyway.

he decides to order some chinese food in case brian gets hungry any time soon (that’s the best sign showing he’s getting better because at first he found it difficult to finish one plate and jae was super worried) and then gives the book another try, this time he’s more successful at that. it’s so well-written that he can’t stop turning the pages over and, of course, doesn’t hear how thirty minutes later brian quietly enters the room. he doesn’t notice it until said man places both hands on his waist and pulls him closer, until there’s a pair of lips suddenly pressed to his cheek. jae almost chokes on air when it happens and looks at brian with both curiosity and shock. brian just gives him another kiss on the cheek before settling among the pillows, making jae sit on his lap.

“i didn’t mean to-” jae wants to say, but brian presses a thumb to his lips, silently asking him to stop.

he’s not mad, not even the tiniest bit, and this can easily be seen on his face when he smiles at jae; that’s his favorite kind of a smile – the soft and happy one. he finds the answer in brian’s eyes, understands what the younger wants to say: words are no longer needed when you can feel each other. and as much as he’d like to be able to hear brian’s low voice and his stupid but harmless jokes, he is absolutely fine with just looking into his eyes, taking in all the warmth kang’s smile radiates.

“your eyes are smiling too” – he wants to say. “i love you so much” – he wants to whisper, but instead giggles like a happy child and leans forward, placing his hands on brian’s shoulders and giving them a gentle squeeze. brian just keeps smiling as if he was holding this whole galaxy in his hands (which is partly true, because jae’s eyes shine brighter than the stars at night) and jae lets himself get lost in the moment, feeling like the world has stopped just for them two. something in the back of his mind tells him that one of them will definitely sneeze or cough the very next second, but it doesn’t happen, so he leans even closer and presses a quick kiss to brian’s nose and oh, he can swear that he’d give everything up just to see this happy nose scrunch every day.

brian’s fingers find their way to jae’s freshly-dyed ice-blue hair and jae almost starts purring like a cat because of how intimate and gentle his actions are. he finds a perfect way to express his feelings too and does it without hesitation – through a kiss. brian closes his eyes and kisses him back with just as much love and adoration; jae parts his lips and lets him in, enjoying every single second, and they kiss for what feels like hours until the sound of a doorbell interrupts them. brian looks confused, but jae just smiles at him excitedly before standing up and running to the door.

“delivery!” he yells from afar, but the singer doesn’t hear that and follows him, wondering who could it be.

“you’re the youtube guy, right? jaesix?” brian hears when he steps out of the living room and sees jae talking to the delivery guy.

“yeah, never thought one day someone would recognize me. thanks for coming so quickly by the way,” jae replies with a polite smile and then closes the door, but not before the guy notices brian’s still confused expression.

“he saw us,” kang writes hurriedly, but jae doesn’t seem to be bothered. “he saw us looking like a mess from all the kissing.”

“yeah, so?” is all jae says on his way to the kitchen. “come on, i’m hungry. and if you want to kiss me some more, then drop that or else i’ll decide that you regret it.”

brian chuckles – when did he get that confident? – but obeys and follows jae to the kitchen. right, more kissing is definitely the best cure.

////

when ‘best part’ comes out, it is met with an incredible amount of support. it may not be topping the charts, but jae spends hours following the hashtag for its release and he tears up a few times at the sweet and heartfelt tweets that people keep posting. it’s just a single and these are just comments, but jae knows it well how important they are to brian’s pure hardworking soul, knows what he had to go through to get where he is right now, and his heart hurts but – oh – it’s such a beautiful pain.

“i will see you at the show, right?” brian asks for the tenth time when they finally have a minute to make a phone call.

of course, as soon as brian started to feel better he went back to work and jae got himself busy filming videos too, and today marks a week since that day they fought over nothing. brian’s concert is tomorrow and jae is more than excited to finally join the crowd, he’s tired of hiding backstage and wants to jump and sing along like every normal fan – even if he’s not just a fan. it’s been a long while since he got this opportunity and he’s almost as nervous as the singer himself is.

“watch me lining up even before the sun is up,” jae warns with a hint of a smile on his face to make brian laugh. it works.

“you literally have a vip ticket with an early access to the venue,” brian replies and jae can hear that he’s currently walking around the concert hall – the one that will soon be full of the people who sincerely love him and his music.

“i’m not sure if i should use that early access, though, maybe to give you a kiss for good luck? i’ll be like a tower among the girls, so i’ll go to the back and let them have a better view, to some of them seeing you is a big dream.”

“oh that’s my kind boyfriend,” brian teases him, but jae knows that brian thinks of it as a good decision too. “well, you can come see me before it starts, sungjin will probably attend the show too, but he’s too old for being in the crowd so i don’t think you’ll even see each other. put on your yellow hoodie so i can spot you in the crowd easily, okay?”

jae does as told, even though he feels like an overgrown version of chicken little, and arrives to the venue two hours before the show in hopes to catch dowoon and ask him about zitrone (he’s still secretly calling the puppy goldie), but for some reasons dowoon is nowhere to be found and he’s met with a very grumpy security guard who refuses to let him in. he hears how the girls behind him are whispering something about him being the most important guest today but tries to ignore them and focuses on coming up with a good reason why he deserves to be let in earlier than vip ticket holders without revealing their relationship in front of thousands of people. in the end the grumpy guy remembers hearing something about that from the manager and finally lets jae enter the building, but there’s only ten minutes left before the doors open for others, so he tries to make it quick.

it’s the same hall where brian played his previous show so it’s not that difficult for jae to find the small room where brian is probably making his last preparations for the concert. he’s ready to knock on the door when he hears someone talking and realizes that it’s sungjin’s voice and that his name is being said right there. he stops with his fist still in the air and listens closely; mother taught him that it’s a bad thing, but… some rules exist to be broken.

“so you’ll wait for a few more months before dropping this news like a bomb?” sungjin asks and jae frowns when he hears these words.

“come on, i know what i’m doing, i have everything planned already.”

“are you sure this won’t cause big trouble? cause, you know, the fans.”

“my fans are my biggest supporters. can’t you just be happy for once, without worrying about the life that isn’t even yours?” brian sounds a bit annoyed now.

“well, you could at least ask him to move in with you before… you know, before it happens.”

“there’s nothing i’d want more than this but the time hasn’t come yet, there are still things-”

jae decides he’s heard enough and hurries to the concert hall that is already full of people. so brian does hide something and this something is pretty big, he thinks as he stands next to a cute short-haired girl in a shirt that says “young k is my best part”. she seems to recognize him, well, of course she does, but says nothing and he’s thankful for that because it gives him more time to think about what just happened. in the end he just gives up and pushes these thoughts away; the lights go off and soon brian appears on stage. just looking at him makes jae gasp and take a deep breath because god damn he looks extra good today, extra hot, he would even say, in a simple white shirt and those black jeans highlighting his thighs.

he doesn’t care about practically revealing himself with his reaction and finds it difficult to close his mouth even when brian opens the concert with the main hero of the day – ‘best part’. brian doesn’t help him recover from shock because he quickly finds jae in the crowd and looks directly at him while singing the lyrics. no one notices that, but jae sees that a smirk and a wink are addressed to him and for a second regrets coming here at all – giving his boyfriend a good reason to clown him when the show is over.

‘best part’ is the first song on a very long setlist and that means jae has to suffer for two more hours; looking at brian (no, that is most definitely a young k) becomes almost impossible when a towel stops helping and the shirt sticks to his body. jae hears someone saying they came here to enjoy music, not staring at the singer (at least not like this) and he can’t agree more, he feels their pain on a spiritual level. somehow, he still manages to jump with everyone and gets the lyrics right despite being so distracted by the way brian’s fingers move and his shirt keeps sticking to his back.

when it’s time for his final ment brian makes sure to ask if they enjoyed the concert, if he was good enough and the atmosphere was nice, if they loved ‘best part’. he talks a lot about the message this song is supposed to express, tells everyone to do their best and live right now, not tomorrow or yesterday, and asks them to be as happy as possible until next time they meet – he promises it’ll be soon. he comes down to greet the fans when ‘sing me’ starts and jae is suddenly once again reminded why he loves this man so much, why he fell for him in the first place – not because of his visuals or talents, not because of how polite and nice he was to jae, but because of the passion he has for his life. everything he does always comes from his heart and he does his best wherever he is – on or off stage.

the concert leaves him broken in a good way; he forgets about the conversation he overheard before as he enters the tiny room with a wide smile on his face. brian greets him with a happy face, but jae finds it incredibly difficult to take his eyes off the still wet shirt with two buttons undone and – of course – it’s the first thing he mentions.

“you looked so freaking hot in that shirt,” he breathes out as he takes a few steps closer and reaches his hand out to touch brian’s neck.

brian wets his lips and it’s almost too much for jae to handle; but he realizes it was nothing when his back is pressed to the table and brian looks at him with a smirk that makes him feel hot all over.

“so you want me in that shirt?” it doesn’t even sound like a question, brian just _knows_.

jae feels that he can’t breathe and most definitely doesn’t have control over his voice so he just nods shyly, all the confidence suddenly gone, replaced with pink cheeks. there’s hunger in kang’s eyes and jae feels butterflies doing things in his stomach when he leans closer and leaves a wet kiss on his neck, biting white skin that was hidden by the hoodie.

“i can lock the door if you want to, you’ll just have to be quiet,” the singer whispers and that’s the last thing jae understands before his brain stops working properly.

////

“don’t you think that it’s a bit unprofessional and unfair?” he asks later, trying to put back his yellow hoodie.

his hands are still shaking and brian spends a few moments enjoying the view – jae’s hair is messy, lips swollen from kissing and there are also a few hickeys blooming purple and yellow on his skin – before replying. jae looks so innocent and tiny sitting on the table that it takes him at least ten seconds to think about what to say.

“what? dating the guy i love behind my fans’ backs?” he asks and helps jae with his hoodie, tired of watching him struggle.

“yeah,” jae breathes out and bites his lower lip for a second. “not just dating, but literally having sex right after the concert.”

“no? i don’t think that they’re that eager to know who i have sex with.”

“that’s not what i meant,” jae tries, but brian stops him with a question.

“do you? do you think that it’s unfair to date someone when your fans believe they are close to you and have a chance? you know, they actually do have a higher chance than my fans. ever seen a singer openly dating a fan?”

“that wasn’t the point,” jae says again and pouts.

“but, well, you were the one who wanted to keep our relationship in secret,” is the reply.

jae regrets asking these questions, but then brian simply kisses him on the lips and he relaxes upon hearing “don’t worry about that, love”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for yet another late update, i've been going through some personal shit and despite opening the document every night i couldn't bring myself to actually write. if you're here, please leave a few words of encouragement because i'm in desperate need of these. thank you for reading, this story is a big achievement for me <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been a while.   
> comments are highly appreciated.🙏🏻

when summer comes to its final part jae’s mom always says this phrase: “august only brings trouble”.

jae’s heard it for years now and truly believed it when he was a kid, trying to be extra careful every august. his mother was right most of the time, so why not believe what she says, especially considering the fact that he broke his nose in august, lost his grandparents in august too and also lost his phone twice – guess when – in august. this year, however, he completely forgets about this warning, too busy filming and editing videos, helping wonpil with his love-life and going to see brian perform at multiple events and shows.

////

today is a big day; now that the official promotion for ‘best part’ is over they decided the time has come to add the final touch to it, making it even more successful. brian comes earlier than expected, but jae has everything ready and almost trips over his own feet while running to the door excitedly. the singer still looks tired despite having a good sleep but a warm smile adorns his face when jae clings onto him like a koala; they haven’t seen each other for twelve hours but it somehow feels like an eternity.

“i can’t believe it’s finally happening,” jae says cheerfully and brian can’t help but kiss the crown of his hair before entering the apartment. “i’ve been dreaming about it for so long!”

“you could’ve just asked for it earlier,” brian notices.

he sees how jae’s smile slowly fades at the thought that he’s the only one excited and quickly corrects himself.

“i mean, i wanted to do something like that too, but i just didn’t know how to bring this up, you know your channel better, after all, so i just…”

“communication is the key for everything,” jae points out and brian feels a bit guilty. “but it’s whatever, i’m just happy we’re finally doing it.”

“i haven’t done anything like that before so you’ll have to explain me how it works,” kang says, letting jae understand that he’s fully in charge of everything today, as he takes a sit in front of the two cameras.

“there’s nothing to explain, i’ve already sent out a tweet, we just have to pick some questions and be ourselves, i’ll do the rest later.”

jae smiles at him and ruffles his hair; brian catches his wrist and presses a loving kiss on jae’s warm milky skin making him giggle. he then takes out his phone just to check that jae really did send a tweet using the “jaehyungparkian” name their fans came up with and looks through some of the suggested questions before retweeting it.

“they’re so creative,” he says, referring to the questions he’s just seen. “someone asked me what type of a tree i would be.”

“i bet it’s one of my subscribers, they’re on a whole different level when it comes to such things,” jae laughs and brian can’t agree more. “so, how about we film an introduction first?”

“wait, but shouldn’t we pick the questions before we start?” brian asks, puzzled.

“you don’t have to film everything right away,” jae says and he sounds surprised. “we’ll do the introduction and then move on to the actual thing.”

“oh… okay.”

brian feels stupid and awkward, but then jae sits right next to him, their legs and elbows touching, and it suddenly doesn’t matter anymore. jae is all smiles when he starts talking on camera and brian follows him, still not quite believing that this video will really be uploaded on jae’s channel, that it’s the first time their fans can actually see them together. it’ll probably feed their shippers really well, he thinks to himself, especially because jae keeps “accidentally” touching his thigh and calling them “jaehyungparkian”.

“how do you feel about appearing on jaesix?” jae asks suddenly and it kind of wakes him up.

“well, you paid enough for me to be happy,” he replies and laughs at jae’s confused expression. “i was just joking, but i meant the ‘happy’ part. it’s an honor, maybe even a blessing, and i hope your subscribers won’t be disappointed in me when the video is up.”

“i’ve been dying to finally meet youngk and have him as a guest on my channel,” jae admits, lying shamelessly about meeting him for the first time. “it doesn’t feel real yet, so i asked you guys to send some questions and, trust me, we’ll pick the best ones...”

“maybe you should film a solo introduction later?” brian suggests quietly when jae trails off and just stares at the camera not knowing what to add. “you seem really tensed, that’s not your usual bubbly self.”

“damn, was it that obvious?” jae sighs and looks upset all of a sudden.

“maybe it’s just that i can read you well, but yeah… we’re here to have fun, remember?”

“i’m just worried because this video is so important and we have to make everything perfect,” jae replies as he leans on brian’s shoulder and closes his eyes.

“you said it yourself, we just have to act like we always do. it should be real, besides, you can always edit some things out later.”

“right,” he agrees with a small smile on his lips. “let’s pick five questions for each other and then pick the rest while filming, okay?”

brian just hums something instead of replying and they go quiet, too focused on looking through the questions under the tag, trying to fulfill the promise and pick the most interesting ones. once or twice brian notices how jae flushes at something and he can’t help but chuckle, mostly because he didn’t expect jae to be so shy after almost revealing their relationship at least three times. it’s understandable, though, because the amount of personal (and sometimes – way too personal) questions is huge. an idea suddenly comes to his mind, but he decides to keep it to himself just to surprise jae a bit more and have a copy of this video with them being real, not “acting real”.

“first question for jae,” he begins confidently when they finally get back to filming. “what’s your favorite song from youngk?”

“oh wow, i wasn’t expecting you to pick such a difficult one!” jae admits and becomes serious for a few seconds. “umm, i guess if i really had to pick just one song i’d go with ‘when you love someone’ because of the lyrics. it’s a song that you should listen to after having a long tiring day, the whole atmosphere reminds me of a… i don’t know, warm embrace? like someone’s holding you close and whispering that you’ve done a good job. yeah, that kind of thing.”

“that was deep,” brian says and he truly means it.

to be honest, he was really looking forward to hearing what jae has to say about this one since they’ve never discussed it. sure, they did talk about his songs and he could see how much jae loved them by countless covers he uploaded on his channel, but they never talked about favorite songs. maybe it’s because there’s no such thing as a favorite song when it comes to your boyfriend, but still – he’s extremely glad to know that ‘when you love someone’, being one of the most underrated songs of his, found its way to jae’s heart.

“okay, since we’re taking turns now it’s a question for you. originally it was supposed to be a q&a with youngk, but we never seem to follow the plan, huh? what attracts you the most in people when you first see them? and, it fits the question so i’ll add it here, first impression on jae?”

“it’s a smile if we talk about looks and passion if it’s about personality. and, let me be honest here, when i first saw jae i thought he was really clumsy, but handsome.”

when jae looks at him with his mouth open in surprise brian starts laughing, but explains his point.

“you keep saying you’re ugly, so i wanted to emphasize that you’re not,” he shrugs and jae just rolls his eyes. “what time of the day is the most productive for you?”

“when everyone’s asleep, mostly after midnight. if it wasn’t for music, what would you do?” jae asks even though he knows the answer well enough.

“i’d go to university and study business administration or something like that. what are your fears?”

“uh, can we please skip this one? i don’t want someone to use it against me,” jae laughs, trying to hide his nervousness, but brian feels that he meant what he said.

“okay then, what are your preferences in boys or girls, your ideal type?” he asks, wiggling his eyebrows and jae wishes he could hit him with something heavy right now.

“my ideal type sits right next to me,” he says as he winks at the younger and he’s not even planning to edit it out. “as you can see, i’m not very picky.”

“ouch, it hurt,” brian touches his heart and pretends to be offended, but jae just laughs.

“what was the weirdest hair color you’ve tried?”

“uhh dark blue? it’s not weird, i just don’t think it looked good on me. is there something you’d like to change about yourself?”

“my eyes, they’re too small,” jae replies quickly and hurries to ask something before brian begins to protest. “would you go out on a date with jae?”

“sure,” brian says without even thinking about it, but then adds “we could go to a haunted house and film another jaesix episode there, just jae screaming and me laughing, isn’t it a perfect date?”

jae smacks him on the shoulder and pouts. brian wishes he could kiss it away right now.

“an advice you would give to those who’re just starting to write lyrics?”

“just be yourself and only write about things you can relate to. if you can’t feel what you’re singing then it’s not worth it. i’ve had to learn it the hard way, my first attempts weren’t sincere and even if it sounded good it wasn’t really a song.”

“same with covers,” jae adds quietly before taking his phone and scrolling through the new questions. “alright, let’s move on to the questions addressed to both of us. who has bigger hands? i’ve got longer fingers but i guess brian’s hands in general are bigger.”

“shall we compare?” brian suggests and jae gulps but still lifts his hand in front of the camera.

they’ve done it quite often in the past and the feeling of brian’s hand against his is familiar, it’s something he’s used to, but doing it on camera, even for fun, sends goosebumps down his spine and the tips of his ears get pink. brian notices that and there’s a satisfied smirk on his face but he says nothing and soon they’re both looking for more interesting questions again.

“have you ever talked through dms on twitter?” brian reads and frowns, looking at jae for a reply. “have we?”

“i don’t think we have,” jae says slowly, but he’s not sure about that too. “are you guys close? well, i’m probably his biggest fan and i’m also allowed to call him by his real name…”

at that he trails off, letting the viewers decide what level of “close” that is. he knows this video is already dangerously close to being considered as a coming out for one of them or serve as an unofficial, but very accurate statement about their relationship, but he feels that he doesn’t care anymore. brian was right when he said they should let go of their worries and just be themselves, even though some questions are so personal that they make him blush.

“have you ever thought about kissing jae?” brian says suddenly and jae gasps when the younger cups his cheeks, looking at him with a loving smile. “i’m actually thinking about it right now.”

jae feels that his whole body starts trembling and expects brian to look away and laugh, saying that it was a joke, but he doesn’t. instead he leans even closer, his voice barely a whisper when he asks jae to trust him, and captures his lips in a slow kiss. jae’s eyes still widen in shock, but his hands automatically find their way to brian’s shoulders and soon he relaxes in brian’s arms, kissing him back with just as much love. when they pull away he’s about to smack brian’s shoulder again but the singer is quick to catch his wrists and pull him in for another kiss.

“maybe one day we’ll let them see this,” kang says with a wink when he gets back to twitter, jae still pouting at him.

“those questions are ridiculous,” jae can’t stay mad for long, especially when he refreshes the tag and reads the tweets. “i can’t believe someone has the courage to ask these things, even if it’s just for fun!”

“huh? what is it?”

“oh, listen, that’s the question: jae, how do you think, is youngk good… in bed? what am i supposed to say?”

“that is actually a good one,” brian laughs at jae’s confused expression. “not for the video, just in general. i’d like to know your opinion.”

“am i not vocal enough?” jae suddenly sounds both offended and shy because they both know how extremely vocal he can get when he’s feeling especially good.

“you are, but it’s still nice to hear those things, you know, every once in a while.”

“well, i’d say you’re kinda good, but i doubt they’ll ever get the chance to experience that, so why’d even ask,” jae mumbles, flushing adorably.

“we could actually try it right now and give them an honest answer- wait, did i mishear that? only ‘kinda good’?”

“i guess?” jae replies innocently, but there’s a mischievous smile on his lips.

“is that a challenge or..?” brian trails off and suddenly pulls jae in by the hips, making him sit on his lap.

two cameras stand there forgotten by both of them, capturing something that no one is supposed to see, something that is meant to stay just between them two. _brian: 1, jae: 0._

“shouldn’t we turn them off first?” jae remembers when brian pecks his lips softly, not implying anything more.

“that’d be a great footage, but i was joking and just wanted to cuddle,” the younger admits, earning a quick kiss on the cheek as jae settles comfortably on his lap and places his head on brian’s shoulder.

“you’re so warm and comfortable,” he murmurs against the fabric of his shirt. “will you stay for the night?”

“of course.”

“do you really have to disappear for a whole month?” jae sighs, but it’s not really a question.

he knows that brian needs to focus on working on his album, knows talking to him or anyone else distracts brian from work, but he still can’t understand the need to turn off his phone and basically move to the studio. he doesn’t argue, though, because it’s a part of his creative process and who is jae to interrupt that, but at the same he kind of already misses brian’s hands, lips, voice, everything about him. it feels like his boyfriend is leaving on tour again (and that is bound to happen some time soon too).

“i promise i’ll take care of myself and that i’ll call you once in a few days. it’s the only way for me to get everything done by the end of november.”

“how many songs are you planning to release?”

“just six this time and one of them is already out,” brian replies with a smile as he start humming ‘best part’.

“you know what… i’m still not sure how i’d reply to that question,” he begins, enjoying how brian’s face goes from confusion to a wide grin.

_brian: 1, jae: 1._

////

two weeks pass by in a blur, jae doesn’t even notice how each day is suddenly replaced with another one, how moon comes after sun, and one day he just wakes up to the last week of summer. it feels odd because just yesterday he celebrated new year with brian and a few of their friends and now it’s almost september. so many things happened in this period of time yet nothing really changed: he still can’t get up when his alarm goes off and goes through the same morning routine as usually.

one thing is different today, though, because instead of fixing something that could count as breakfast he opens his laptop right after brushing the teeth. he rewatches the video of him and brian once again just to make sure he’s not uploading the wrong, unedited version he decided to keep just for himself, and then finally uploads it on his channel, not forgetting to post a tweet about it as well. it took him three days to pick a fitting introduction and ending since they couldn’t really film anything together, to edit some parts out and to rewatch it at least twelve times after that. there’s a satisfied smile on his face when he sees people going crazy right after his tweet; he’s proud of this one, that’s for sure.

he receives a skype call from his mother and spends almost two hours talking to her; it’s been a while since they met and he hangs up with a promise to visit them soon, this time hoping to catch dad at home too. jae then opens twitter and gets ready to read some funny theories about “jaehyungparkian” or save a few fanarts (how are these people so talented?), but instead sees brian’s stage name trending and rushes to take a look at what happened. it’s been five days since he’s heard from brian, so any news looks scary for him.

when he sees what this thing is about he forgets how to breathe for a moment and feels his heart drop somewhere on the floor. all headlines are the same, it’s either “rumor: youngk is dating a young singer baek ayeon” or “not confirmed: youngk and ayeon spotted together twice this week”, so he clicks on the first article, now ignoring all the notifications that twitter keeps sending.

_“singer brian kang, also known as youngk, is currently working on his new album and his fans were definitely not expecting to see him walking around with a girl so openly. though it is not officially announced yet, it might be a collaboration of these two singers, but it is also rumored to be a beginning of a new relationship since both youngk and baek aeyon seem to be single. aeyon’s agency, however, denies all the rumors and states that they need more time to find out what caused them. youngk’s agency hasn’t released an official statement yet.”_

jae finishes reading the article with mixed feelings. of course, he trusts brian enough to not believe any of these words; they probably only met to discuss something related to the album and no one even said it has to be brian’s album, maybe that ayeon is working on something too. he knows brian would never treat him this way, kang would explain himself and… would he kiss jae with so much love, would he hold jae close at night and not let him go in the morning when they both had things to do if he didn’t want him anymore? he wouldn’t do this to jae, would he..?

he thinks of how even brian’s eyes smile every time he looks at jae, how he rushed to the hospital after finding out about the car crash, how truly in love he looks and decides to simply call brian and hear him out before he gets too stressed over nothing. but, of course, brian doesn’t pick up, probably too busy writing or recording or… no, he doesn’t even want to imagine it. his thoughts, however, go back to the concert day and that overheard conversation – is it the news sungjin was talking about? maybe brian really planned to keep distant at first and then tell him he found someone better? jae feels all of his old fears come back to him, feels scared of being not enough, of not being the one for brian whom he loves so dearly.

there’s one more thing, jae suddenly remembers, and it’s the “serious thing” brian discussed with his mother a few months ago. he is about to call her when he receives a new message and an idea comes to his mind.

beauty princess (12:24 pm.)

_link: “youngk and ayeon spotted holding hands?”_

_what the fuck is that_

jae (12:25 pm.)

_i wish i knew_

_i have no idea and brian’s phone is turned off_

beauty princess (12:27 pm.)

_shall i ask dowoon?_

jae (12:28 pm.)

_no, just drop that_

_these are just rumors, he’ll explain it later_

_her agency has denied all the rumors anyway_

beauty princess (12: 30 pm.)

_well would you admit you were dating if you were caught?_

jae (12:31 pm.)

_i would_

_we talked about it a lot_

_maybe not in the beginning_

_oh crap you have a point here_

_i really don’t know what to do or to think, let’s just wait for brian to explain himself, i don’t want to jump to conclusions before hearing him out_

_but i’m so scared x.x_

beauty princess (12:33 pm.)

_is there anything i can do?_

_maybe you should sleep it away?_

jae (12:35 pm.)

_can you please find out what they have planned with my mom_

_she said it’s a secret but i’m not sure i want to hear it from him now_

_it’s so complicated_

_this is just a rumor, but it triggered everything i’ve been trying to fight with and i know i shouldn’t be mad over nothing, but i am??_

beauty princess (12:39 pm.)

_that’s because you’re afraid of losing him_

_oh jae i really wish i could do something to make you see how precious you are;;-;_

_i’ll play a fairy pil to make your mom share their secret with me, you can count on me_

_take a nap_

_if these rumors turn out to be true i’ll ask dowoon to poison brian_

jae (12:43 pm.)

_no don’t_

_i love him_

_a lot_

_he deserves to be happy and if it’s not with me, well_

_anyway, thank you <3 _

jae follows the advice and goes to bed, but he spends almost an hour just tossing and turning because his mind is full of very unpleasant and stupid thoughts; he wants to slap himself for that, but you can’t just order your brain to stop, especially when it’s already triggered by some events. in the end he does fall asleep, but the nap is short and he wakes up to three missed calls from brian, some messages from him and wonpil and the articles officially denying the rumors.

he opens a chat with wonpil first.

beauty princess (15:04 pm.)

_jae i’m very sorry but this secret is so big that even i will keep my mouth shut_

_but please believe me_

_he’s still the best man for you, you can trust him_

jae sighs and his expression darkens when he sees that wonpil is not going to tell him what the hell is happening, but knows he can’t do anything about it so he just leaves wonpil on read and takes a deep breath before opening his chat with brian. he’s not mad anymore and he is sure now that it was just some false information, yet there’s still something that makes him feel that he doesn’t want to talk to brian, doesn’t want to hear from him just yet. he’s not ready and he hates himself for being jealous when there’s barely a reason for it.

fox <3 (15:02 pm.)

_please pick up_

_you know it’s not true, right?_

_i would never do something like that to you_

_i love you_

_it’s just a misunderstanding_

_and we never held hands, i have no idea where they’d get this information_

_i was about to ask you to sing with me on one of the songs_

_will you please_ _give me another chance?_

_jae, please,,,,_

_say something_

jae (15:37 pm.)

_you haven’t done anything, why’d you need a second chance_

_it’s ok, i understand that whenever media sees a famous person with someone they start planning a marriage right away_

_i just need some time to get over it_

_why don’t you sing with that ayeon? she must have a nice voice_

fox <3 (15:39 pm.)

_i swear she asked me to feature on her upcoming album and it’s nothing more_

_i understand that you need time, i’ll send you the lyrics in case you change your mind_

_i will be waiting for your decision, but it’d mean a lot to me_

_i love you and i want everyone to know about it, one way or another_

_[file: ‘you’]_

when jae opens the file and sees the title his heart starts beating faster and he feels his eyes starting to water. the lyrics are most likely about the very beginning of their relationship and he lets himself cry quietly when he sees the phrase “everything is tinted with you”.

he doesn’t reply to brian that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just like in this chapter, summer is coming to its end and for me it means coming back to university. there's not so many chapters left for this work, maybe about five or six, i'm not sure yet, and i'll try to post one more till august ends, but i can't promise a fast update when september comes around and swallows me whole. anyway, i'm not planning to forget about this one and will do my best to update it whenever i can. sorry it took me this long, that personal shit has been killing me, hope you enjoyed the chapter and please leave comments,,,


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday to our fluff ball woonie <3  
> this chapter is as soft as he is, tho he's not even appearing here :D  
> i swear i felt my life turning into cotton candy while i was writing it

eventually, jae does agree to sing the song.

they don’t talk about the rumors anymore: jae has already apologized for being so doubtful and jealous and brian didn’t seem to be hurt, not even the slightest. instead, he kept apologizing too and they just spent a good half an hour bickering about who’s right in this situation. but the feeling of guilt is still biting jae every now and then, so he feels nervous and unsure when brian invites him to the studio to give the song a try. he’s already memorized the guide version brian had sent him earlier, but now that the moment has come for him to enter the studio and showcase his vocals he stands awkwardly by the door, not knowing where to find courage to simply lift his hand up in the air and knock. the help comes out of nowhere as the door opens and brian looks at him with a tired, yet the same warm smile he always gives jae.

“you’ve been staring at this poor door for, like, fifteen minutes,” he says and invites jae inside. “did something happen?”

“no, it’s nothing,” jae lies through his teeth. he doesn’t want to admit this weakness. “how did you know?”

“i saw wonpil’s car and then you just disappeared after entering the building. quite suspicious, you know.”

jae nods and follows brian to a small worn-out sofa that has definitely seen a lot, but doesn’t sit down until brian sighs and takes his hand, gently making him do so. jae bites on his lower lip, unsure of what to say or do, but brian waits, lets him take his time. he’s still as understanding as ever and jae doesn’t even notice how these thoughts lead him to breaking down in front of his boyfriend. his mind tells him that he doesn’t deserve to be loved by someone this caring, this perfect, and that he’ll only bring him pain in the future and maybe even ruin his life.

he doesn’t cry often, especially if compared to wonpil, but mother always taught him that crying isn’t bad if you feel like you need it, if you have something bottled up for a long time. so he does cry, wordlessly revealing everything that’s been eating him alive ever since he saw the rumors about brian dating someone else, someone who’s not him, and brian lets him do so, doesn’t try to stop him and only pulls him closer, making jae lean on his strong shoulder and breathe in the calming scent of his body. they spend a few minutes like this: just brian playing with jae’s already fading blue hair and jae sobbing quietly. brian knows all of jae’s fears and doubts, knows when and how to reassure him and make him feel better, and it might be one of the reasons why jae always feels so calm and relaxed next to him; he knows brian won’t hurt him and won’t let anyone else do him any harm as well.

“shh, baby, it’s alright,” the younger whispers and only holds him closer when jae shakes his head and buries his nose deeper in the hollow of brian’s neck.

“i don’t know what’s going on with me, i’m just so afraid of losing you,” jae manages to mumble in between of his sobs.

“i can promise you it won’t ever happen because i’ve already found my love and it’s you. in fact, i would love to spend the rest of my life just holding you in my arms if i could.”

brian’s voice is soothing and he’s nothing if not in love with him, so jae calms down after some time, but some stray tears are still streaming down his cheeks and brian frowns at the sight. he presses a gentle kiss on the top of his head before slowly, carefully tilting his chin up, making jae look at him.

“hey, you remember the last cover you posted, right?” brian asks in a quiet voice.

“j-just the way you are,” jae hiccups and he can’t hold back a weak smile when brian starts singing it.

“and when you smile the whole world stops and stares for a while, cause you’re amazing just the way you are,” he boops jae’s nose when he sings the last phrase. “i’m sorry i forgot to remind you that.”

“you’re seriously something out of this world,” jae says, looking at him fondly. brian just chuckles.

“i’m glad it worked. by the way, are you aware of our latest news?” he asks and grins when jae shakes his head. “dowoon tried to ask wonpil out. keyword ‘tried’ because he got really shy and started rambling. when wonpil asked him what was it about he just said something about his puppy.”

“wonpil didn’t mention this,” jae laughs and brian can’t help but laugh along.

“of course he didn’t, dowoon didn’t repeat his words, so wonpil knows pretty much nothing about that. let me bring you a cup of green tea before we try singing together, you look a lot like you need it.”

with that brian stands up and moves to where the kettle stands and jae suddenly starts feeling sad and lonely again. god damn, he is so whipped and addicted to brian’s warmth and smile that it probably can’t be helped. thankfully, the singer comes back to the sofa soon enough and hands him his tea with two chocolate cookies, but jae is more interested in getting back into his warm embrace and doesn’t even notice brian’s teasing about it. instead, he focuses on the cookies and wonders why’d brian even keep them here in the first place, or, more like, how did those cookies survive to see today.

“i may have a bottomless stomach, but i only eat those when i’m in despair,” brian replies and laughs when jae stops chewing and looks at him in confusion. “yes, you said it out loud.”

“how’s your album?” jae tries to change the topic.

“surprisingly good!” brian’s face lights up with a smile at the question. “yesterday we talked with the producer and i think i’m ready to record two songs next week. oh, wait, next week is busy with other stuff, so the week after that. whatever, i can’t believe that i managed to get two songs down in such a short period of time.”

“what do you have planned for next week?”

“your birthday, obviously,” is the reply and jae almost chokes on his tea.

“i’m not celebrating,” he protests.

“i’m not saying you should have a big party, but i have something in mind and i thought you’d like it, so…” brian trails off and jae just rolls his eyes.

“you’re so full of surprises. shoot.”

“i was going to suggest renting a house near a beach for a few days. your birthday falls on saturday, so why don’t we rent it for a weekend? we could spend friday together and invite some of your friends for the rest of the weekend.”

jae thinks it over for a few moments and decides that he pretty much loves everything about this idea; after all, he can’t say no to brian, especially if it has to do with going to the beach. he nods and gets a smile in return, but that suddenly makes him feel suspicious and he narrows his eyes, giving brian a judging look.

“you really have it all planned, don’t you?”

“guilty as charged,” he admits, but doesn’t stop smiling. “it’s nothing big, i swear, and i mostly planned things just for us. the guys had their own ideas, but i told them to ask you first.”

“the guys?”

“wonpil, jamie, sammy, matt, dowoon too. they all want you to have a great birthday and, well, they also want to hang out with you because you’ve been pretty distant lately, as they said. but they just want to play some volleyball and celebrate with barbeque, jimin also suggested burying your face deep in a cake with chicken little on it, but i said it was a stupid idea. i think she’s unstoppable, though, so you better get ready for some stuff that i’m not aware of.”

“and you’re only telling me about it now?”

jae pretends to be mad and offended, but he knows it doesn’t work because there’s a stupid wide smile plastered to his face and he can’t do anything about it even if he wanted to. just this thought alone, the fact that his friends truly want him to have a happy birthday, is already enough for him to feel the happiest. add the fact that brian is the one behind this party and it gets even better, so, yes, jae can’t be mad even if he doesn’t like surprises and parties.

“there wasn’t much time to talk about it, besides, they all wanted to keep it a surprise,” brian admits with his cheeks turning a slightly pink shade.

“it’s alright, i’m up for it,” he assures his boyfriend with a kiss on his cheek – it’s too adorable to resist.

brian beams at that and starts talking about how wonderful that house looks in the pictures, not even noticing that he was supposed to act like there’s still the need to find and rent one. jae listens to him with a smile and he doesn’t mention that the description sounds so much like the place he wanted to visit one day when they’re both free. brian says that it’s perfect for stargazing and makes jae blush when he compares him to a very bright star too.

“stars are lonely and cold,” jae manages to say despite being really flustered.

“but they’re beautiful,” is the reply and jae can’t argue with that. “maybe if you were to reunite with them, you’d become cold too, but i’m never letting you go.”

“oh come on,” jae tries to act playful and hits brian’s shoulder as if saying that it’s lame, but, strangely enough, he actually likes it.

he always loved looking at the stars and used to imagine what kind of life they have up there when he was younger. of course, studying physics at school did its thing and ruined his childhood illusions, but it could never kill his curiosity and bright imagination. he may not truly believe that the stars are alive anymore, but he still likes the concept of them being someone human or animal-like in the past. being compared to a star brings mixed feelings because, on the one hand, he’s not really fond of being associated with something that is so far, something that doesn’t give a damn about others’ lives, but on the other hand, being a star means a possibility of guiding brian through all the difficulties and pain, from struggles and sadness to happiness, not letting him fade away in the darkness that may be swallowing him sometimes. in that case, yes, he doesn’t mind being a star. though maybe he would like being a firefly more, but he doesn’t say it. a star is fine too, stars are beautiful.

“you said it out loud again,” brian notices softly as he laughs and it makes jae want to hide his face in his palms, but he stays strong and simply laughs along.

“i guess i can’t really control myself today,” he admits with a small smile. “it’s been a while since we went stargazing together.”

it’s been more than just a while, actually, because it was one of their first dates and they never seemed to find the time to do it again later. it was the evening when brian got brave enough to hold his hand and lace their fingers together for the first time and jae still remembers it clearly. that memory brings a few more – their first kiss, the first time brian got him flowers and had to hurriedly hand the bouquet to an old lady that was passing by because jae started sneezing like crazy, the first time they shared one bed and jae couldn’t sleep at first, both because of being too fond of how cute sleeping brian looked and because his skin was unusually hot for him to fall asleep.

he also remembers how at first he wasn’t sure if brian was being all sincere with him and wasn’t going to play with him for a few nights and leave, how he ignored his messages and got late to their dates just to see if he gets worried, jealous or mad. surprisingly, brian was only jealous that one time when jamie gave him a kiss on the cheek and he never got mad at him. but he always worried about him and that was one of the million reasons that made jae give him his heart, soul and body. brian always treated him like the most precious and important person in the world, always knew that he was both fragile and strong, and he was always there.

“that’s a perfect chance to do it again,” brian agrees after some time. seems like he’s been thinking about something too. “i actually… have a small confession to make.”

“huh?”

“you guessed it right, i wrote the lyrics for ‘you’ based on our relationship, when you pretended to be so independent and cool, but originally it wasn’t written it for this album. you can see it in the style of these lyrics, it’s totally different from what i write now.”

“okay, but how is that important?” jae asks, puzzled.

“i wrote it long ago and i tried to sing it alone, but something was off no matter how much i tried to change the style of singing. i didn’t correct anything in the lyrics now, but i finally realized what exactly was missing. your voice.”

“and here you go again,” jae pouts when his cheeks get pink.

“i just wanted to let you know that this song is not only dedicated to you, but it is meant for you,” brian says quietly and he feels a sudden urge to kiss him.

he then finally sees what the singer was implying here.

“no way,” he mumbles, suddenly shy, but mostly scared.

“i’m planning to hold a concert ahead of the release when people won’t know you sang with me yet. let’s make it a surprise and let them guess, let them get all crazy,” kang suggests and even if jae senses that there’s something else behind this he doesn’t push.

he has to admit that it is a pretty good idea.

“people in the comments were so supportive of our collab. i only saw a few who seemed disgusted to see us ‘act so gay’, others didn’t mind. in fact, they were begging for you to get me to sing with you on stage on day. don’t look at me like that, i read all the comments to be updated on the fandom situation.”

brian wants to laugh at how serious the last sentence sounds, but catches himself right on time. he knows jae wouldn’t appreciate it.

“will you sing with me at the show?” he asks instead and he looks so lost at the moment that this time jae doesn’t resist the urge to kiss him. “that was a yes, right?”

“of course i will.”

“thank you for supporting my choice,” brian says with a smile, but jae knows he means more than that.

after that, when all the talking is done, they finally get to practicing the song. it’s been a few days since jae actually sang anything, so his voice sounds a bit off at first and he keeps missing some notes. brian, however, doesn’t yell at him like he would probably do with himself, instead he just rewinds the song back to the beginning and they start it over and over again. singing together with brian is surprisingly easy, their voices fit together like a perfect match and somehow sound like a nice mixture of honey and dark chocolate. when jae listens to the recording brian insisted on making, he thinks that it’s already so captivating and fresh, that his voice really fits the song like it was meant to be there from the very beginning and once again realizes how proud of brian he is.

when it comes to music, brian is a professional, he’s like a surgeon who can never get distracted, he remains focused and collected no matter what happens and jae just has to follow him in whatever he does because at that moment he understands that musically he is nothing compared to this man. he might be singing and finding his own resting place in that, he might be enjoying that and playing guitar, but with brian it’s a whole different thing – brian lives through music and that can’t be taken away or taken for granted. music is something that makes him who he is and jae is still surprised how brian always points out that there is no right or second choice when it comes to him and music. that is understandable, though, because the amount of love brian has for him is possibly as big as the love and passion he has for music.

when it comes to brian’s rap part jae feels himself completely blown away. he thinks of himself as an ordinary fan standing next to a living legend and finds it so difficult to breathe that he almost misses his time to sing. later brian says he did a great job but jae doesn’t believe him, considering how many times he messed up during the rehearsal.

“don’t be too hard on yourself,” kang notices wisely and pecks his lips softly. “a few more days and it’ll be so good that everyone at the show will be amazed. there’s still time left before we start recording, so don’t get too sad, i meant it when i said you did a good job.”

“you’re a lot better.”

“singing is something i do on a daily basis, it’s not only my hobby, my passion, it’s my job. i’m responsible for what i do because people support me with their money and give me their time, love and support. they love the imperfect me and all i can do in return is to gradually become better at what i do. but i totally suck in making videos!”

“alright, alright,” jae gives up eventually. “it is a great experience anyway.”

“that’s more like it. and now it’s time for me to get back to work.”

“already? oh, it’s been four hours… it wasn’t supposed to take this long, i’m sorry.”

brian gives him a look and he immediately shuts up.

“to the beach we go?” jae whispers when they bid their goodbyes; he finds it too difficult to stop hugging brian.

“to the beach we go,” brian confirms and leans in to kiss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed this one as much as i enjoyed writing it, i rarely like what i write, but this chapter has somehow earned a place in the corner of my heart.
> 
> as always, comments are my biggest motivation <3


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the longest chapter so far and the last one for a while nowㅜㅜ i hope you enjoy it and will please wait for me to come back once i get used to uni routine again. have a good beginning of autumn <3
> 
> remember that it is all pure fiction, so, of course, i don't see these characters like this in reality. for anyone who might get confused, matt is bm from kard and sam is woosung from the rose!

and to the beach they go.

brian insists that he stays for the night and jae, being totally clueless, of course lets him do so. what he doesn’t expect, though, is brian’s alarm to go off at seven in the morning and kang literally dragging him out of bed. at first he doesn’t understand what’s going on and just stares at the younger, blinkblinking sleepily, but then it finally clicks in his mind and he starts quickly packing for the weekend while brian makes them both coffee.

“thank you,” he mumbles and only then notices that brian brought his acoustic guitar too. “what’s that for?”

“were you really going to bring just one guitar for at least four people who can play it?” brian asks back and jae thinks he has a point here.

coffee doesn’t really help, but being next to brian in his car with windows rolled down and his own playlist on does, so fifteen minutes through the ride jae finds himself more energetic and starts singing along to every song that comes on shuffle. brian smiles at that and soon joins him in singing panic at the disco’s new song, all the worries and problems suddenly left behind and almost forgotten. the mood changes a few times since jae’s playlist is full of different songs from ed sheeran’s ‘perfect’ to system of a down’s ‘toxicity’ and after that song they both give up and just sit silently, catching their breath.

“you can’t not sing this one,” jae says when another song starts playing in the background. “come on, bri, that’s blink-182, where is your respect!”

“sing it yourself, babe, there’s no blink-182 anymore for me,” brian replies and jae lightly hits him with his elbow. “ouch!”

“the group might be ruined, but their legacy is not, that album will forever remain iconic,” jae pouts as he goes back to singing along; brian just laughs and doesn’t argue.

the ride takes them a few more hours and soon jae gets tired, the sleepiness coming back and making it difficult for him to resist dozing off. he falls asleep halfway through maroon 5’s ‘she will be loved’ and brian doesn’t have the heart to wake him up until they arrive to the destination. even then he waits for a few more minutes before carefully shaking jae’s shoulder and quietly asking him to get up. when jae opens his eyes he starts blinking fast again, but this time it’s because he can’t understand where they are and what day it is. brian thinks it’s super cute, but doesn’t say it out loud and instead offers his hand for jae to hold.

“that’s our house for this weekend,” he begins when they come closer to it. “i was hoping to find something closer to the beach, but it’s not so bad too, just fifteen minutes on foot-”

“woah,” jae cuts him off with a whisper. “it’s perfect, bri.”

“shall we go inside then?” brian suggests, still feeling nervous.

jae nods and follows him into the house, where another surprise is waiting for him. inside the house is big enough to fit all of their friends and there would still be some space left and the window in their bedroom has a clear view of the beach, which leaves jae totally speechless. scratch that, he thinks as they go around the house, discussing who will sleep where, the house is not just big, it’s freaking huge. for a few seconds he wonders how much did it cost, suddenly feeling a tiniest bit guilty, but then brian, as if capable of reading his mind, gives him a kiss on the forehead and so he relaxes.

“are you hungry?” the blonde asks once they enter the kitchen. “i can make us something real quick if you want to.”

“nah, not yet,” jae shakes his head, but he’s curious about today’s menu. “but what are we going to eat today?”

“how does fried chicken with rice sound? and pancakes?”

“if it’s something from chef kang then i’m all up for it,” he can’t help but giggle when brian’s cheeks turn pink.

“alright then,” brian says, placing both hands on jae’s waist and pulling him closer. “i need you to turn off your phone now.”

“is that an order?”

“you could say that,” he confirms after a few seconds of thinking. “you see, this little vacation is supposed to be a healing time for you, so the more distraction from the world you get, the better.”

brian watches with a satisfied smile how jae fishes his phone out of the pocket, turns it off and puts on the table.

“now what?”

“and now it’s time for a race to the beach!” brian announces with a loud laugh.

“hey! this is not-”

jae wants to say that it is unfair to put him in a situation like this when he has no choice, but brian is already gone, only a tiny whirl of dust left behind him. and so jae accepts the game, follows whatever rules brian has set and planned for them, and starts running too. it’s a lot more difficult than he expected it to be, though; it’s not that he’s bad at running, it’s just that brian’s had a head start and is definitely not planning to stop. jae wants to win in this so bad, especially after hearing brian scream “catch me if you can”, that he doesn’t slow down even when the road is suddenly over and replaced with sand, so eventually he trips over his own shoes and falls on his knees. it doesn’t hurt, because the sand is mercifully soft and warm, but he feels so tired and lazy that instead of getting up he yells for brian to stop and starts making grabby hands when the younger comes back to him.

“i don’t care if i lost, but i’m tired, so carry me,” he whines, knowing it oh so well that brian won’t be able to resist it.

“you’re such a baby,” kang sighs, but still lets jae get on his back and soon they finally reach the beach.

“the ocean is so calm today,” jae whispers in amazement and brian can’t help but agree.

“yeah, it’s perfect,” he says as he starts unbuttoning his shirt.

“you’re not going to swim there, are you?” jae asks, giving him a confused look, but brian just winks and takes off his pants too. “wait, do you at least know that it’s the middle of september and water must have already gone cold?”

“i lived in canada for a few years, so i don’t think there’s anything in this country that i would consider ‘cold’. if we were in russia, then yeah, i would think before running into the water, especially in siberia, but…”

he doesn’t finish, instead drops his clothes right on the sand and does run into the water, laughing when jae’s face gets pale at the sight. he starts swimming, waving his hands happily, and doesn’t seem to be bothered by the ocean’s cold water at all. jae guesses it’s because he feels cold instead; that is weird, he knows, but just looking at brian makes him want to put on fifteen fluffy sweaters and get under the blanket. he feels goosebumps travel all the way down starting from his neck and turns all of his attention to the sand instead, enjoying the way his shoes disappear under it and feeling like he’s back to being nine again. when he was a kid, his family would often go to the beach where they’d play volleyball all together; jae also loved playing with the sand while his parents were busy cooking or cleaning the house. he thinks of it with a small smile adorning his lips and gets down on his knees, writing and drawing random things on the sand that is so pliant under his touch.

fifteen minutes later, when he gets lost in the maze of his memories and forgets about everything else, he feels a light touch on the shoulder and sees brian looking at him with a fond smile. he smiles back and gets up, barely noticing how brian’s hand finds his, still busy with different thoughts that are so far, far away from reality.

“you’ve been here a lot before?” brian asks when he notices how serious jae is.

“yeah, my parents love this place a lot so they would usually come here for the weekend when they weren’t busy. i never got to celebrate my birthday here, though, so i’m very excited to create another memory on this beach.”

they walk around the beach for almost an hour, hand in hand, enjoying the calm atmosphere and the scent of the ocean. they don’t talk because words are not necessary here, instead exchanging soft smiles and occasional kisses, slow and sweet, and jae thinks he could spend a whole day like this. that is until brian suddenly winces in pain, but refuses to stop and tries to hide it behind another bright smile that jae doesn’t believe.

“what is it?” he asks in a tone that screams “don’t you dare to lie, brian kang”.

“i think my muscles weren’t ready for swimming, it’s okay, really, it happens from time to time but it should go away soon,” brian says honestly and jae remembers that something like that has already happened a while ago.

an idea crosses his mind.

“let’s go back to the house.”

brian doesn’t argue like he normally would so it doesn’t take them long and soon jae is already pushing him towards the bed, no hint of a smile on his face. brian looks at him in confusion.

“take off your shirt, i’ll give you a massage, you big baby.”

“oh. wow. that wasn’t a part of my plan, but i actually kinda like it,” brian says when jae’s cold, but gentle fingers come to touch the skin of his back.

“you’re an idiot. you’re such an idiot that i don’t even have the words to describe you.”

jae doesn’t sound angry and brian knows that he’s not, but he feels a little bit guilty for making him worry. his back is totally fine and they both know it, but jae still acts like brian was risking his life and he now has to nurse his boyfriend back to health, so kang mumbles a quiet apology that is barely audible because of the pillow that swallows most of the sound.

“but i really enjoyed it, though, it wasn’t even that cold, i just forgot to bring a towel, that’s the problem.”

“still, you’re an idiot,” jae says and brian can almost hear him pouting.

“yeah, but if i get you to take care of me, then i only win from being an idiot, right?”

jae snorts, but doesn’t comment that, instead focusing on the massage. he’s surprisingly good at that, brian notices and says that he may be going here more often. that earns him a slap on the back and he starts laughing, jae following soon after. they just laugh for a few minutes until jae gets tired from straddling his hips and lies next to him, finally allowing himself slip under the blanket.

“are you hungry?” brian repeats his question from a few hours ago.

“not really, just a bit. mostly sleepy,” jae murmurs, yawning.

“you can take a nap and i’ll go cook us dinner,” the younger suggests and makes a move to stand up, but jae quickly catches his hand.

“no, stay. let’s sleep together,” he says and can’t hold back a tired smile when brian nods and gets under the blanket too.

it’s brian who wakes up first; the room is already dark so he blindly reaches for his phone and gets surprised when the clock tells him they’ve been sleeping for almost four hours. he tries to be as quiet as possible not to wake jae up when he leaves the room and turns on the lights in the kitchen, getting ready to cook. he’s halfway through it when a pair of hands suddenly comes to rest on his hips; it’s the first time in a long while when he didn’t hear jae entering the kitchen.

“i love you,” jae half-whispers and it’s so sudden that brian almost drops the knife he’s been holding. “just wanted to remind you.”

“i love you too,” brian replies quietly, feeling his cheeks turning slightly pink because jae is still hugging him from behind, not wanting to let go. “it’s almost ready.”

“do you have anything else planned for today?” jae asks innocently.

“mhm, you should wear your sweater because we’re going stargazing right after dinner.”

the sky is clear and absolutely breathtaking when they go outside. brian’s plan to go to the beach is now pushed away because of the cold wind, so they stay near the house, but jae doesn’t seem to mind. they sit on the blanket, jae’s head on brian’s shoulder and his arms circled around jae’s waist, holding him close. that moment feels so intimate, so unreal that the thought brian’s been cherishing for quite a while now crosses his mind again.

“i love the stars so much i could look at the night sky for hours without getting tired,” jae says quietly with a smile equally bright.

“i don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but i feel that the stars look way prettier and more… infinite when you look at them in winter with the snow surrounding you. it’s a whole different experience. but i like that too.”

“oh. it does sound nice, but i’ve never seen it. it doesn’t snow here.”

“i will show you one day.”

“one day?” jae asks with a hint of hope in his voice as if still not quite believing in their future.

“you should come with me on tour and see all the world’s beauty yourself. or, we could go somewhere for a vacation. norway, finland, iceland, maybe even the northwest of russia? we could get lost there, you know.”

jae listens to this with his mouth open slightly.

“i want to see aurora,” he says, not looking away from the sky.

“you will,” brian promises.

suddenly, he gets up and disappears somewhere in the house, telling jae to wait for him. soon he comes back holding a small purple box with a cake on top of it. jae wonders how brian managed to keep it a secret even when he opened the fridge more than once this evening, but then finally realizes that it is not just a cake, that it’s his birthday cake, and sits with his mouth open, not knowing what to say. brian asks him to make a wish, so he closes his eyes and wishes for things to remain this way forever before blowing the candle.

“now open the box.”

jae does as told.

“is that… a new camera? oh brian, i told you not to get me anything, why would you even spend-”

brian cuts him off with a kiss, jae soon relaxes into it and lets himself be pushed down on the blanket.

“there’s also an album of our moments,” the singer then adds shyly. “i was planning to keep it for our anniversary, but it’s still far away, so… oh, and the birthday card.”

it’s a handmade card (jae wonders who did such a good job painting it) and when jae opens it he almost gets a heart attack from the amount of love and adoration he has for brian. the card says “to the one who shines brighter than the stars up in the sky”.

“happy birthday,” brian whispers and leans closer to capture his lips in a slow kiss, nipping at his bottom lip gently before pulling away.

he chuckles when jae’s lips follow his, chasing the contact again.

“getting old sucks, but getting old with you is actually better than i thought,” jae says, trying to hide his nervousness behind it. “no, really, thank you so much for this whole thing, i… i love you.”

jae’s eyes truly shine brighter than the stars right now and brian finds himself lost in them. here it goes, he thinks.

_“move in with me?”_

jae’s answer is a kiss this time too and brian thinks he could get used to it.

////

they sleep through all the alarms in the morning and only wake up at the sound of two cars parking near the house. jae mumbles something inaudible, probably a curse, but still gets up and rushes towards the door to greet his friends, brian following him soon after.

“where is my birthday boy, the one and only jimin park has come to give him lots of hugs!” jimin yells behind the door and jae rolls his eyes at that.

when he opens the door and lets everyone in, jimin is, our course, the first one to give him a hug so tight that he nearly starts suffocating. she ignores his weak attempts to free himself from her hug and pinches his cheeks a few times before finally letting him go. she then hands him a birthday card and pouts, saying that they couldn’t buy him a chicken little cake.

“four people out of five get money as their birthday presents. congratulations, loser number five,” jae reads and gives her a judging look. “seriously?”

they all laugh at his reaction, even dowoon who seems to feel really awkward with all those people, and then jimin gives him a bag with a cute oversized pink hoodie.

“surprise, surprise,” she says and urges him to wear the hoodie for the party. “okay, now that it’s done, it’s time for the cake!”

sam, being probably the most careful of them all, steps closer and opens the box, revealing the… cake with chicken little on it. and of course jimin is the one who starts drawing on his face, careful not to ruin the chicken little, making everyone laugh again. jae finds himself enjoying it too, he suddenly realizes how much he’s missed these dorks and their stupid, really stupid jokes.

“this house smells of sex,” matthew says when this little celebration is done and they get to explore the house.

jae blushes red despite knowing they didn’t have sex yesterday. it’s just so like matt – always making such jokes, teasing him and acting like a pervert to the point that some people really start questioning if he is one. still, jae manages to come up with a good reply to hopefully shut his friend up.

“at least i’m having sex. when was the last time you got laid?” he teases back, totally enjoying the way matt’s mischievous smile falls.

“it’s eleven in the morning and you’re already talking about sex,” jimin appears out of nowhere, yet she makes sure to slap matt’s butt before joining sam in trying to open the old window.

“today is going to be a disaster,” brian notices and jae can’t agree more. “let’s just hope they don’t burn the house down or something.”

“speaking of fire…” jimin begins and jae prepares for the worst. “we got lots of meat, but who’s going to make us the incredible barbeque?”

jae lets out a sigh of relief at that, but tenses again when matt volunteers to do it. he says he’s a professional when it comes to grilling meat, but jae remembers that one time his neighbors called the cops because he nearly destroyed their house during one of his countless parties.

“i’ll help him,” brian says, seeing how nervous jae is, and gets a thankful smile in return.

“i was honestly ready to call 911,” sam admits when those two leave the house and matt can’t hear him anymore.

“okay, you boring pieces of cotton candy, what are we going to do while waiting for the meat? i suggest playing volleyball because i brought the ball and i want to be in a team with dowoon because he’s cute.”

dowoon doesn’t really understand what’s going on, it’s difficult for him to get used to jimin’s bright personality and the way she behaves, so he just stands there awkwardly, not knowing what to say. wonpil doesn’t say anything either, but he glares at the girl and jae almost starts laughing because of this whole situation. eventually they do go out to play volleyball, but wonpil says he’ll sit this one out and becomes their judge instead. jimin is very enthusiastic and manages to not only play, but sing along to every song that is playing from the old radio they somehow found in one of the rooms. wonpil, who doesn’t have to jump and run, soon joins her and seems to forget about the jealousy because dowoon keeps looking at his side, making his team lose in the end.

“i take it back, i don’t want to be in a team with dowoon anymore,” the girl pouts when the game is over, but jae is not having it.

“nah, first of all, we’re not playing anymore because i’m hungry, and second, i’m not letting you take sam away from me.”

“watch yourself,” matt warns him from where they’re making barbeque with brian. “oh. but sammy already has a crush. on jae.”

“what?” they all ask in unison.

sam’s ears, just like his whole face, get all red and he gives matt a look screaming about his desire to kill someone right now.

“thank you very much for revealing my non-existent relationship. it’s not you, the other jae from college. but can we please focus on something else?”

“wonpil, be a sweetheart and help me do something in the house, will you?” jimin asks with a wink and even if wonpil doesn’t understand what she needs he still gets up.

when they disappear somewhere in the house, jae turns his attention to dowoon and sam’s quiet conversation. he watches with a proud smile how dowoon overcomes his shyness and asks sammy about the things he likes to eat. brian and matt are still busy with barbeque because matt wants to make everything perfect and brian has to watch every step of his; jae gets up and joins them, opening his mouth for brian to put a tiny piece of hot meat there. he chews with his eyes closed and nods a few times, fully satisfied with everything, but is so distracted by its taste that he doesn’t notice how jimin comes back. wonpil follows her with the cake in his hands, he moves slowly and tries not to breathe in order not to trip over anything, but jumps at the sound of matt sneezing loudly and drops the cake down on jae’s head. it causes them all to laugh uncontrollably, though jimin whines about chicken little being completely destroyed now, and jae laughs along too despite having his hair, face and clothes all dirty and covered with cream and chocolate.

“at least the pink hoodie is safe,” he says when sam asks if he’s okay. “we can have the cake brian gave me, so it’s fine.”

“ooooh, what else can we have from what brian gave you?” matt whistles.

“uh, my love? but that’s definitely not for you,” brian says and jae is surprised because of how fast he found a way to tease matt back; it took him years to master this talent.

“go help your boyfriend get changed and wash his hair, then come back to play truth or dare,” jimin pushes them both towards the house with a mischievous smile on her lips.

everyone starts clapping and cheering excitedly upon hearing they’re going to play truth or dare, but jae isn’t so happy about it. brian notices that when they get to the bathroom, but doesn’t press, yet jae still opens up quite soon.

“don’t get me wrong, i love them to bits, but they can be really crazy sometimes. if someone gets drunk then it’s over for us because their ideas will start getting worse and worse with each shot. and it’s absolutely impossible to make them go to bed.”

“we can change the game to never have i ever,” kang suggests, but jae shakes his head.

“it’s okay, just don’t let matt get too drunk. he’s a walking disaster.”

the funny thing is that it’s not matt who gets impossibly drunk, not even jimin or jae himself, but dowoon. he gets more confident with every shot he has and two hours through the game they all start feeling nervous when his turn comes. he dares jimin to kiss sam (which she does, but makes it perfectly clear that her heart belongs to her cat, as if sam himself didn’t have a crush already), dares jae to never touch or talk to brian until the game is over, dares matt to reveal his dirtiest secret, but only asks wonpil to call his mother and pretend that he’s getting married tomorrow, which makes everyone snort, feeling disappointed.

“okay, brian, have you ever thought about breaking up with jae?” sam asks when jimin suffers from dowoon’s weird wish again.

“nope. wonpil?”

“truth?”

“do you have a crush on someone here?”

wonpil takes a deep breath before admitting it with his ears as red as tomatoes and prepares to be teased for it, but nothing actually happens. the game just goes on until they change the order; that is when something unexpected happens.

“i can go to any level of the questions, right?”

“we all know you’re the biggest pervert out there, so ask your damn question already,” jimin says as she finishes the last piece of meat.

“but isn’t it boring for a group of friends around twenty five to only discuss their past secrets, old crushes and biggest fears? this game was literally made for dirty questions so that more people start picking dare eventually,” matt points out, but no one’s listening to him anymore, they’re all just waiting for the question, too busy thinking about the person dowoon is going to pick next.

“shoot,” sam says, suddenly annoyed by their bickering.

“so, jae. we all know brian is hella sexy, maybe not as sexy as i am, but still, so, obviously, everything about him turns you on, but. what’s the weirdest but hottest thing for you when he’s fucking you?”

jae gasps when he hears the question, blushing furiously, but refuses to give up just yet. jimin spills soda all over her skirt and excuses herself, definitely not wanting to hear his answer, but others remain seated and watch him silently. jae glances at where brian seats with a curious look on his face and thinks that it’ll most likely be used against him in the future, but goes for it anyway.

“what makes you so sure it’s not the other way around?” he asks, trying to buy some time.

“excuse me, but you’re, like, the most submissive person i’ve ever seen. no offence, that must be cute, i don’t know though, we have to ask brian about it.”

“how drunk are you already?”

“the question,” matt reminds him and jae sighs when he understands that he’s not that drunk yet.

“alright, alright, i go crazy when he does it with his shirt still on, satisfied?”

“pretty much.”

brian smirks and jae wishes he could disappear forever when he sees that.

it’s dowoon’s turn and everyone goes quiet.

“wonpil,” he begins, narrowing his eyes.

“dare,” wonpil picks as if challenging him.

“i dare you to kiss me.”

for a few seconds wonpil just sits there with his mouth open wide in shock and the fact that everyone starts cheering loudly is by no means helping him accept the cruel reality. he still crawls over to dowoon, not being able to stand up anymore, and freezes inches away from his face. it is obvious that dowoon regrets his decision now, but there’s no way out for both of them, so jae watches how his friend finally, finally presses his lips against dowoon’s, giving him a quick peck before they get interrupted by jimin’s loud scream.

“what the fuck did i miss?!” she yells, scaring them all to death and that’s when jae thinks that it’s a good time to finish this game.

“hey, guys, um, how about we clean everything here and go to bed? it’s getting late and there are no lights in this street.”

he lets out a sigh of relief when his friends start humming, agreeing with his words, and get up to their feet. matt dusts off his jeans and volunteers to do the dishes, but sam tells him to go straight to bed since he can barely stand anymore. jae looks around, hoping to catch wonpil and ask him to please throw the trash away, but kim is nowhere to be found and jae guesses he must be crying in the bathroom by now. dowoon has disappeared too, probably ran upstairs to scream at the poor pillows, so eventually he picks all the trash himself, not trusting anyone else to do it. when he comes back, the house is already quiet (if he ignores some quiet sobs coming from the bathroom), but the kitchen light is still on, so he goes there without further hesitation.

he’s right: brian stands by the sink washing the plates carefully and jae lingers by the door for a few seconds before coming closer and pressing a loving kiss on the soft skin of brian’s cheek. it feels so domestic and warm, but, more importantly, right that he can’t resist saying it out loud.

“is this really going to happen every day?” he asks quietly as he helps brian with the towel. “you and me doing things together in our house?”

“well, you said yes,” brian notices with a smile, but jae knows he feels the same and this is just a way to tease him.

he should probably never let him meet matthew again.

“thank you for making today so special,” jae whispers when it’s all done and they get a moment for themselves. “i know it was a lot funnier because of the guys, i missed them a lot, but if it wasn’t for you…”

“i bet they’d still find a way to surprise you.”

“sure, but it wouldn’t be the same. god, bri, just admit that you’re the best part of my life and live with that,” jae pretends to be annoyed, but brian still finds it adorable.

“today was special for me too,” he says and leaves a kiss on jae’s nose. “and i’m glad i could make you feel happier.”

“what do you think is going to happen between wonpil and dowoon?”

“their drunk selves made it pretty clear they’re pining over each other, but the real question is who’s going to admit it and make a move first?”

“definitely not wonpil, you can still hear him crying in the bathroom,” jae starts laughing but almost chokes on air when brian picks him up. “what is that for? put me down right now, brian kang!”

“no way,” brian chuckles when jae starts lightly hitting his back. “you’re mine.”

“i am,” jae confirms, puzzled.

“good. now let’s get to bed.”

i’m in love with an idiot, jae thinks to himself later when they’re cuddling under the blankets, but this idiot is the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i usually prefer staying anonymous when it comes to my works, but i guess some of you already know my name and country anyway, so if anyone wants to know me better or just follow the updates on this work, here's my twitter: @summeroka. feel free to contact me anytime, i'm quite friendly, just rather shy.  
> till the next time it's updated, stay happy haha


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy weekend everyone, wohoo!  
> i must say that being back in uni & the dorm kinda sucks and i guess it affects my writing in some ways too, but i can't help it;;; sorry for a boring chapter, it just needed to exist for the sake of the plot, hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> as always, comments and kudos are highly appreciated, especially now that i'm back to studying o:

jae knew he shouldn’t have agreed to this; he felt it was going to be a disaster, yet he couldn’t resist it when he got a call.

when he agreed to let wonpil help him pack all the necessary things and do a massive cleaning in the apartment, he knew it was going to be a real nightmare. it’s just that he didn’t know it was going to be _this_ bad.

first of all, and it already has jae worried as a good friend he is, wonpil arrives really late by his standards. usually he would get up at eight and come bother him by nine, but it’s way past twelve and there’s still no sight of said man. when the clock reaches one jae sighs and tries calling his friend, but wonpil doesn’t seem to be interested in conversations right now and instead sends a text saying he’s already on his way. it does make things easier and jae almost relaxes, but that is only until there’s a knock on the door, considering that wonpil doesn’t really have the habit of knocking like this, though it fully depends on his mood. a wild guess crosses his mind and he doesn’t expect it to be true (though, knowing wonpil, anything can be true), but when he opens the door and sees kim standing there with eyes impossibly red from crying, it finally comes to him: wonpil is still not over that kiss.

it’s been two weeks since the party and jae spent half of this time enjoying himself at home with parents, feeling that he deserved a little rest from everyone else in this world after all the stress he’s had to go through, so they didn’t chat with wonpil as much as they usually would. and even when they did, his friend tried to seem cheerful and happy while jae knew he wasn’t supposed to push wonpil to any sort of a confession until the time was right. so, yes, he didn’t really know that wonpil cries every other night (and morning, as it seems) and looks like a total shit.

it turns out wonpil doesn’t know he looks like shit either.

“have you… seen yourself in the mirror?” jae tries in a soft voice, not knowing if he should jump straight to the questions or give wonpil a chance to explain everything himself.

wonpil definitely chooses the first option, because he just shrugs his shoulders and enters jae’s apartment.

“it’s that bad?” is all he says.

“well, yeah, you could say that. do you want to talk about it?”

wonpil nods, then shakes his head and nods again before slowly sitting down on the couch. jae runs to the kitchen and comes back with chocolate cookies (or whatever is left from them after the time brian visited him) and two glasses of apple juice. wonpil needs something sweet and he needs it immediately, so first, even before handing him the glass, jae shoves a cookie into his mouth and tells him to chew. for a few seconds wonpil just stares at him, puzzled, and jae thinks he would’ve laughed if it wasn’t for how broken and sad kim looked right now, but then he seems to finally realize what is happening and starts chewing.

“feeling better, yeah?” he says quietly, not really expecting or needing an answer, but to his surprise wonpil nods.

“those are my favorite cookies,” he mumbles with his mouth still full, crumbs stuck on his lips and even chin.

“you can have them all if you want,” jae chuckles, trying to save the day.

“okay.”

wonpil doesn’t say anything for a few more minutes, he takes two cookies and quickly finishes them before starting to sip his juice. jae sits still, not saying anything either, because he understands wonpil needs time and support, not the jokes and teasing, no matter how much he would like to give him those things. he knows it well enough that the reason behind wonpil’s red eyes is the kiss that happened during the truth or dare game at his birthday party; they were both drunk and didn’t control their actions, but jae somehow feels guilty because of it too. it’s not like he could do anything to stop them, plus the game itself was quite funny and interesting, yet there’s still something biting him somewhere deep, deep inside.

he also understands the reason why wonpil decided not to complain but instead keep it to himself: to some people (most of them, actually) his problem would seem ridiculous and not worth of their time. it really does seem simple, they already know (everyone does) that they have a crush on each other, more so, they’ve already kissed, so why complicate things? the best advice wonpil could get from most of the people would be discussing this with dowoon himself eye to eye, just him and yoon, but, see, this isn’t how things work in the world of one fairy kim wonpil.

wonpil has a very big and tender heart and such things can become the cruel reality’s target very, very easily. jae is more than sure that it’s currently raining in his heart because he doesn’t let himself even think that someone like dowoon could fall in love with him. he is hurt not just because of the kiss, but because he made himself believe dowoon was teasing him, that he was too obvious with his feelings and that it’s all over now. if jae had the right to change this situation somehow, he would do it immediately, but he understands it’s not what wonpil needs. what wonpil does need right now, though, is to be supported, accepted and comforted and who if not jae would do it right?

when silence becomes a little bit awkward, jae suddenly thinks of something. he gently pats wonpil’s shoulder to catch his attention and smiles when kim looks at him.

“what do you think about watching ‘coco’? i mean, right now? we can order something and just have a nice day instead of being sad, you know?”

when he suggests that, wonpil’s eyes begin to shine from excitement, but it disappears in no time.

“what about your things? you said you were supposed to move out by the end of this week…”

“uuh, come on, it can wait for a bit. i’ll ask brian to come over and help me when he’s done recording for today. i remember hearing something about him having a day off tomorrow, just to clear his head, so i think he’ll be happy to see me after two weeks. or, at least, i hope so. anyway, i’ll call him in the evening, don’t worry about that.”

“but are you sure?” wonpil looks like the most adorable puppy in the world.

“absolutely.”

“i don’t know, brian thinks we’ll be done in a few hours but then he’ll have to do it himself instead of me helping you… this is not fair.”

wonpil keeps saying that it’s not fair for five minutes straight, so jae shoves another cookie into his mouth and orders a huge pizza before his friend can start whining about how useless he is.

////

it’s already late when jae calls brian because their “just this one” with wonpil has somehow turned into a whole marathon of different movies and cartoons, so he’s not really planning to invite kang anymore, but still wants to hear his voice. brian picks up almost immediately, as if he was waiting for jae to take his phone and make a call, and jae almost melts because of how pleasantly surprised he sounds.

“why haven’t you called me for so long?” he asks in a low voice and jae thinks he’s probably pouting right now.

“sorry,” jae sighs and leans back on the couch. “i didn’t want to distract you from recording, besides, i wanted to spend some time with my parents like in the good old times.”

“it’s alright,” brian chuckles and jae can’t hold back a smile too. “are you done packing?”

“i actually wanted to talk about it…”

the line goes silent for a few moments; jae frowns and checks if the call was interrupted, but everything works just fine. he tenses.

“you’re… you’re not telling me you changed your mind, right?” brian asks eventually, voice still that low and unsure.

“oh my god, of course it’s not that!” jae almost starts laughing, feeling relieved now.

“you scared me.”

“sorry, i- i didn’t mean to…”

“what is it then?”

“it’s about wonpil. he’s still stressed about what happened during my birthday, so he wasn’t in the mood for this boring job. i did my best to help him without mentioning dowoon, but we ended up watching cartoons, so now most of my things are still unpacked.”

“you want me to help you?” brian asks and jae wonders if he can read minds.

“well, if you’re not too tired…i could use some help. you can stay for the night if you want to, we’re most likely not getting a chance to sleep in this apartment together ever again.”

jae smiles as he says it because as much as he’s sad to leave a place where he lived for more than six years, it means the beginning of something new, something more beautiful. it means that starting from next week he’ll wake up in the same bed with brian almost every day and will get to hear his share of lullabies whenever brian is not tired to sing him to sleep.

“i’m glad you said yes because you don’t really have a choice anyway,” brian says, suddenly quiet.

“what do you mean?” jae is puzzled as he chews on the last piece of pizza.

“open the door and you’ll see.”

jae gasps and jumps from the couch making brian laugh through the phone. he doesn’t hang up until the very moment he reaches the door and opens it and then his mouth falls open too. brian stands in the doorway with a smirk on his face, looking effortlessly handsome and hot, but what catches jae’s attention first is his hair that is pitch black now. he can’t resist reaching his hand out to ruffle brian’s shining hair and at first doesn’t even believe it, but then his hands somehow make their way around kang’s neck and he is smirking too now.

“do i know you?” he half-whispers, enjoying the way brian’s smile gets wider and wider.

“i think you do,” is the equally quiet reply.

“you smell nice, but i doubt i’ve met you before, beautiful stranger.”

“maybe you’ve just forgotten, huh?” brian asks, closing the door behind him and placing his hands on jae’s waist.

“oh? yeah, it could be that. will you remind me then?”

“gladly.”

and then brian’s lips are on his, the kiss slow and tender as if he really wants to remind jae how good it feels to be kissing him, but jae doesn’t need a reminder. he smiles into the kiss, lets it get deeper and only pulls away when he feels his knees shaking and almost turning into jelly from the way brian’s hands move up and down his body. brian’s lips chase the lost contact and jae finds it adorable, but somehow manages to resist the desire to keep kissing his boyfriend until they’re both completely out of breath and instead turns around, quickly running to the kitchen. kang catches him halfway to it, caging him in his embrace and not letting go even when jae starts whining about wanting to have a glass of water, instead he kisses the crown of his hair and chuckles when jae lightly hits his chest.

“slow down there, i’m already feeling like jelly. are you that hungry?” he asks with a frown, pretending to be mad, though of course he enjoys it very much and brian knows it too.

“for you – always.”

“you do realize that it was very lame, right?”

when brian doesn’t say anything he tries to free from the tight hold and this time succeeds.

“but, seriously, are you hungry? it’s not like i have anything yummy here, but we could think of something if you are,” he says as he finishes his glass of water and opens the fridge.

“you’ve already heard my answer.”

brian sounds so deadly serious when he says it that jae can’t help but roll his eyes. at times like that he acts like a stubborn kid and even though jae knows that he’s not sad or anything, he still feels guilty and leans forward, giving him a quick peck on the lips. brian hums as if to show that he’s satisfied now, but jae doesn’t stop there and kisses his cheeks, nose, each eyelid and forehead before finally pulling away and making his way to the living room where tons of things are still waiting to be packed.

“i’ve already packed a few boxes, but there’s still a lot,” he says shyly when brian whistles upon seeing the amount of work waiting for them.

“i’m not even sure if there’s enough space for all this in my house,” brian replies teasingly and jae pouts.

“of course there is! and now will you please stop talking and help me move this to the left, i have a feeling that i dropped a few coins there last month.”

“a few coins?” brian almost starts laughing and jae smacks his shoulder to actually get him to work.

“i believe every coin is important,” he points out and brian doesn’t have anything to say back because it’s true. “how’s your album going so far?”

“still better than expected. i actually think of adding one more track, not sure which one though. i have lots of lyrics written, but i should find something that would fit the mood of this album.”

“from what i’ve seen, it’s something about hope, right?” jae asks as they begin packing his clean bed sheets and pillow cases.

“well, not exactly, but it’s something like that, yeah. it’s about your present, your future, about precious moments and important feelings, not reminiscing about what’s already gone. this time it isn’t something sad, there are no songs about breakup or anything like that. oh, wow, when did you get this pillow case with bees? i don’t think i’ve seen it before.”

“i don’t know,” jae gives an honest answer. “does it matter?”

“nah, i just want to have one like this,” brian admits with a wink.

“but it’s kinda becoming yours now, you know? we can use it whenever you want to.”

“we’re recording ‘you’ on monday, you still remember that, right?” kang changes the topic and throws three pairs of clean socks into the wrong box. “oops.”

“mhm,” jae hums back as he reaches for those socks and puts them in the right one.

“the fans are going to love your voice there so much,” he says with a smile that suddenly disappears under the shirt jae’s thrown at him.

“i wouldn’t be so sure…” jae mutters quietly. “i know it’s stupid, but sometimes i still catch myself thinking about all the what-if’s. i mean… we can’t predict their reaction once they find out about us.”

“that’s true, but there is only one way to discover it. speaking of which, you do trust me, right?”

“i thought we’ve already talked about it though?” jae says, feeling slightly uncomfortable because of the question.

“that includes everything? even the craziest things?” brian keeps pushing and jae frowns again, not quite understanding what the younger wants from him.

nonetheless, he nods, still feeling confused. he really wants to get an explanation, but brian just flashes a smile and goes back to folding jae’s countless oversized shirts and hoodies. they don’t talk about it anymore; jae doesn’t feel like arguing with brian over something so unworthy and instead starts telling him about the time spent with parents back home. he talks about homemade food and his warm and soft bed, talks about the evenings spent in karaoke and doesn’t forget to mention one particular night when they went together to an empty field to see some shooting stars, but instead got all soaked because of an unexpected rain. brian listens very attentively and doesn’t interrupt him, not even once, but jae sees that there’s something going on in his mind yet he doesn’t rush, showing his boyfriend that he did mean it when he said he’d trust him with his life.

“your mother is such a sweet woman,” brian says suddenly, surprising jae. “she’s always been so kind to me ever since we met for the first time.”

“that she is. you… you miss your parents,” jae whispers when he notices sadness in brian’s fox-like eyes.

“yeah. but most of the time they’re too busy to spend some time talking to me. they have lots of work that they don’t want to give up even though i can earn money for them now. i don’t know, sometimes it feels like they’re too busy to have a son, that’s why i appreciate your mother’s support so much,” brian’s voice is laced with pain and jae starts getting worried, but then he shakes his head and smiles.

“she loves you a lot too. so do i,” jae says because he doesn’t know what else could be said in this situation. he wishes he could help somehow.

“your family has kind of become mine now, but i know one day my parents will wake up and remember that they have someone who needs their love. being an adult doesn’t mean that you’re fully independent and i wish they could see it too.”

“i’m so sorry you have to go through this,” with that, he reaches his hand to caress brian’s cheek.

he leans into the touch, whispering a quiet “thank you” as he closes his eyes and lets jae tell him sweet nothings and place tender kisses to his forehead. they sit like this for a while until brian starts feeling better after opening up about what’s been bothering him for so long and says that it’s going to be okay soon. jae knows it’s not happening “soon”, but he doesn’t say anything, instead just nods and then they get back to packing his things. it takes them three more hours to finish everything and they go to bed completely exhausted, but jae still stays up until brian dozes off just to make sure that he’s going to be fine. then he lets himself relax in brian’s arms and soon falls asleep too, listening to his steady breathing and thinking about just how lucky he is to have such man by his side.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _please_ leave comments, they're my biggest source of inspiration and motivation! 
> 
> ooof this one is just so fucked up that i feel very very sorry for even posting it. yet i doubt i would be able to write something better and i probably need a break; also the next chapter should be longer (i hope so?), so i have absolutely no idea when i'm coming back, but please wait for me!

surprisingly (or maybe not at all), it doesn’t take jae long to get used to living in a new place. it isn’t as new to him as any other house would be because he’s been here before and sometimes even stayed for the night, but the first few nights are still a bit confusing. brian came back to the studio right after helping him unpack everything, so he would just occasionally wake up in the middle of the night all alone, not knowing where the bathroom was, why the ceiling was different and why the bed was so huge. but as time passes he starts feeling more comfortable; the only odd thing is, though, the fact that he is alone in the house he’s never stayed at without brian before.

fortunately, it only lasts for one more week and on saturday morning jae wakes up because of the sound of the front door being opened and closed quietly, as if not to disturb him in any way. he yawns and reluctantly stretches for a bit, then shakes his head to get rid of the sleepiness, but it doesn’t want to leave (shouldn’t have stayed up editing a video for so long) so eventually he simply lies back down under the blanket and waits for brian to come give him a well-deserved morning kiss. brian, as it seems, has his own plans and isn’t willing to enter their (oh, how good it sounds, god help jae) bedroom any time soon, so jae has to listen to the sound of water running in the shower first and decides to pretend to be sleeping – just close his eyes and wait, then surprise his boyfriend the moment he expects it the least. what he himself doesn’t expect, though, is to fall asleep for real and wake up two hours later – still without his morning kiss.

he can hear brian doing something in the kitchen, probably making coffee because jae’s sure he’s about to fall asleep any minute if he doesn’t have his daily dose of it, but he doesn’t feel like getting up; after all, lazy mornings are the best ones. instead of calling brian’s name, though, he takes the phone from under the pillow and texts him.

jae (11:34 am.)

_hey roommate_

_when are you going to come greet me_

fox <3 (11:35 am.)

_oh?_

jae (11:35 am.)

_yes, you_

fox <3 (11:36 am.)

_why don’t you come here yourself_

jae (11:37 am.)

_because i want you to do it and kiss me already : <_

fox <3 (11:37 am.)

_is there a sign “no kissing” in our kitchen? did i miss something?_

jae (11:38 am.)

_no, you dummy, just hurry up_

_i want you to sleep too!!_

brian doesn’t reply and soon jae can hear his footsteps coming closer and closer until the door opens and reveals a smiley brian standing in the doorway. jae’s face immediately lights up with a smile too; he starts making grabby hands, making his boyfriend roll his eyes at that and lean down to finally, finally give him the long-awaited kiss on the lips.

“you’re so weird,” he says as he takes a sit next to him on the bed.

“but isn’t it what you love me for,” jae murmurs quietly and gestures to the pillow, inviting brian to join him, but the younger shakes his head.

“sometimes i start wondering how did i even fall for you,” he teases and laughs when jae opens his mouth but doesn’t have anything to say back. “what, you’re getting ready to run back to your apartment?”

“well, this house is mine too now, so i’m just thinking of kicking you out.”

“officially it’s not yours, just mine,” brian corrects him with a smug smile that makes him look like a real fox.

jae snorts, but doesn’t want this morning (technically it’s not morning anymore, but he’s still in bed, so excuse him) to turn into some kind of a tv series where an old couple keeps bickering and teasing each other because of something so trivial. brian doesn’t continue his attack with facts either, but it is clear that he wants to say something.

“what’s on your mind, _mister fox?_ spill the tea.”

“not that much to spill,” brian says, but then he smiles happily. “i’ve finished recording the album, all done, now the rest is up to the producer.”

“that’s awesome!” jae yells as he jumps on the bed to give brian a tight hug. “you’ve done such a great job, i’m sure everyone’s gonna be blown away by those new songs! i’m so proud of you.”

“i still can’t believe that i was this fortunate to get everything done in just three months…” brian continues, his nose scrunching adorably when he smiles again, this time because of jae’s reaction. “it’s crazy, but i’m happy, that i can say for sure.”

“all of your hard work is going to pay off sooner than you think,” jae promises with a kiss on his cheek.

“also, this is probably very bad of me to announce it this late, but… i’ll be playing a small show next week and i’m going to donate all the money for people who suffer from cancer. and i really want to play ‘you’ for the first time there too, so…will you join me? i know you’ve already said yes, but if you’re not ready yet or something i’m not gonna push you.”

“my grandmother died from cancer,” jae replies quietly after thinking for a few moments, voice laced with a sudden wave of sadness. “it’s so nice of you, really, that’s such an important thing to do, something to be proud of even more than i already am. how are you even real?”

“it is only right to help people who are in need. you know, i truly believe that this universe, or the god, or whatever the power there is, remembers all the good things you do in this life and rewards you for them in its own way. that’s probably why i got to meet you,” brian replies and boops jae’s nose, making him giggle and completely changing the atmosphere back to light and bright.

“so cheesy.”

“you’re blushing though,” brian laughs and jae can’t argue with that. stupid cheeks.

“i’m not singing with you, that’s not the way you should treat your boyfriend.”

“no kisses for you then.”

“okay! alright! you’re an ass!”

“and no hugs too.”

“i’m coming back to my mom,” jae pouts.

“also, i’ve been lying this whole time and i’m actually in love with sungjin.”

“oh god, then we can end this right now because i’ve only been using you for sex.”

“feels so good to finally reveal the truth.”

when brian says that, their eyes meet and they both can’t control a loud laughter. they can’t stop laughing even when brian starts hiccupping (it actually makes the situation even funnier) and jae complains about not being to breathe properly anymore. his ribs hurt from laughing for too long, but when he looks to his left and sees brian’s wide smile and his shining eyes, he thinks that it’s probably one of the best moments in his life.

////

the rest of the week passes by in a blur, completely unnoticed: brian spends half of each day practicing for the upcoming concert and jae sits quietly in the corner of the studio, editing videos or simply listening to his soothing voice. sometimes they, of course, rehearse ‘you’ as well, but brian is so sure this song doesn’t need a rehearsal that at some point jae starts thinking so too. though, obviously, it only lasts for a few days; when d-day comes and they sit backstage jae feels that all of his confidence is suddenly gone and replaced with fear. brian doesn’t seem to be worried at all, but jae knows that deep inside he’s afraid that the fans won’t like the only new song he’s going to showcase today or that something will just go wrong in general and he wishes he could help, but he himself is shaking and nervously playing with the strings of that pink hoodie jamie gave him as a birthday gift. it kind of reminds jae of waiting for an exam to start, but this time it’s more serious, this time there is no way to cheat or pass just because of his cute eyes. if he messes up today, it will be remembered for a long time.

they can already hear the fans chanting brian’s stage name loudly, but it changes nothing; it still feels like they’re sitting in silence and that if they move or say anything, the whole world will end immediately. it’s brian who breaks this heavy silence first; he takes jae’s hands in his and squeezes them.

“hey baby, look at me. all you have to do is take a deep breath and be yourself. i know how difficult it is for you – to go on that stage for the first time, but please try not to think about the audience, focus on me.”

“okay…” jae whispers back, but he’s not even sure what he’s agreeing to.

“you don’t have to do this if you feel bad,” brian begins quietly, but his voice is firm, and that’s when something finally clicks in jae’s mind, bringing him back to reality.

“no-no-no, it’s not that, i’m just nervous, that is all. singing this song together with you was something very intimate for me and, even though those guys have already seen us together in a video, i’m still worried about their reaction because they most definitely don’t expect to see me on stage.”

“it’s going to be fine,” brian promises and leans for a kiss. “trust me.”

“i do,” jae says and closes the gap.

brian is then called to go up on stage and jae can only wish him luck and get back to waiting for his biggest moment. he kind of wants to come there right now and watch the show too, but at the same time he knows that if he does so, he won’t be able to focus on anything anymore. and so he waits, for what feels like hours, until a woman from the staff enters the small room and politely asks him to get ready and follow her. she leads him to the stage where brian is about to finish singing one of jae’s all-time favorite songs, ‘i like you’, and suddenly he feels that all the previous fear is gone now. he listens to the fans singing along so beautifully, so loudly, and all the worries and what if’s don’t matter anymore.

here it goes, he thinks, when brian sings the last line and plays the long intro that has the fans whispering and asking each other what is going on, the beautiful intro that brings goosebumps to jae’s skin, the intro for the song that is about to change so many things in their lives. brian turns to look to where he stands and gives him the brightest smile of all; it’s brighter than anything jae’s seen in his life, and it gives him the much needed boost of confidence. he nods back and shows an “okay” sign, letting brian finally begin singing.

 _“the one who looks close, but is distant,”_ brian’s soft voice fills the hall, making everyone scream in excitement and joy. “ _it’s you…”_

 _“as days pass, i become filled with you,”_ jae sings, still hiding behind the curtains, and that’s when the whole venue goes crazy. _“i see you even when i close my eyes, everything is tinted with you.”_

with that, he slowly comes out and up on the stage, joining brian under the lights. the view is breathtaking, to say the least, but it’s also quite shocking to see so many people look at him with their mouths open wide in amazement, and it’s the moment he starts feeling nervous again. saying “nervous” would be an understatement, though, because his whole body is shaking in panic, seconds feel like hours and the quiet whispers somehow remind him of the loudest thunder. but then it’s all gone, then brian’s hand finds his and jae looks at him in confusion, but kang mouths a simple “trust me” before moving onto the chorus.

 _“i think i’m crazy, from the moment i first saw you,”_ he begins, squeezing jae’s hand and ignoring the screams from the audience, who is absolutely shocked by the amount of unexpected events happening right in front of their eyes.

 _“i think i’m crazy, because i want you, i want to have you, baby,”_ jae continues, feeling as light as a feather, and lets everything go.

jae feels like he’s become the character of brian’s own song ‘man in a movie’ because everything feels too magical, too dreamy to be happening in real life. being able to openly share this small stage with the man he loves is already both a tough challenge and one of the happiest moments, but holding his hand takes everything on a whole different level. sure, they still can say that it was staged just for this special performance, but is anyone going to believe them after seeing the love and adoration for the other in their eyes? there is no turning back now, but jae isn’t scared anymore. and even if eventually their movie is different from the ones where in the end everyone is happy and forgiven despite the difficulties, even if people don’t support them, jae is sure that from now on brian will be proudly holding his hand in public and this thought alone makes his heart skip a few beats. as the latin saying goes: per aspera ad astra; and, after all, the only star that matters to him is not up in the sky, it’s found in brian’s heart.

when the song comes to its end, right before brian sings _“i want to have you, baby”_ for the last time, another very unexpected thing happens, but this time it isn’t planned and jae even checks the corners of his memory twice, blinking at the singer in confusion. he finally understands why brian asked him so many questions about him being okay with revealing their relationship, why he didn’t want to push and pressure jae, but it still feels like he’s dreaming. everyone in the crowd goes silent and it is the only thing that scares jae now, but there’s fire in brian’s eyes as he pulls jae in, nearly dropping the mic, and holds him tight.

this time he doesn’t ask; there is no need to – the answer is written all over jae’s face. they kiss in front of two thousand people watching them closely, but not a single person starts screaming or insulting them and instead they do something jae (and brian too, as he’ll admit later) could never even think about: they… clap. they’re all clapping and only start cheering when brian pulls away, smiling in relief. jae can’t bring himself to look up despite the crowd’s reaction, he feels so shy and at a loss for words that he just stands there awkwardly while brian bows to his fans until said man comes back and tilts his chin up.

“i love you so much,” he says in a voice that is supposed to be barely audible for jae himself, but it seems that the whole venue hears it too and they all suddenly start cooing and whispering to each other that the couple looks too adorable to be real.

brian laughs when he catches those words being passed from one fan to another and pinches jae’s cheek lovingly before giving him another quick kiss and bringing his attention to the crowd again. with so many people recording them, jae thinks, they’re probably already back to being one of the hottest trends worldwide. does he care about it though? he decides he doesn’t because right here and now people are cheering for them so sincerely and happily that it’s difficult to start worrying about anything again.

“sorry for…” but as soon as brian opens his mouth to apologize there are screams from different sides telling him that there’s no need to be sorry.

“it’s okay!” a particularly loud girl yells from the first row. “you have the right to love and date anyone who makes you happy!”

“and if we’re jealous, it’s only because you got to date jae!” another fan adds, making the whole venue laugh.

“i know that some of you are still disappointed and will probably stop supporting me after what i’ve just done,” brian begins, ignoring the “that’s not true!” screams. “but it was the only right thing to do. maybe it was a little bit too unexpected, but you guys deserve to know that i’m so madly in love with this man who seems like he’s about to kill me for that later.”

jae glares at him, but can’t stop a wide smile adorning his face even when he smacks brian’s shoulder. it isn’t how he imagined this day to be and this confession to happen and he still has to find out when did brian get so brave and confident, but as for right now, he finds himself satisfied and maybe even happy with how it goes.

“are there any jaesix subscribers?” jae gains the courage to say something too and is left speechless again when most of the people in the audience raise their hands.

“thank you for accepting our choices. just to let you know, the kiss was unexpected for jae as well; we were very nervous about this whole thing and i doubt we would make any move to actually and honestly reveal our relationship if we continued like this, so i decided to do it today. i sincerely hope you liked the song too.”

the fans give them another loud cheer and jae uses this as an opportunity to return backstage and let brian talk about the song and his upcoming album. he sits on the floor and carefully fishes the phone out of his jeans’ pocket; his thumb hovers over the blue bird icon for a few moments but then he takes a deep breath and opens it.

it isn’t perfect, there are many tweets saying they didn’t sign up for that kind of shit, some people say they hoped youngk would be “the normal guy”, but the amount of people supporting them is also unbelievably huge. there are not only their or their friends’ fans, but ordinary people who saw the video and it makes jae realize that it was a big step forward not just for them, but to many others who are forced to hide their relationship and pretend to be friends. he feels proud, but not of himself or brian, he feels proud of the girls who share their stories about coming out to their parents, feels proud when he sees pictures of the guys holding hands because love isn’t something you should be ashamed of. you can marry your favorite girl and have two kids in the future or you can live happily without children. you can marry your boyfriend and fight over razors, lotions and the last remaining pair of clean underwear because you’re two guys and each of you, obviously, needs those things more than the other. or, you can marry your girlfriend and paint each other’s nails on saturday evenings while watching your favorite tv series, and no one has the right to judge you.

when this thought comes to his mind it finally hits him: the world really does know about them now and they’ve got nothing to hide anymore. it feels good. _he_ feels good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay to the plot finally moving somewhere!! let me know what you think about this!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been writing this for nine days straight, but finally got you the long chapter just like i promised. side note - it wasn't even a part of my plan, but i really wanted to write something like this, so here it is, the longest chapter so far, being 6k words lol  
> please excuse my mistakes if there are ones cause my brain is like a smashed tomato trying to study 4 languages at once so i can make very stupid mistakes; don't do this, kids
> 
> thank you to everyone who left comments on the previous chapter!!! it warmed my heart and helped me a lot to keep writing this one. i love you all and hope you're doing good or at least better than me :D  
> enjoy!

jae wakes up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare; he suddenly sits up in bed with a scream frozen on his lips, not really understanding where he is or who he is with. he sits there with his eyes wide open for a few seconds, breathing heavily, then tries to blink the nightmare away, but the cold, sticky feeling of it can’t be dealt with so easily and he shivers upon remembering the horrifying events that took place there. he glances to his left to make sure that he didn’t wake his boyfriend up, but is met with a pair of eyes looking at him with concern and only sighs, hiding his face from brian, who keeps watching him silently.

“i’ve had a nightmare,” jae admits quietly, still shivering as if feeling cold. “a pretty tough one where i felt super helpless.”

“you’ve been talking in your sleep,” brian tells him and shifts a bit to let jae lie on his chest.

as soon as jae does so, brian’s strong arms wrap around his waist, holding him close and trying to make him relax which is quite a difficult task because jae is still panting and shaking; it’s like he hasn’t fully left the world where this nightmare seemed real yet. brian’s warm calloused fingers find their way under the fabric of jae’s worn out yellow pajama shirt and he starts rubbing circles and writing random words on the skin of his back to calm him down. it takes a while for his breathing to get back to normal and all this time brian keeps gently stroking his back and whispering that everything is going to be alright. jae stays quiet, but he doesn’t need to say anything for brian to understand what he wants, needs right now.

“i’ll keep you safe and protect you,” he says quietly, to which jae just snuggles closer. “do you want to talk about it?”

“that was pathetic,” jae mumbles, barely audible, but brian still catches it and frowns.

“hey,” he whispers, making jae look at him with innocent eyes. “being scared of something isn’t what you can control so easily. we’re very vulnerable when we sleep, so it’s totally okay to get frightened.”

“it was… dark. and i was alone, running away from someone who wanted to do… something really awful to me, i’ve tried to ask people around me for the help, but it was the night time and everyone just looked at me as if i was crazy, so i had to keep running and running. eventually, i found you and begged you to save me from those people…”

brian feels jae’s whole body shake in his arms and wonders if it was a mistake from his side to ask for the details, but doesn’t mention it and just kisses the crown of jae’s hair. he thinks of the possible ways to make jae feel better, to forget the nightmare, but nothing comes to mind. jae goes silent again and for a second brian is afraid that jae’s brain portrayed him as a bad person as well, but then jae gives him a sleepy kiss on the cheek and so he relaxes.

“i was in the middle of explaining what happened when that guy appeared right in front of us. i guess that is why i woke up,” he says lazily and it can easily be seen that he can barely keep his eyes open anymore, but something doesn’t let him go back to sleep.

“i won’t let anyone hurt you,” brian promises and gets a weak smile in return. “i will always be right next to you to protect you from all the evil things and people in the world. i promise.”

“you can’t promise that,” jae mutters against the skin of his neck and pouts when he hears the younger chuckle. “once you go on tour…”

he gets interrupted by a yawn, but he doesn’t even have to finish the phrase; brian’s expression darkens for a second upon hearing that, but, thankfully, jae doesn’t notice that, too busy trying not to fall asleep. an idea crosses his mind, one that can help him avoid talking about the tour when it is still so far away and when jae is in such unstable state.

“jaejae,” he begins, and jae just hums instead of replying. damn, he looks so adorable when he is this sleepy. “i kind of want to just keep you in my pocket, you’re so cute and tiny.”

that is definitely not what he was planning to say, but jae doesn’t seem to mind and brian feels perfectly well how the corners of his lips go up, forming a small smile while his face is still pressed to brian’s broad chest.

“want me to sing you a lullaby?” he finally says what he originally meant to say.

jae looks at him in disbelief, but then nods shyly, getting comfortable again.

“you never sing in that deep voice,” he says back with a pout. “but are you sure it’s okay for you? i mean, i know how shitty it feels to be singing right after waking up.”

“as cheesy as it sounds, for you to feel safe i am ready to sing not just after waking up, but while being asleep as well.”

that earns him a sleepy giggle and his heart skips a few bits before it starts beating faster than usually. oh, he is so weak for this man.

“close your eyes and relax, i am right next to you and i’ll make sure that no one, you hear that, no one hurts you. pinky promise.”

“alright,” jae hums and his lips brush against brian’s neck slightly, the feeling sending shivers down his spine.

jae falls asleep almost immediately after that, but brian still keeps singing until his throat begins to hurt. but even then he doesn’t let himself fall asleep and stays up for the rest of the night, sometimes going back to singing, just in case jae experiences another nightmare. giving up on sleep is nothing compared to seeing his lover this scared and small, so he doesn’t regret it, not even the tiniest bit.

////

when the morning comes, it perfectly reflects the way jae feels on the inside. it’s both relatively gray and cold and it gives him the feeling of anxiety that he can’t explain even to himself. he keeps tossing and turning in bed in hopes to fall asleep again, but for some reasons he feels cold even after stealing brian’s blanket. being alone in bed scares him today; he doesn’t know if it’s because of the nightmare or some other inner reasons that his brain won’t tell him about, but he is sure about one thing – he won’t be able to get through it alone.

he gets up with the blanket still wrapped around him and literally waddles into their living room looking like a tiny lost penguin. brian, who’s been writing lyrics and was probably listening to one of his new songs on the phone, looks up from the notebook and almost drops the pen at the sight.

“wow. good morning,” he manages to say once jae is sat on his lap, notebook put to the side.

“what time is it?” jae blinks, blinkblinks at him with a puzzled expression. he is sure that it’s still morning, but that is all.

“uh…i don’t really know,” brian admits with a chuckle. “should be around eleven.”

“i didn’t even hear you get up.”

“it was a while ago,” kang replies with a slight blush on his cheeks, but jae chooses not to question it.

“you have any plans for today?” he asks instead.

“i don’t think so,” brian says after thinking for a moment. “for the very late evening, maybe.”

“i’ve been thinking about something yesterday… you know, after the show.”

brian hums in return, showing that he’s listening and asking jae to continue as he reaches his hand to bring the notebook back, the other hand still wrapped around jae’s waist. he looks through the pages, obviously trying to find something, and jae gets slightly confused when he catches not only lyrics written down on the beautiful light blue paper, but also doodles of different flowers – different shapes and colors. from what he knows, brian isn’t really into drawing, especially drawing flowers because it’s a tricky thing, but he just shrugs and gets back to the part where he was thinking about something yesterday. brian, despite being focused on adding new lines to the unfinished song, still listens to him very attentively, but somehow jae can’t find the courage to go on.

“hey, how many unreleased songs do you even have?” he asks suddenly, totally ignoring the fact that he was supposed to say something different; brian looks surprised too, but pretends to be thinking (or, maybe, actually does).

“a lot,” he says with a slight frown. “maybe more than i can think about since i barely release half of them, but i still can’t stop writing, you know? as long as i feel inspired by anything, i always try to write it down.”

“are there by chance any flowers related songs?” jae tries, even though he knows how protective brian can be over his unreleased songs.

“well, you could say that,” brian replies with a smile and jae gets a bit hopeful, but then he adds “but you’ll have to wait for a bit to hear them. now, where were we?”

“right. since everyone finally knows that we’re a couple, they may get curious about the details. i mean, we’ve been teasing them for so long, but they still got no actual clue until the moment you kissed me right on that stage,” jae’s cheeks turn pink when he mentions that; brian likes it so much that he can’t resist kissing those cheeks.

“yeah, so what do you suggest? i’m down for anything unless it’s babysitting wonpil because, you know, he’s old enough to solve his problems without our help and he doesn’t have anything to do with our relationship.”

“what on earth made you think that i’d say anything about wonpil?” jae asks in disbelief, trying hard not to laugh, but failing when brian simply shrugs his shoulders.

“come on, babe, you’re so random that you can, i don’t know, suddenly ask me to do wonpil’s makeup while holding your hand on camera, or something like that,” brian laughs too and that joke earns him a light punch on the shoulder. “i don’t have anything against wonpil, by the way, just in case.”

“how did you manage to hide this silly side of yourself for so long?”

“you were too busy kissing me with your eyes closed to notice that,” brian teases him back.

“so that’s how you talk now, huh,” jae narrows his eyes jokingly and, suddenly, brian’s expression changes to a serious one.

“wait, you’ve got something on your neck,” he says as he leans closer to examine it. “woah.”

“what is it?” jae asks impatiently, suddenly feeling anxious again, scared even.

“dunno, but let me get rid of it…”

as soon as he says that, finishing with a whisper, his lips come to touch the skin of jae’s neck. he kisses it once, twice, enjoying the way jae looks at him with his eyes wide open and cheeks fully crimson now, then presses one more kiss just to be sure and pulls away, chuckling at jae’s confused look. jae’s brain takes a while to process what has just happened, but then he starts giggling.

“did you just kiss my neck to shut me up?”

“but that worked, right?” brian winks at him and jae can’t help laughing again.

“it did. in fact, i wouldn’t mind if you did it one more time. maybe even more,” he winks back, leaving brian totally speechless. “but, back to the topic...”

“yeah, right, please continue,” kang lowers his voice and gets back to kissing the soft skin of jae’s neck. “i’m all ears.”

“hey, brian kang, stop it,” jae warns, but brian, being brian, just moves his lips down to jae’s collarbones.

“sorry for interrupting you,” is all he says before tracing the line of his collarbones with his tongue.

“uuugh, you’re such a fucking tease,” jae half-moans. “for real, stop that before i lose control.”

surprisingly, brian does listen to him this time and gets back to his previous position, the notebook back in his hands again. jae fixes his hair and gives his boyfriend a look before finally getting to the thing he wanted to share before… well, before it all started.

“what i was trying to say is… you know people are going to have questions, right? we can ignore that, but i’ve got an idea… whatdoyouthinkaboutfilmingaboyfriendtagvideo?” he blurts out suddenly.

“what?” brian asks with a frown, still trying to understand it, but quickly corrects his question after seeing jae’s slightly hurt expression. “can you say this again, baby?”

“i hate it when you use those pet names just to be sure that i’m not getting mad at you. how does that even work all the time,” jae mutters with a sigh, but he is clearly not mad, just like he said. “what do you think about filming a boyfriend tag video? never thought i’d get to make one, but here we are, i guess.”

“well, it sounds quite intriguing...”

“great!” jae says excitedly, not bothering to listen to the end of the sentence. “i’m not so into this kind of thing, just to be clear, so it’s not like i’ve ever watched others’ videos about that. i mean, i’m just as confused and inexperienced in that as you are, so we’ll have to figure it out together.”

“it’s okay,” brian laughs and his laugh brings a smile to jae’s face. “but first, i would like to finish writing this song while i still have the feeling caught for it, if you don’t mind. you can have breakfast while i’m at it, if you’re hungry, of course.”

“my goodness, are you for real? i mean, you got up this early and even made us breakfast?” jae asks, genuinely surprised.

“do you really have to sound this surprised after dating me for years,” brian rolls his eyes but the tips of his ears turn pink and he can’t hide it. “just go eat.”

“and do you really have to always act this bossy,” jae snaps back, but still gets up and does as told.

////

two hours later, when brian proudly announces that he’s finished the song and is now as free as a bird, when jae goes through the questions suggested by their fans and picks the most interesting ones (not without asking for brian’s opinion), they sit side by side in front of two cameras, both feeling a bit shy. somehow, jae doesn’t find it such a great idea anymore, but then he reminds himself about his own wish to be real and honest with the people around him, and gets back to his usual playful self. he looks through the comments again and his eyes stop at that one comment where his own tweet is sent with a request to explain the origin of the picture attached to it. he doesn’t really understand it at first, suddenly feeling dumb, but when he’s about to give up and just skip this question, it finally comes to him.

the tweet is simple enough – just his own way of announcing their relationship. in the picture you can see them holding hands, but that is all, nothing else is supposed to catch anyone’s attention, but then jae suddenly remembers the last selfie brian posted two weeks ago and almost starts giggling at how actually dumb he is. he gently taps brian’s shoulder, making the younger look at him curiously.

“i’ve just realized that we’d get caught quite soon anyway,” he says, showing him the picture. brian doesn’t seem to get it at first too. “i haven’t uploaded any of my new videos yet, but if you look at this picture you can see that it’s taken in the same house as your selfies. so, they’d be quick to guess that we live together anyway.”

“sometimes it honestly scares me so much,” brian admits with a sigh. “but it could be a lot worse, so i am actually thankful to have those exact people as our fans. i mean, they could follow us everywhere we go or do something worse, but they’re mostly quite kind and understanding.”

“yeah, not to mention that girl who chased you all the way to your hotel room,” jae snorts, but all in all he agrees.

instead of replying brian gets back to fixing his hair because “hey, why do i look so ugly right now” and after five minutes of watching him doing this jae gives up and comes to the rescue.

“there, you look perfect now,” he says half-teasingly, but he truly means it. “shall we start now?”

brian nods and lets jae begin; together they share their feelings about coming out as a couple and about having to hide it before. brian tells the story behind that kiss while jae expresses his gratitude for the fans who’ve stayed true to their words and kept supporting them even in such difficult situation. they don’t focus on it for too long, though, instead choosing to share their story through replying to as many questions as possible. it’s brian who reads the first question among those they’ve picked for the video.

“what is my weirdest habit?” he asks and jae’s mouth falls open at that; how is he supposed to remember and name it so quickly?

“ehh, i would say… that thing when you wake up on the opposite side of the bed. does that count as a habit?” jae both replies and adds more questions. “never mind. what’s mine?”

“of course it’s you talking in your sleep. for those who don’t know, he even replies to you if you try talking to him! and then he remembers nothing,” brian chuckles when jae smacks his shoulder to shut him up, the blush visible on his cheeks.

“okay, moving on, who was the first to confess? wait, i can say it myself, being all proud and honest, that it wasn’t me,” jae finishes with a giggle. “it was brian. youngk? ew, i can’t say it anymore, not when introducing him as my boyfriend. so, brian.”

“which nickname i like the most?”

“oh, wow, how am i supposed to know that!” jae whines, making brian laugh. “bribri?”

“yes, baby,” he winks at jae before moving to the next question. “am i a morning or a night person?”

“i’d say neither of them, to be honest. it depends on the day, but if i really had to choose, i’d say that you’re more of a morning person?” jae says, but it sounds more like a question than an answer. “god damn, i feel like i know absolutely nothing about you.”

“well, why, you kinda guessed it right? my everyday life is just as hectic as my working days, so i don’t have a real schedule anymore. i work whenever i have time, same with sleeping. but i do like the morning atmosphere when i don’t have to go anywhere and can just spend it doing stuff for myself, like cooking or writing lyrics in silence.”

“let me get you an interesting one, i’m honestly so excited for it,” jae says as he wiggles his eyebrows, making brian snort. “when we weren’t together yet, and considering that you confessed first, could you tell that i liked you? if yes, then what exactly made you think so?”

brian thinks for a moment, but then he smiles fondly and nods before replying.

“yeah, that was quite easy to see. when we first met, you were very bright and loud, everything about you literally screamed that you were outgoing and friendly. with time though, you became quiet and somehow very attentive around me, you would keep silent and just listen to me or give me a shy smile instead of laughing along. of course, it wasn’t something happening on a daily basis, you’ve tried not to show it, but the way you were constantly checking me out or looking at my lips was making it very, very obvious.”

“oh, wow,” jae almost whistles. “that’s honestly a new thing to me, i don’t think we’ve ever discussed it before, huh. why do you think i didn’t confess first if i liked you this much?”

“wasn’t it my turn to ask you?” brian laughs, but he doesn’t mind. “leave this to your subscribers, they’ll tell you in a moment. right, guys?”

“yeah, that’s fair,” jae says with a pout because it’s easy to guess. “now shoot.”

“when did you realize that you loved me? not just liked, but, you know, that deep thing. if you do, of course,” he smiles teasingly and jae suddenly wants to kiss the life out of him just to prove that he does.

instead, though, he pretends to be thinking even though he doesn’t need to. you could wake him up in the middle of the night and ask this question – he would still give an answer in a heartbeat.

“it was after our first kiss, a few months after we started dating. you were working in the studio that wasn’t even here, but, like, two hours away? that night you weren’t so busy and we had some time to chat, but something happened and triggered my brain, so i had a heavy panic attack. i was alone in my apartment and i only had you to calm me down, but instead of just calling me, which you did too, you drove through the night, you came back to the city just to hold my hand and kiss my tears away. at that moment i realized that no one would ever love me like you. and, i guess i’m editing it out.”

“don’t you dare!” brian warns before suddenly grabbing the hem of his shirt and tugging him closer to give him a kiss. “but that you can edit out.”

“no need to,” jae giggles. “consider this my revenge for keeping that confession in the video.”

“i love you,” brian mouths and it has jae’s cheeks turning pink once again. “another good question for you to answer. it’s addressed to both of us, like, do we steal clothes from each other, but i guess you have a lot more to say about that.”

“i do steal bri’s shirts quite often because i can’t resist. he says i look cute,” jae pouts again and brian wishes he could kiss it away. well, he does. “and he sometimes steals my hoodies because they’re big enough to fit an elephant. another great one, how did we manage to hide our relationship for so long and how much time have we actually been together? elaborate, kang.”

“we’ve been dating for about two years and a half. at first there was nothing much to hide, you know, we didn’t kiss in public, we didn’t kiss at all at first, and then it just worked out somehow. jae pretended to be my fan, so all our interactions could be seen this way, but we had to be careful, though, of course, sometimes it was very difficult.”

“i didn’t pretend, i have always been your biggest fan,” jae points out. “you have amazing songs and you’re beyond talented, so why can’t i be both your boyfriend and your fan? that brings us to a very logical question, how do i feel about public displays of affection and what do i like more, kissing or cuddling?”

“well, i guess now you’re positive about that, but you didn’t seem to mind it before as well. and about your preferences, i would say that it depends on your mood, cause when you’re sleepy you’d rather just cuddle or sleep on my lap or shoulder, but when you’re in a bright mood, you’re always up for both. i like sleepy kisses, though.”

the last part is barely a whisper and jae rolls his eyes at that, knowing perfectly well that this part definitely needs to be edited out – it’s way too personal, or at least so he thinks.

“what is the most difficult thing to love about me?” brian quickly reads the next question when he sees that jae is embarrassed.

“dude, you’re hella annoying!”

“excuse me, what?” brian can’t help laughing. “okay, maybe you’re right, that i am. as for you, well, you probably already know it guys, but jae often forgets to leave his stress and bad mood behind before going somewhere. so, for example, he fights with someone and gets to our date still feeling annoyed or even angry, and he isn’t so careful about showing that. but it’s a very tough thing to control.”

“i’m working on it, really,” jae bites his lower lip and looks a little bit lost. brian gently strokes his back to show him that it’s all okay. “nobody’s perfect. oh, very fitting here: how often do we fight, what do we do to avoid it and how do we deal with it if we do fight?”

“we do our best to avoid fighting and have a rule of not yelling at each other, no matter how heated it gets. sometimes this rule is a bit difficult to follow, especially when there’s too much going on, but it’s been very helpful so far. we also try to solve the problem before the day ends because we don’t want to bring negative emotions to our future.”

“what’s the longest time you’ve stayed mad at me?” jae asks teasingly, making brian groan. “you see, he doesn’t even want to even mention this.”

“okay, our heaviest fight lasted for two weeks, but it was a tough period of my life, so i acted like an ass. it happens to everyone, doesn’t it?”

“right,” jae purrs, leaning closer and resting his head on brian’s shoulder. “just wanted you to be honest about it. nowadays we don’t fight often, but it still happens, so we usually try to calm down and then discuss the situation. it’s nothing that any other couple hasn’t been through, so i don’t think there are any more things to add, though our dear mister kang loves it very much to solve the problem through kisses. not that i can say no to that, though, so it’s his favorite method.”

“someone asked if we would like to go on a trip together and, if yes, then where it would be. we’ve actually talked about it about a month ago, there’s a possibility that jae will go with me on tour when there is one, but if we talk about our personal trips, then we have quite a few destinations in mind.”

“iceland!” jae almost yells excitedly. “and some other countries, because brian is all about traveling. next question! what was our worst date? the one where i ate something i was allergic to without noticing it.”

“okay, it’s fair to talk about our best date as well then, but i think we may have different opinions? for me it’d be the one when we went stargazing together.”

“i’d say every other except for the one with allergies,” jae says without thinking about it much. “how does it feel to find your soulmate? well, it’s the best feeling in the world, definitely.”

“it is interesting that many guys are asking questions about our, well, more private life. let’s just answer two of the most popular ones, because they’re just general questions. okay?”

“yeah, fine,” jae just shrugs because it’s not like he’s ashamed or embarrassed to talk about it. “i’m quite bad with dates and time in general, but i guess our first sex happened four or five months after we started dating. but i think i know why they asked this question, so…guys, you don’t have to listen to anyone, it’s your choice. two weeks, five months, one year – it fully depends on you and your partner, so don’t be afraid to discuss it.”

“it’s not like we discussed anything,” brian points out with that sly smile that jae both loves and hates.

it somehow feels like they’re not just answering questions, but more like they’re trying to reveal as many dirty details about each other as possible, but jae still enjoys doing it. the only problem is that brian has always been better at this, but that is okay, he looks like a fox for a reason.

“that’s why i’m telling them to do the talking!” jae snaps back with a pout. “anyway, go on and have fun with the second question since you’re that smart. give us scientifically proved reasons for that and don’t forget to submit a paper by the end of this week.”

“you’re very bad at trying to make me mad, baby,” brian starts cooing when jae is back at it with another pout. “there’s nothing to say though? i mean, if you really want me to explain it, because it just happened naturally. wait, don’t get me wrong guys, that is something we _did_ discuss…”

“oh my god, you’re so bad at this,” jae finds it difficult to hold back laughter. “the world won’t end if you say it out loud.”

“i was just trying to find a proper way to say it, but okay, let it be like this – jae’s the bottom in our relationship. to be honest, i wasn’t even surprised when you told me that you preferred to let go of all control, i don’t know, it’s just so obvious when people look at you? oh, and please edit this out, it’s not very appropriate to go so deep on your pg-channel.”

“please, it isn’t pg at all, but you’re right. okay, i think we’ve answered enough, there’s a few nights of editing for me now! let’s finish it with your baby picture.”

“why me?” brian asks, puzzled.

“because it’s my channel and i was actually supposed to introduce you to my subscribers. but since they all know you too well already we’ve just answered some of their questions; still, it doesn’t change the fact that we need to show your picture.”

when jae turns those cameras off and silence fills the room brian feels a sudden wave of tiredness. the fact that he hasn’t really slept at night is finally showing; jae notices it too and looks at him with concern in his bright eyes. brian brushes it off with a fake wide smile but he still can’t fool jae who ruffles his hair affectionately and leaves a feather-like kiss on his forehead.

“you should sleep,” he whispers, lips now just inches away from kang’s own. “sorry it took us this long.”

“i’m fine,” he says back, lips almost brushing against jae’s, but there’s still some space between them; he likes it this way – feeling jae’s warm breath this close, but not there yet. “remember i told you i had plans for the evening? sungjin’s coming soon.”

“oh?” jae is surprised, but he still keeps it quiet.

“he was invited to participate in a korean show, not sure which one, and he needs to rearrange one old korean song for it, but he’s struggling with some guitar and bass lines, so i’m going to help him if it’s possible.”

“he’s moving to korea?” jae looks worried all of a sudden; he doesn’t even know sungjin that well though?

“not sure, so i won’t lie. he might be moving to korea at some point, he’s always had this korean spirit, but he’s going to spend a few months there before making any further decisions,” brian replies and he can’t resist stealing a quick kiss from jae’s plump lips.

“you didn’t sleep at night, did you?” jae knows him too well and though he chuckles when brian leans in for another kiss, though he lets brian deepen it, he still pulls away quickly, demanding an answer.

“i promise i’ll go to bed early tonight,” he says and almost whines when jae doesn’t let him get one more kiss but instead gets up and makes his way to the door.

sungjin waves at him like an awkward tiny bear who’s met a human being for the first time in his life; jae chuckles and lets him in. when sungjin sees brian, he raises an eyebrow as if trying to ask something, but brian just shrugs his shoulders and invites him to the living room, then hurries to the bedroom where he left his guitar yesterday. and so they’re left alone in the room, strange silence filling the already heavy air, making them both feel embarrassed. the korean spirit, yeah, something that jae can never understand in sungjin despite being korean-american himself.

“so brian finally gathered enough courage to ask you to move here?” sungjin asks, but all jae sees is how his eyebrows literally dance while he’s talking; a talent he’s never truly seen before – funny.

“yeah, didn’t he tell you though?” jae asks back with a slight frown on his face.

“maybe he did, but my memory is quite bad,” sungjin laughs. “it was very brave of you to come out like that, kissing on stage.”

“i wasn’t expecting this, so you can’t really say that i was brave,” he says shyly and at that moment brian comes back with his guitar and notebook for lyrics, saving them both.

“you could still do something to stop it if you were afraid,” sungjin points out and jae thinks he’s right, but doesn’t say it out loud.

“i guess i’ll go bother wonpil while you’re busy with your korean stuff,” he suggests and smiles when brian nods, saying that it’s a good idea (as if he wasn’t against babying wonpil just a few hours ago).

“i sense a betrayal here,” sungjin half-jokes, but his face is serious. “you weren’t supposed to mention this, kang bra.”

“but that’s jae!” brian protests, though gives up quite soon. “alright, sorry, but he already knows it and you can’t just erase his memory, you know?”

“i’m still here by the way,” jae mentions quietly, giggling at how childish their bickering is. “but i guess i gotta get going… not to ruin your creative process and stuff…”

he quickly texts wonpil telling him to buy some ice-cream and find something nice to watch while he’s on his way, then grabs his keys and is all ready to step out of the house when sungjin’s sudden “ah!” stops him. he turns around with a puzzled expression and does his best not to laugh when sungjin smiles at him almost apologetically.

“i completely forgot that i met jimin on my way here! she was about to call you, but instead asked me to tell you that she’s planning to hold a halloween party this weekend. and, obviously, you’re both invited.”

“are you coming too?” brian asks teasingly, but, to his surprise, sungjin nods.

“i’d like to. it’d be nice to have some fun.”

“please don’t wear that ugly pumpkin dress this time,” kang almost begs and jae makes a mental note to ask him about it later. “hey, jae, make wonpil come too, i bet it’s going to be a great party since it’s jimin who holds it. i’ll try to get dowoon there too.”

he winks as he says the last sentence and jae knows exactly what he’s implying here, so he nods with a mischievous smile before finally leaving the house. alright, halloween it is, he thinks to himself and only then realizes that they only have a few days to get ready. well, jimin was never good at announcing thing beforehand in the first place, so he’s kind of used to it now, but the real question is what character to dress up as and it haunts him all the way to wonpil’s apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you have any costumes/characters in mind that you think would suit someone perfectly, don't hesitate to let me know! :) i do have some in mind, but since the halloween chapter is probably going to be just as long as this one there's still so much time to add more or change something hehe
> 
> also i guess the next update is probably coming your way in the first week of october, sorry about that, but i have a special oneshot planned since, errrr, july-august, maybe some of you will enjoy reading it as well :)  
> until then, peace! <3


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello there!  
> i am back! first of all, thank you for being so kind and understanding, for expressing your support and love. i am so happy you're enjoying the things i write, this is exactly what i so desperately needed to hear. secondly, i know this chapter sucks because: it was supposed to be different, like, in every single aspect, but we have what we have, so please don't judge me too much for this word vomit, i will try to do better next time. thirdly, it will be split in two chapters, but this time i won't say anything about when i am going to write the next one because... uni is becoming a trashcan full of trash aka homework, tests and exams are coming soon and i've lost the desire to live plus i'm not getting enough sleep, sooo... let's hope i will be able to do it some time soon! and besides, it took me like a week to finish this chapter because i couldn't find the words (but i DID want to!!!), so it's not only about my free time, but this too...
> 
> anyways, i hope you still enjoy it despite it being one of the worst chapters of this work :D  
> hope y'all are doing well 365247!!!

“are you sure this is the right place?” jae asks when they reach their destination.

brian, who was busy parking the car and locking it afterwards, finally looks up and can’t hold back a light chuckle.

“what’s the matter?” he asks jokingly, because it is indeed the right place. “are you scared?”

jae shakes his head with a pout, but his shoulders are trembling slightly (even if it’s barely visible) and he can’t hide it from someone who probably knows him better than anyone else. he takes another look at the house that is definitely jimin’s place, yet looks more like either an abandoned or a haunted house. the fact that there are lights on inside doesn’t really help because from the outside it looks as creepy as an old house from those horror movies jae is so scared of watching.

“it’s supposed to just be a bit spooky, not scary,” jae replies, still hesitant to take even one step towards the house.

brian sees how tensed his boyfriend is, but decides not to do anything just yet, instead letting him adjust to the atmosphere in hopes that things will get better eventually. after all, it was mostly jae’s idea to actually go to jamie’s party – though he surely isn’t as excited and happy now as he was just a few days ago when they were looking for some nice yet not very cliché outfits (of course, ending up being as cliché as possible – with jae dressed up as a mummy and brian pretending to be an old but handsome vampire).

“i can assure you that it looks better inside because jamie was a bit lazy to decorate every single room, so if you feel too scared you can just go to her bedroom. she wanted to keep it clean.”

“excuse me, but where did you get this information?” jae asks, curiosity written all over his face, sounding somewhat offended.

surprisingly, brian looks away and chews on his bottom lip for a few seconds before opening his mouth again.

“well, you see, i helped her decorate everything. i have no idea why she asked me of all people, but now i know more about this party than anyone else. not that there is much to know anyway, though,” he adds quickly upon seeing jae’s confused expression.

“you’re only making everything difficult,” jae says with a sigh but still takes brian’s hand and lets himself be led to the front door. “now that i know you are responsible for all this, i feel like… i feel like i have to be extra careful and always use a mirror, you know, like in harry potter.”

“if anything bad happens that i am aware of and you’re not – i am to blame, but i can promise you we’re not planning to reenact anything in our reality, so the only thing you should be afraid of is, well, other people’s costumes. i can’t predict how many clowns and ghosts we’re going to meet today, so brace yourself.”

“shut up!”

“there’s only one way to find out, right?” brian laughs when jae punches his shoulder. “come on, it’ll be fun, and if it’s not, we can always leave. think about wonpil.”

mentioning wonpil seems to be the right thing because jae’s face lights up with a smile and suddenly he is the first one to enter the house; he knows that his best friend needs all the support and encouragement he can get today because he decided to finally talk to dowoon about what happened back in september on jae’s birthday party. jae’s been trying to get him to do it ever since he saw wonpil with his eyes red from crying and his beautiful face swollen from all the sleepless nights he spent thinking about that random kiss, but it took a lot of time and many (heated) discussions to actually persuade him to man up. now that it’s finally happening jae can’t miss it.

however, his excitement dies down as soon as he looks around and only sees lots of unfamiliar faces because, first, wonpil is nowhere to be found despite the promise he made, and second, he clearly remembers that jamie told him she wasn’t planning to have a big party – only a few people. “a few people” by her standards turn out to be at least forty guys and girls of different age and jae doesn’t like this idea at all, so he holds onto brian’s hand as if his life depends on it and refuses to let go even when kang complains about his hold being too tight.

“where is he?” jae asks desperately, but brian isn’t listening – he is too busy trying to find a familiar face.

sure, spending the whole party with jae isn’t a bad idea, but they could’ve just stayed at home and spent the night the way they wanted, not others surrounding them, if they actually wanted to have their privacy, not fun. besides, sungjin and dowoon were supposed to come as well, so maybe they just hid somewhere? when jae doesn’t get a reply he gives up and joins brian; together they walk around the house in hopes to at least find jamie until they suddenly bump into a very confused sam. jae almost squeals from joy, but sam doesn’t seem that eager to talk to them, instead just waves awkwardly and tries to run away quickly, but jae catches his wrist just in time, not letting him escape.

“what the fuck, sam?” he asks with a frown and his expression is darker than the night creeping over the city.

brian shushes him, but it’s too late – he won’t stop now; sam already looks guilty as if he’s been caught doing something really bad. he blushes and simply gestures somewhere instead of saying anything. jae, however, can’t understand what he means no matter how attentively he follows those hand movements; truthfully, not even brian who has undeniably better eyesight can decipher the message, so eventually sam is forced to talk, much to his displeasure.

“you won’t just let me go?” is the first thing he says and, even though it sounds more like a child asking his mother to let him hang out with friends, to say that jae looks upset upon hearing that would be an understatement.

“can’t you just tell me what’s wrong? am i unwelcome here?”

“it’s just- wait, what?” sam sounds genuinely surprised, but it somehow makes jae even sadder.

“come on, just say it,” he presses despite sam shaking his head, denying all of it. “i was hoping to have fun, but most of my friends didn’t even show up tonight, jamie didn’t care to at least text me and now you act like you don’t know me.”

“jae-” brian still tries to make him calm down by putting his hand on jae’s shoulder, but jae shakes it off.

to be honest, he doesn’t really understand what exactly caused such a sudden change in his mood – it could be anything, but even though he does feel bad for acting so annoyed out of the blue, it doesn’t stop him from bombarding sam with more unexpected questions. sam, who doesn’t get a chance to say anything because he is too afraid of interrupting jae when he’s upset, just stands there with his mouth open, having a silent conversation with brian. brian shrugs his shoulders as if trying to say that he has no idea what’s going on and doesn’t touch jae anymore, instead keeping a respectful distance (mostly because he doesn’t want to be yelled at as well, he knows jae is going to regret it later, so why trigger him even more than he already is).

“i was never a social butterfly, so even being here is already a big thing for me…”

this is when brian finally gets it – jae isn’t angry, isn’t annoyed, no. he mentally slaps himself for not understanding it earlier and for letting go of jae’s hand because the reason for this behavior was so easy to guess – he is nervous, not only because this is a halloween party with creepy decorations and even creepier outfits, maybe not even because of it at all, but because of so many people he doesn’t know. brian is sure deep inside jae understands they don’t care about him at all, but this isn’t how it works – he probably thinks everyone is looking at him, judging and saying bad things, laughing at him behind his back.

“woah, woah, jae, please calm down, it’s nothing like that,” sam finally interrupts him and this time jae listens patiently. “i don’t know about jamie and others, but i just have to be somewhere else right now… remember when matt told everyone i had a crush on someone?”

jae nods, not really understanding where it is going, but feeling almost relieved. brian gathers enough courage to wrap his arms around jae’s waist and smiles when the older doesn’t protest, but even leans back a little.

“you see, that guy is over there, waiting for me… and i really have to go, but if it wasn’t the case i would stay and hang out with you. it’s just… i like him a lot, so i don’t want to miss my first and probably last chance to spend some time with him, more or less privately. there, i said it.”

“couldn’t you just say it five minutes ago?” brian asks with a quiet chuckle. “we’re not like matt, we wouldn’t make fun of you for wanting to be with someone you like, but instead you chose to complicate everything.”

“yeah, sorry,” sam mumbles, the tips of his ears turning red. “i’ll see you guys later.”

he doesn’t stay not even for one more second and quickly disappears somewhere among different monsters before they even get a chance to wish him good luck. jae sighs, saying something about how much he hates everything and everyone in this world, and brian can’t think of anything that would be better than kissing the crown of his hair. jae almost purrs at that small action and for a moment they both forget that they’re actually surrounded by many people and that they’re supposed to be socializing. that is until someone calls brian’s name from behind their backs. it is unexpected and very confusing for jae because he was sure brian didn’t know anyone at this party as well, but kang looks surprised in the happiest way as he turns around, facing that someone.

 _“sir, may i take your cloak?”_ a tall guy dressed as a corpse bride asks for the second time.

“terry?!” brian nearly screams and pulls the guy (terry) in for a hug. “now that was unexpected! how come?”

“long story,” terry laughs awkwardly, but jae sees that he just doesn’t want to talk about it when he’s around; it makes him frown. “won’t you introduce me to your friend first?”

“that’s not just a friend,” brian replies and jae feels that familiar warmth rising in his chest. “have you been in a cave for those three years or what? everyone knows that jae is my boyfriend.”

“yeah, sorry, life was quite tough, so i really feel like a caveman.”

terry smiles at them almost apologetically and by the way his eyes shine jae understands that the problem doesn’t lie in him, there is something deeper than that, something brian’s friend (ex-friend? old friend?) doesn’t want to discuss at all. or, maybe, just not now. whatever it is, jae knows that it isn’t what he wants to talk about after so many years of not seeing his friend, so he lightly pinches brian’s arm, as if not on purpose, and tries to change the topic. it’s no surprise that terry’s smile turns bright once again as soon as he suggests celebrating halloween together with a few beers and he mentally praises himself for being so good at reading people (if only it worked with all sorts of people… life would’ve been so much easier).

“well then, you go ahead and have fun, i don’t feel like being the third wheel in your reunion,” jae says with a quiet laugh.

terry nods, obviously thankful, but brian doesn’t let go and looks at him in confusion. sure, jae is shy around new people, sure, he may feel awkward, but whenever the choice was between brian’s friends and people he’s never seen before, he always chose the first option.

“are you sure?” he asks with a slight frown, still holding jae’s wrist. “i don’t want you to feel bad just because you don’t know terry. besides, it’s a great chance for you to finally get to know each other.”

“more like for him to know me,” jae replies with an awkward smile because he’s heard thousands of stories about terry before – they actually are the reason why he doesn’t want to talk to him just yet. “come on, i’ll find my own ways to have fun, and you have to tell your caveman friend all about your life.”

he finishes that with a wink, succeeding in making terry laugh, and lets out a sigh of relief when brian doesn’t keep pushing. kang doesn’t seem convinced at all but still lets jae win this time despite the fact that everything about him screams that he’s not being one hundred percent sincere right now. he makes jae promise that he’ll stay out of trouble, which jae does quite happily, and with that jae is left alone while brian and terry disappear somewhere in the kitchen.

jae curses himself for being so obviously _jealous_ absolutely out of the blue as he goes from one room to another only to be met with curious gazes and more unknown faces. he wonders where matt is and why wonpil still haven’t even texted him, but no matter how hard he tries to focus on the party his thoughts keep coming back to that one time when brian told him how he once almost confessed to terry a few weeks before the other moved to another country. he made it sound as if every guy would do that in a heartbeat and now that jae finally met terry in real life he sees that brian wasn’t lying (indeed, terry is very handsome, so it’s no wonder everyone fell for him at that time), but something about this story doesn’t let him fully calm down. it’s not that he thinks those teenage feelings have any chance of finding their way back to brian’s heart, but what if they find their way to terry’s heart?.. for some reasons not being able to find any of his friends at the party becomes the least of jae’s worries.

suddenly, his phone dings with a message, stopping him from entering yet another room. he freezes with one hand on the door knob, trying to fish the phone out of the bag (god, how much he misses his pockets – if only mummies could have pockets), and snorts upon noticing the message is from wonpil.

beauty princess (10:43 pm.)

_i’m running late_

_the car won’t start_

jae (10:44 pm.)

_you were supposed to be here almost an hour ago, huh?_

_what happened?_

beauty princess (10:46 pm.)

_i swear i set an alarm but it didn’t work so i_

_slept too much_

_sorry ;(_

_i really hope the party is fun which i assume it is not bc otherwise it would take you more than a minute to respond_

jae (10:52 pm.)

_yeah you could say that again_

_sam is busy trying to organize his love life and brian suddenly met terry_

_you remember him, right? brian’s old friend_

_so they’re currently drinking beer somewhere bc i decided not to disturb them_

beauty princess (10:55 pm.)

_bro really_

_anyway i’m with sungjin so we should be there soon_

_let’s hope dowoon makes it there earlier or later, i don’t want him to see me in the same car with sungjin_

_it’s already complicated enough_

jae (10:57 pm.)

_omg sungjin_

_please tell me he’s not a pumpkin_

beauty princess (10:58 pm.)

_???_

_he’s a pirate_

jae chuckles quietly at wonpil’s confusion and leaves him on read, finally entering the room. to say that he regrets it the very moment he opens the door is, well, to say nothing. the room turns out to be jamie’s bedroom: unlike the rest of the house, it’s not decorated at all, just like brian promised, and for a whole second jae believes that he found himself a place to stay at until wonpil comes to save him. but that is only for a second because then he hears someone breathing hard, as if having run a marathon, and then this someone moans quietly… in a strangely familiar voice. it takes jae everything to force himself leave the room without making any noise and, which is more important, without turning around, because he can easily tell that this voice belongs to matt. there, mystery solved, he seems to have been making out with someone (most likely a girl, judging by the second moan coming through the now closed door) for hours and jae definitely doesn’t want to know more than he is supposed to. at least now he knows that jamie’s bedroom isn’t as safe as he hoped for it to be (seriously, matt? of all places he chose his friend’s bedroom?), but is probably the most dangerous place in the whole house.

he sighs upon realizing this was the only remaining room for him to explore and that now he only has three options. first one is to stay here, sitting somewhere in the corner, and wait for wonpil to text him when he arrives. second is to go back downstairs and try to find brian and terry; jae erases this option from his mind as soon as he thinks about it – he’s not that pathetic yet. if he promised to find his own ways to have fun, then he will, and brian doesn’t really need to know that it’s one of the worst parties he’s ever been at – not because of jamie (though he still hasn’t seen her, not even for a second), but because his expectations were too high. he wanted this party to have a friendly atmosphere, to be a little bit creepy – just enough for his liking, wanted to have fun with his friends, but ended up literally alone in a house full of monsters, witches, fairies, superheroes and other unimaginable creatures. but since it was his idea he’s not going to complain about it. and lastly, his third option is to go back to exploring the house in hopes that one of the rooms is now free – which doesn’t seem like a good idea as well.

in the end jae accepts his failure and is already about to sit on the floor when the party takes a very unexpected turn. his phone buzzes again, notifying him about wonpil’s message, but he doesn’t really get a chance to check it as a very pale (well, even by vampires standards) brian kang suddenly almost bumps into him. jae opens his mouth, but doesn’t even need to ask the question because brian’s face says it all.

“what happened?” he still asks, unsure of what to think – brian looks like he’s about to cry.

“terry…” brian begins, but then freezes for a second, unable to continue, so jae has to shake his shoulder lightly.

“what, what, for god’s sake, tell me what happened!”

“terry- he’s gone. he… he disappeared.”

somehow, jae understands he doesn’t mean that terry left the party.

_“what?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave comments! <3


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw! attempted rape in the last part of the chapter.
> 
> hhhh i have no excuses but i really can't believe it's been a month again, eye- i really wanted to update it earlier, but i was so busy trying to pass the exam and so exhausted bc of extra 8 am classes that i even gave up on the old idea of finishing this work on christmas. instead it'll be with us for some time in 2020 too bc i decided to make it a bit longer - not really me, it just happened :D i will try to give you one more update this year with a longer note to sum up everything that's on my mind. 
> 
> i know i've been too undeserving of the wait, but thank you for doing so <3 your patience means a lot to me.  
> hope you enjoy the chapter even though it isn't really the brightest.

“what do you mean ‘gone’?” jae asks again because there’s a billion thoughts in his head right now and he is afraid of the possible answer to this question.

“just… gone,” brian replies quietly, refusing to meet his eyes. “we ran out of beer, so he volunteered to go to the basement because jamie told him there was some more and then he never came back.”

“you haven’t checked it?” jae already knows the answer by the way brian’s hands keep trembling slightly. he gulps. “could it be a prank or something?”

“no,” kang says faster than necessary; jae frowns for a second but decides it’s not the time to play sherlock. “i was too afraid to go after him because, when he went downstairs, i heard a strange sound… i was waiting by the door in case he would need help. i know i shouldn’t have left like that, but i figured i should tell someone about it first before going there myself.”

“it’s alright,” jae tries to calm him down, but brian seems to feel like the blame is purely on him, so he has to lean closer and leave a quick kiss on his forehead. “you did the right thing. if something bad happened for real, then you could get in trouble too. but we must hurry up now, terry needs us. just us is not enough though, i should ask matt for the help before telling anyone else.”

to say that he hates just the thought of having to enter jamie’s bedroom and probably not only seeing matt making out with that girl, but also seeing him naked and most likely having to interrupt whatever they’re doing right now is to say nothing, but it’s not like he has much of a choice. brian still looks a little bit lost and very much not sure if it’s a good idea, but jae smiles at him in hopes to cheer him up before he closes his eyes and knocks on the door. there is no answer, so he knocks once again and then enters the room slowly, coughing loudly as he steps inside.

“my eyes are closed, but there’s an emergency that requires your help immediately, yes, right now, so please get dressed or whatever, and help us.”

“dude you know you’re-” matt begins almost furiously, but jae never hears the end of that sentence because matt sees how serious he is and gets up with a loud sigh.

it’s quiet for the next few moments, only the sound of matt looking for his large hoodie audible in this heavy and awkward silence. jae feels uncomfortable and really wants to leave this party as soon as possible – get back to the softness and warmth of their bed and just cuddle with brian, but something tells him that the night is going to be longer than he’d like it to be. finding brian’s friend and solving the mystery behind that story doesn’t seem like an easy task, but it is so halloween-like, so creepy and strange that he wants to laugh and cry – in this particular order.

five minutes later matt finally puts on his pants and kisses the girl once again telling her that they should continue next time. jae chuckles when she whines back, very disappointed and upset as she didn’t succeed in getting laid tonight, but her voice sounds so familiar that it scares him for a second. he doesn’t have time to think about it, though, because matt coughs to get his attention and they finally, finally leave the room. he decides to ask about it later – if he’s still interested in his friend’s love life, which will probably not happen. hopefully won’t.

“so, what’s the emergency?” matt asks in a cheerful voice. “you need help hiding a corpse or something?”

“possibly,” is the quiet reply coming from brian’s lips and jae gasps upon hearing that. “my friend disappeared.”

they quickly explain the situation and jae enjoys watching how unbothered matthew remains throughout the story until said man begins laughing nervously when brian reaches the “strange sound part”. by the end of the story, though, he manages to get back to his calm and collected self and agrees to go and check the basement – but on one condition: the beer is all his. jae knows it’s a joke but the whole situation isn’t really meant for joking like this, so he gives matt a look asking him to shut up at least for a few minutes.

“i’d really appreciate it if you could keep your mouth shut at least till we find out what happened. i don’t want everyone at this party staring at us.”

“how can they not?”

eventually, jae has to pinch his wrist to actually make him shut up – god knows he never encouraged violence, but this is the only way to deal with matt’s never-ending chatter.

“any last words for me? maybe jae wants to confess his undying love? no?” matt shivers slightly under brian’s heavy gaze but keeps smiling – a good strategy, never works against jealous brian though. “alright then, i’m going in.”

he doesn’t hesitate and practically runs downstairs while jae and brian pretend to be chatting next to the basement door, protecting it from all the curious looks. “pretend” is the best word here because if jae was worried about terry before, now he’s terrified – the basement is quiet, no sign of matt or terry at all, and he starts thinking he sent his friend (a very good one, despite all of his annoying sides) to hell – or somewhere worse than hell. brian notices that and tenses too; he makes a move to take one of jae’s hands in his and opens his mouth to say something when-

“holy fuck!” they hear from the basement. “now it’s me who needs help here!”

unfortunately, they’re not the only ones to hear it: people quickly gather next to the door, exchanging worried looks and stupid jokes, but neither brian nor jae care about them anymore. it’s obvious now that the story couldn’t be kept in secret forever, so they simply rush to the basement, leaving those people behind to wonder what is going on – thankfully, no one is brave enough to follow them. jae starts feeling dizzy and fights the sudden urge to throw up the moment he sees matt kneeled next to terry’s body. he is unconscious, which isn’t a surprise per se, but what makes jae feel uneasy is the sight of blood: there are pieces of a broken bottle right under his palm, colored with blood mixed with the blue paint he used for his corpse bride make up. it’s not that jae is afraid of blood, it just always makes him feel uncomfortable as if he’s bleeding himself, and considering the circumstances it’s quite understandable. he wants to excuse himself right away, but he knows how much brian needs him right now, so he stays and even forces himself to come closer.

“i checked his pulse, he’s fine,” matt says quietly, but they’re too shocked to touch terry anyway. “earth to jaebri, are you still here? i need you to stay focused, he’s not dying, but we need to be quick now. jae, are you alright?”

jae only reacts when matt shakes his shoulder – careful not to scare him yet firm. he blinks a few times before nodding and quickly gets up, dusting off his costume.

“i can’t stand seeing his blood, that’s it,” he replies. “is there anything i can do that doesn’t require being next to him? i’m afraid i won’t make it any longer.”

and he is indeed almost shivering now, which doesn’t slip by unnoticed.

“you should go get some fresh air,” brian says, but it sounds more like an order even though his eyes are still glued to terry. “matt, can you please call the ambulance and find jamie as soon as possible? we need to find out if anyone could use that door over there from the street before disturbing the police because there is still a possibility of it being an accident.”

“how so?”

“i’m sorry i lied, jae, but it _was_ supposed to be a prank. i just can’t understand what exactly went wrong…”

jae isn’t mad – how can he be – but he just doesn’t quite believe what he hears. this night is a lot scarier than it seemed just a few minutes ago and as much as he’s afraid of going outside all alone fresh air does sound like a very good idea. he notices how brian’s hands are trembling and knows that even though his boyfriend pretends to be all calm and collected, there are still heavy storms in his heart right now. he knows brian needs him to stay, but at the same time he also knows brian doesn’t want him to stay, so he simply turns around and leaves the basement.

////

“so, why did you choose to dress up as a pirate?”

sungjin just shrugs his shoulders, eyes never leaving the road, and wonpil suddenly wants to jump out of the car – like in those cool movies – and walk on his own. it’s his fourth attempt to make sungjin talk – his fourth failed attempt. he can’t tell if sungjin is really that focused when driving or if he’s just ignoring him on purpose, but he knows for sure he can’t take it anymore. when his car refused to cooperate, he was happy to get a call from sungjin, but the more time he spent in sungjin’s blue car with no music on the more annoyed he became. it’s not that he doesn’t like sungjin or feels uncomfortable around him, but always talking without getting a single reply is a tiniest bit difficult even if you’re kim wonpil – famous for being able to initiate a conversation with anyone in the world, even the deaf-mute girl who at first decided he was making fun of her. but that is another story, because he is currently trapped – that’d be the best description – and has absolutely no idea what to do.

he wouldn’t be called kim wonpil if he gave up this easily, though, so he tries again, but this time he is sure he’s going to make sungjin talk because-

“i know you don’t really care about me getting offended, but how long are you going to ignore me? we’re in the same car and we’re supposed to talk!” he begins angrily and that almost makes sungjin chuckle, but he controls his expression well enough. “what?!”

“we don’t really have to talk,” sungjin finally says, making wonpil raise an eyebrow.

“but we’re not strangers, we’re going to the same party and we also have same friends, so why can’t we-”

“i’m moving to korea soon. i’m not sure when exactly because there are still things to do here,” is all wonpil hears back.

he sighs and thinks – for the first time in a while – that this case is hopeless and it’s better to give up.

“i don’t understand you.”

this time sungjin actually does chuckle and even looks at him for a second before turning his attention back to the road. wonpil, however, notices the sadness behind this chuckle and bites on his lower lip, unsure of what to do or say next.

“of course you don’t,” the awkward conversation goes on; sungjin doesn’t seem to find it as awkward though.

“elaborate,” wonpil frowns – it’s a lot more difficult than talking to dowoon. less pleasant as well.

now it’s sungjin’s turn to sigh.

“i like you, wonpil, i honestly do. you’re special, unique, unlike all the others. you may not notice that, but you don’t even need to do anything to catch people’s attention. you are who you are, you never try to hide it, and that’s something i really admire, but we both know i don’t have any chances because you like someone else. i want you to be happy, but i don’t want to suffer because of you too, and not talking to or about you is the best way to forget you. we’re here.”

wonpil gets genuinely surprised when the car stops suddenly, revealing jamie’s really well decorated house. for a second he catches himself wondering who did such a good job, but then his mind gets back to processing what he’s just heard. sure, he was aware of the crush sungjin had on him, but knowing it and hearing it directly from him are two different things. he slowly gets out of the car, still shocked, and doesn’t fully control himself when he catches sungjin by his wrist and pulls him in for a hug. sungjin’s eyes widen at that, but he still hugs wonpil back, hiding his face in the crook of his neck.

“you’re a wonderful man and you deserve to be happy too. i’m sorry i can’t return your feelings, but i am very glad you understand me. i hope you’ll hit big in korea and that one day we’ll be able to meet with a smile and no regrets about the past. good luck,” he ends up whispering and gives sungjin a quick kiss on the cheek before running towards the house.

sungjin takes a deep breath and counts to ten to calm himself down. red as a tomato, he follows wonpil’s steps, but instead of going upstairs he chooses to hide in the crowd… which leads him to the basement.

none of them notices dowoon’s sad gaze as he parks the car next to sungjin’s.

////

wonpil hurries to the place where jae is supposed to be waiting for him and expects to find him sulking, so he quickly tries to come up with several more excuses that will warm his friend’s heart, but to his surprise jae is not there. and so isn’t brian or any of the people he knows at this party. with a sigh, he takes a few steps towards jamie’s bedroom door and stands still for what feels like minutes before finally knocking shyly, unsurely. silence is what greets him, so he knocks once again, but to no avail. something (common sense, but, according to jae, he really lacks it) tells him that it makes no sense to keep knocking on the door that doesn’t want to open, but he still does it again and then enters the bedroom, shocked at his own courage.

jamie’s bedroom, however, is empty and looks pretty much normal compared to the rest of the house, but it doesn’t make wonpil feel any better. he bites his lips nervously and starts playing with the hem of his sky blue shirt trying to figure out what could possibly happen to jae’s promise – and wonpil is more than sure jae promised to wait, no, he’s not just sure, he’s got the evidence! oh, right, the chat!

kimpil (11:38 pm.)

_hey??_

_i’m in jamie’s bedroom upstairs_

_where are you?_

_is everything okay?_

_are you mad at me for being late? :c_

jae doesn’t reply, more so, he doesn’t even read the messages, even though wonpil is sure he’s heard soft buzzing of his phone. that can only mean two things – he’s either too busy (and maybe not in a good way, but wonpil tries not to think about it) or ignoring him just like sungjin did in the car. whatever it is, there is no way for him to find out right now, so he gives up and sits on the edge of jimin’s huge and for some reasons messy bed. he has a feeling that something was about to happen on that bed not long ago, but doesn’t want to think about it and instead opens the chat with dowoon. it’s not really a chat because it’s empty and dowoon doesn’t even know that it’s him (because he changed his number quite recently), so he thinks for a while, aggressively biting his lips until there is a taste of blood suddenly filling his mouth. he hisses in pain, but even that doesn’t stop him from biting the soft flesh while he types and erases the messages. fifteen minutes later he gathers enough courage to press “send” button. unlike jae, who still hasn’t checked his messages, dowoon reads the chat the very minute wonpil sends the message.

kimpil (12:04 am.)

_hey dowoon! it’s wonpil, hope you remember me^^ jae told me you were coming to the party tonight and i figured it’d be a great opportunity to talk about something i really wanted to discuss. so… you coming tonight?_

wonpil finds himself in mixed feelings, soft fabric of jamie’s bedsheets held tightly between his fingers, when he sees that his messages are left on read. it doesn’t get easier when dowoon starts typing something, then erases it and gets back to writing. it feels like they’re playing some kind of a game, but what will the winner get in the end? he doesn’t have a chance to get too deep into thinking about it, though, as dowoon finally sends a reply.

dowoonie (12:08 am.)

_hi. yes i’m already here, but the party doesn’t seem like one? or is it a concept? anyways, no one is happy to see me, but mostly because they’re too busy discussing something that happened down in the basement, i think? and yes, we can talk if you want to. i thought you’d be with sungjin though? where can i find you?_

kimpil (12:10 am.)

_jamie’s bedroom, second door to the left upstairs_

dowoonie (12:12 am.)

_ok got it_

wonpil suddenly realizes that it’s his last opportunity to rehearse the speech he prepared beforehand with jae’s help, so he throws his phone on the bed carelessly, not even thinking about where it lands, and gets up. he crosses the small room once, twice and doesn’t stop talking not even for a second.

“you see- well, of course you saw, that i liked you from the very first second we met, but i just never knew how to bring it up- no, that’s not it. i was too shy and scared of being rejected, so i never brought it up and admired you from afar- i know how stupid it sounds, but please listen to the end because it is very important for me. wait, why did he mention sungjin?”

“i saw you two together,” wonpil hears behind his back and almost falls on the floor because of how sudden and scary it is, but dowoon is quick to catch him. “sorry, should’ve knocked.”

“how- just how much of that did you hear?” wonpil asks desperately, wets his lips unconsciously and winces upon feeling the pain.

dowoon’s ears turn red and no matter how embarrassed wonpil feels right now he can’t help but find that cute.

“most of it,” he says quietly and this time it’s wonpil’s turn to get pink. “but it seems like you’re not finished yet, so… don’t worry, you can turn around and keep talking if it’s too embarrassing for you to face me. i understand.”

“you know me so well already,” pil mutters with a shy grin and doesn’t expect it when dowoon returns the smile.

“everyone knows you’re unique and i think it’s okay to be yourself in every situation. it’s alright if you can’t express your feelings as openly as brian does.”

“says someone who is as red as a christmas sweater most of the time,” wonpil almost slaps himself for that stupid joke, but dowoon only giggles at that and nods.

maybe they’re soulmates, created just for each other? screw the speech.

“i like you,” he breathes out instead, all the prepared words long forgotten now. he doesn’t know where did this sudden courage come from, but he knows he has to catch it while it lasts. “a lot.”

silence. dowoon doesn’t reply, lets him get everything off his chest, but there isn’t anything more to say.

“i tried to forget you, but it’s a bit impossible, considering how married our friends are… i’d be fine if-”

“if it wasn’t for the kiss?” dowoon asks suddenly and wonpil is thankful for that because despite all the courage he would never be able to mention it, so he nods. “i don’t know why i did that. i just wanted to.”

“i know you were drunk, we both were, and it was just a game, but it made some kind of hope spark inside my chest, you know? yet you started to avoid me like a plague, and don’t you dare to interrupt me, i know i did the same, but this is why i finally decided to man up and discuss it all.”

dowoon chuckles nervously – this isn’t the wonpil he’s used to, no, it is another side of wonpil that he may be lucky to know better if only… if only what? dowoon knows what to do if someone tries to get into the concert hall without a ticket or an invitation, knows what to do if uncontrollable fans decide it’s time to make brian their trophy, knows what to do when his cats miss him too much, knows how to treat zitrone and what to talk about with jae, but this- this is something dowoon doesn’t know how to do. is he supposed to confess right now as well or should he let wonpil finish his improvised speech first? is it the right time to pull him in for a hug without saying anything or would it be too impolite? in the end he does something he thinks he’s best at: fucks it all up. or not really?

“but what about sungjin?”

idiot, he thinks to himself (and about himself), because how can a sane person think about someone else when their crush confesses their feelings? right, it’s yoon dowoon – one and only. wait, scratch that, he’s most definitely gone insane, but wonpil’s smile is so, so beautiful-

“it’s complicated,” wonpil admits and dowoon feels his heart beat somewhere in his stomach. “he said he liked me, but he wasn’t the first one who said it. jae told me there was something in sungjin’s eyes when he looked at me right after his concert, but i just… i never liked him that way, but i do like you. and you don’t have to like me back, i just…”

wonpil ends up whispering the last part because he has no idea what he’s “just”, but dowoon somehow seems to understand it and when he gently pulls pil in by the hem of that beautiful sky blue shirt and makes him sit on the bed, wonpil knows it for sure – they _are_ meant for each other.

“i do,” dowoon finally says it back and takes a deep breath before pressing a soft kiss on wonpil’s forehead. “i like you too.”

“can we try..?”

“…dating?”

they both laugh.

“i am afraid of what can happen if we keep finishing sentences for each other,” wonpil giggles happily.

“i think the worst thing that may happen is us giving our friends a real heart attack. speaking of which…”

“wait, wait a second, why are you dressed up as a… is it a _mosquito?_

dowoon, redder than any tomato in the world, shuts him up with a kiss. wonpil, dressed up as the most beautiful fairy, doesn’t mind – this time, he is sure, they both do what they want to.

////

fresh air does wonders to jae’s tired and confused brain. it’s almost midnight when he goes out, but the night is so warm and the air is so wonderfully tasty that he’s getting happier he managed to escape with each passing second. it’s not that he doesn’t care about the situation, of course he does: he feels sorry for leaving brian after seeing how difficult it is for him to pretend to be unbothered and he knows he should apologize later, but he hopes brian will be as understanding as he always is. he is worried about terry, is even more worried about brian’s state, but at the same time he can’t stand seeing blood this close and, what is even worse, hates being in everyone’s attention center. and tonight it is obvious that everyone’s attention is going to naturally be gravitated to those who are currently helping terry and trying to discover what caused this situation. in any event, jae thinks he did the right thing – brian better be worried about one person close to his heart than two, especially considering the fact that he can’t do much to help anyway.

he leans on the wall and lets out a quiet, barely audible sigh when his back touches sharp bricks. he never understood how some people could ignore this feeling because even on one especially heated night he couldn’t help but wince when brian not-so-gently pushed him up the nearest wall, too busy kissing his collarbones to notice that. those bricks weren’t even that sharp, he thinks with a stupid smile finding its way to his lips. he likes it here despite the uncomfortable feeling, likes how quiet and peaceful it is even though inside the house everything is turned upside down right now. he wonders if matt managed to find jamie (because it turned out no one has seen her since the beginning of the party, jae heard the people around him whispering in worry), and thinks about the reasons that made brian think that pranking him in the most stupid way would be funny. in a way, it is understandable and jae isn’t angry or anything, but only because that prank turned out to be something worse. if it all went according to the plan, he wouldn’t be mad, no, he would be furious because the pain he felt in his chest when he saw brian trembling can’t be described in words.

“no need to think about it now,” he reminds to himself quietly as he breathes in the night air.

he knows well enough that they will be the last ones to leave the party if it turns out that it wasn’t just an accident, but he also knows they will come to find him when it’s time to answer the police and doctors’ questions, so he lets himself relax and close his eyes for a while, enjoying the silence while it lasts. the lovely and much needed silence, however, only lasts for a few more moments because then jae hears someone’s quiet, careful yet easy to notice steps. he ignores it at first – why think about someone who went out to get some air just like he himself did, but opens his eyes immediately upon feeling someone’s clothed hand gripping on his wrist.

opening his eyes doesn’t help him recognize that someone – he could’ve just imagined this person with the same level of success. it’s a man dressed up as the legendary death – black cloak almost reaching the ground, black gloves to hide his hands and a black mask on his face, making visible only a pair of black eyes – highlighted with some really dark eyeliner. he smells of whiskey and cinnamon and jae wants to throw up when he feels the man’s hot breath on the skin of his neck. he gulps, making the man laugh – the laugh raspy, like a big dog’s barking.

“interesting…” the man whispers, lips only inches away from jae’s neck – for a second one crazy thought crosses his mind: too bad he never let brian mark him up like that; they never went past the collarbones. “they usually start screaming or whining right away. what makes you stay so quiet, sweetheart?”

jae doesn’t say anything back, but he knows his eyes tell the tale well enough – he isn’t that blind not to notice the knife in that stranger’s hand, almost touching his nape. if it wasn’t for the knife, he’d already do something – it’s not like he’s never heard about self-defense. this fight isn’t his to win unless he comes up with a way to distract that maniac, but until then it’s better to remain quiet and follow whatever he says.

“so pliant,” he murmurs and leans closer, this time actually touching jae’s skin with his lips.

“what do you want from me?” jae breathes out, silently praying that someone saves him – anyone.

“you,” is the obvious reply, but the man doesn’t hurry as if knowing that there’s no one to see them that late on a halloween night. “you’re so pretty, just like a doll. wanna play?”

“do i have any chances of winning?” jae asks quietly, careful not to piss him off, but still daring.

the man laughs again; jae feels the knife pressed to his neck and already knows the answer. he is doomed, but why isn’t he scared? he should be crying, begging for mercy, but all he thinks about is brian – brian, brian, his brian having to go through it as well. it’s not only about him suffering, though it scares the hell out of him, but the image of brian clenching his fists in order not to cry, the thought of seeing his lover as broken as he’s going to be when- if this is over scares him even more. he quickly forgets about it once the knife travels across his neck, sharp blade pressing just enough to leave a mark yet not a cut – threatening. alright, jae, this isn’t the time to think about brian, but about how to end this quickly, he tells himself, trying not to cringe too obviously when the man leaves a few sloppy kisses on his cheeks. 

“you’re so cute that i may not even kill you if you behave like a good boy,” jae tenses upon hearing that – can’t he just kill him?

“i wish people stopped calling me cute,” he pretends not to be scared.

“but you are cute, kitten. i wonder if you’ll stay as quiet as you are now when i take you raw. i bet you do this often?” his free hand travels south, down to jae’s butt.

“can you at least keep your knife away?” jae asks in a hopeful voice – the man must already be imagining him squirming under his touch, so this is his chance.

“i’m afraid i can’t,” jae can bet he sees the stranger smiling under his mask which he pulled back on. “i like to leave my signature.”

“you can leave your signature in jail once you’re arrested for attempted murder and rape,” someone says behind their backs, voice firm and angry.

jae doesn’t really register what happens in the next few moments, but when he regains the ability to think straight again the man is already lying on the ground, matt’s left foot on his back. the knife is on the ground too – jae is surprised the man didn’t kill him when he heard matt’s voice. in a second his legs betray him and he falls on the ground as well, as far away from the man as possible, curled up in a ball, hugging his knees and refusing to open his eyes. he doesn’t quite believe he stayed alive, that the stranger didn’t even touch him like he promised and was definitely planning to.

“hey, jae…” matt whispers quietly, not daring to kneel down next to him in case the man regains consciousness. “it’s over. it’s all over, i promise you. are you alright?”

“no,” is all he says – the weight of what happened has finally descended on his shoulders, nearly crashing him.

“he won’t touch you anymore,” matt tries again, but jae doesn’t even listen. he’s shivering. “you are safe now.”

“jae!” brian yells from afar and jae can almost feel the pain his voice is laced with. “jae!”

brian. _brian._ **brian.** his name alone is like a candle in the darkest room.

it only takes brian a few seconds to run to them, he kneels down right next to jae, but doesn’t dare to touch him yet, keeps the respectful distance that jae truly does need right now – from everyone else, not from him.

“jae, can i-” he doesn’t get to finish the question because jae throws himself at him, hiding his face in brian’s broad chest, holding onto his shoulders so tight as if his whole world was in those shoulders.

brian quickly picks him up from the ground and into his embrace and goes to where his car is parked without further hesitation. he knows jae is supposed to stay, knows he must tell about what happened, and he isn’t planning to drive home right now (even though it’s what they both desperately want), but he simply wants to protect his boyfriend, his everything from the curious and absolutely unnecessary looks. jae sits on his lap, hands wrapped around his neck, crying quietly – still shivering, but this time he isn’t even trying to hide it. brian gently strokes his back, lips pressed to jae’s temple.

“you’re safe now,” he repeats the same words matt has said a few minutes earlier, but this time jae wants to believe it.

he blindly reaches for brian’s hand and holds it tight, refusing to let go and only squeezing it tighter whenever kang makes the smallest moves. brian lets him cry; he doesn’t say anything anymore, just keeps on drawing small circles on his back and gently rocking them back and forth in hopes to calm jae down at least a little bit.

“i want to go home,” he feels jae saying more than he hears it. “can we please go home?”

he sounds so small, so desperate and so broken that brian doesn’t think waiting for the police to arrive is a good idea anymore. all he wants is to wrap jae in a blanket and never let go of him anymore, no matter what happens.

“can we please go home? please, bri?” jae repeats, this time looking up at him and it hurts to see how red his eyes are from the crying, how his lips tremble when he says it.

“yes, baby, we will go home if that’s what you want. you will have to let go of my hand,” he warns, but fakes a smile as soon as he sees jae’s eyes widen in fear. “trust me, i will keep you safe. can you do that, jae?”

jae does. he spends the next half an hour with his eyes closed and one hand on brian’s thigh instead. he is so lost in his own mind that he doesn’t notice how hard brian’s grip on the wheel is – his knuckles turn white, but he doesn’t show his feelings, fully focused on jae.

a candle, indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave comments, they are my biggest motivation to go on! thank you :3
> 
> if there are any european mydays, how was the ticketing? did you get what you wanted? i can't believe i'm going to see the boys so soon again :cc


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! this is, like i promised, the last chapter for 2019 (but most definitely not the last like "last" one), i made it! i hope to see you again in the second half of january after passing my exams. i will put more detailed summary of the year in the ending notes if anyone's interested and as for now - enjoy! 
> 
> another thing is, it's crazy to see every time i go to my stats, but this work has !!!101!!! subscribers! thank you to everyone who's reading. it truly means a lot.  
> how about leaving a comment here as a late christmas gift for me? ;)

they don’t talk as brian drives through the quiet streets; brian is too focused on the road in order not to show how angry he is (scaring jae even more when he’s already scared to death isn’t a good idea) while jae stays silent because he wants nothing but to disappear from the earth’s surface and never be seen again. he doesn’t move, doesn’t open his eyes and even tries not to breathe, hoping to make himself small, transparent, invisible. there are a few times when brian opens his mouth to say something, but then notices that jae’s lips form a straight line, that his face is unusually pale and his grip on brian’s thigh is unusually tight and forgets all the words, slowly getting his attention back to the road.

jae is the first one to leave the car when brian parks near their house, he runs to the front door hurriedly and only stops upon realizing he doesn’t have the keys because he forgot or maybe even lost his bag somewhere (if only mummies could have pockets!). that makes him curse under his breath and kick the door angrily as if that poor wooden thing was responsible for it. he refuses to meet brian’s gaze and rushes to the bathroom as soon as they enter the house, quickly locking the door behind him. he doesn’t know why he’s doing that – can’t explain it even to himself – because he is sure brian wouldn’t follow him unless he asked for it, but it somehow makes him feel better – not because he’s safe and protected, the door isn’t much of a shield and he never feels unsafe with brian, but because no one can see him right now when he’s most vulnerable.

jae turns on the light and sits on the floor, too exhausted both physically and emotionally to do anything else. for minutes he just sits there, mind empty, hands trembling slightly, but then the sticky and cold feeling of fear and guilt, of anger and panic, of something he doesn’t truly have a name for – it’s like a mix of all the bad feelings in the world – starts creeping over him. it takes him some time to understand what exactly it is – the feeling of being dirty, used, and that feeling finally shakes him awake. there’s a knock on the door but jae ignores it, instead jumps to his feet and begins to undress, doing it as quickly as possible, almost tearing the fabric of his once mysterious outfit. “dirty” is the only word in his mind right now, the only thing he can think about; the memory of the man’s hands on his body, lips on his cheeks, the knife – they’re all so bright in front of his eyes that he forgets how it feels to be loved, to be held with tenderness despite being held by his boyfriend barely an hour ago.

brian knocks once again, but this time jae opens the door almost immediately, though his hands feel like they don’t belong to him so he struggles with the lock for a few seconds before letting brian inside. he’s already removed his makeup and got changed into more comfortable clothes – a huge red sweater with cute turtles all over it and his favorite sweatpants – and jae is dazed, enchanted when he sees it. he’s seen brian like this more than enough times to remember it and never get this surprised, shocked even, but tonight is somehow different, tonight everything is different, so he stares and stares at brian’s rosy cheeks and his slightly chapped lips, his tired yet still charming fox-like eyes and long eyelashes, until that awful feeling reminds him that it’s still there. it hurts him physically and he has to lean on brian’s shoulder to avoid falling down, he feels like he’s suffocating, burning. would hell feel like that?

suddenly comes the desire to feel brian’s big, calloused hands on his body, have them on his skin in the most innocent way possible, so he forces himself to stand up straight again and catches the fabric of brian’s sweater between his long fingers, tugging him forward so that he follows jae till they reach the bathtub.

no words are exchanged between the two as jae takes the sweater off and gets in the tub; brian doesn’t need to hear what jae wants from him – it is perfectly clear and he wastes no time to think about, standing next to him in a second. the way jae clings onto him the moment he turns on the water shatters his heart, but he doesn’t show it, instead reaching for jae’s favorite peach shampoo. he knows jae didn’t ask him to take a proper shower together, knows he just wanted to wash away the feeling of dirt and replace it with something home-like, but since they’re already under warm water might as well actually take a shower, right? jae’s unconscious relieved hum when brian starts gently washing his hair tells him more than words will ever be able to; his lips slowly travel from brian’s shoulder to his right cheek where jae leaves a kiss before moving up to his ear, whispering a desperate “thank you”.

brian holds him tight, hands not leaving pale skin, until jae stops shivering and fully relaxes in his arms, letting him do whatever he wants, letting his guard down. seeing how much jae trusts him makes brian bite hard on his lower lip to stop the scream that is threatening to break all the barriers he’s had to build tonight. the way jae clings onto him makes him question if he’s even worthy of such trust after not being able to protect him, after deciding to not follow him when his heart told him to. it can’t be changed now, but it also can’t be forgotten that easily and he can’t stop blaming himself for not being careful enough, smart enough, just- enough.

jae doesn’t seem to be bothered by this question at all: he just stands there waiting for brian’s next move which is, surprisingly for jae, turning off the water. jae opens one eye in confusion and brian can’t help but smile at how adorable he looks when he is this sleepy – it could’ve been a wonderful moment if it wasn’t for the current circumstances. he whines when brian’s hands disappear from his waist, but gives him a tired smile upon feeling a huge fluffy towel wrap around his body as if protecting him from the world. brian helps him dry his hair a little bit before quietly asking if he’s okay with putting on pajamas himself or if he needs help.

“’m not a baby,” jae says and brian only nods though he really wants to disagree.

jae, however, admits his defeat just a few moments later when he struggles with his yellow shirt – it doesn’t want to work with him and he gives up way too soon for the usual jae. brian, who’s already got dressed, presses a few kisses on jae’s bare shoulders as if trying to tell him that everything is alright before helping him put on the shirt. jae doesn’t seem that tense anymore, but brian knows it’s only because he’s too exhausted and sleepy to keep worrying, so he picks jae up from the floor despite the weak protests he gets in return and heads to their bedroom.

“just put me down already,” jae mutters, his breath tickling the skin of brian’s neck, but he is surely enjoying it.

“there you go,” brian whispers lovingly when he finally tucks jae in and sits on the edge of the bed. “jae, you know-”

he doesn’t get to continue because jae, being all soft and sleepy, halfway to the world of dreams, interrupts him almost immediately.

“don’t be so hard on yourself,” he says and puts his index finger between brian’s knitted eyebrows. “it doesn’t suit you. what’s bothering you?”

“you know what it is,” is the reply as brian sighs.

“you did what you could…”

“are you sure about that?” brian asks with a sad laugh. “i felt that i shouldn’t have let you go there alone, i knew i should’ve followed you because it was already late and dark and everything, and this was a mistake from my side, the worst one i’ve ever made because i decided you’d be fine on your own even after seeing what happened to terry… i don’t know if it changes anything, but i’m very sorry for not being able to protect you when you needed me the most. god, i don’t even know why i’m saying all this because it doesn’t make any sense, but i just can’t keep it to myself anymore and-”

“and?” is all jae says. nothing changes in his expression; he still looks at brian with love and adoration and brian almost hates himself for opening his mouth at all.

“and- nothing. it’s okay, baby, i just couldn’t control my word vomit,” he says quickly and really wants to change the topic because it’s most definitely not okay, but then jae frowns and intertwines their fingers.

“i am scared,” he admits quietly, almost shyly and somewhat unsure. “i thought i could ignore it and just get back to being normal as if nothing happened, but i can’t stop thinking about how he-”

jae gulps and stops for a moment, squeezing brian’s hand tighter. it hurts. seeing his once cheerful and strong universe in a state like that hurts.

“you don’t have to-” brian begins, but jae shakes his head and there are tears in his eyes.

“no, it’s not like i want to relive it in my mind, i just wanted to say that when he… when he looked at me, touched me, when he spoke to me in that teasing voice, i couldn’t stop thinking about you. i know it’s stupid, i kept telling myself to focus on the situation, but all i could do was thanking my life for giving me a chance to spend some time with you- even if it’d be this short. so you shouldn’t blame yourself for something you couldn’t control, because i never would.”

“enough talking for tonight,” brian says quickly because he sees that jae is getting more tensed and worried again and it’s totally not something he wants.

all he wants is for jae to be safe and happy and he doesn’t even notice saying it out loud until jae giggles and brings their hands to his lips to leave a few soft kisses on brian’s knuckles.

“i have to visit terry tomorrow, is that okay?” the singer asks the last question for the night.

“sure!” jae replies right away, but brian senses his doubts and kisses his forehead, saying he’ll do his best to get back before jae wakes up. “did you manage to learn something new about what happened?”

“not really, but i’ll keep you updated, alright? tomorrow,” even though it sounds more like an order jae only yawns instead of replying and brian finds it extremely cute, but keeps this thought to himself.

jae falls asleep soon after, not letting go of brian’s hand, but he still spends almost another hour looking at his boyfriend’s sleeping form just in case jae has nightmares again, and only leaves the room when the sun is about to get up, not feeling sleepy at all.

////

the very first thing brian does when he closes the door and moves to the living room is kicking the bookshelf – angrily, almost violently – simply because it’s the nearest thing in sight. now that jae is asleep and nothing can really bother him unless it’s a fire alarm, brian can finally release all the anger and stress he’s kept bottled up for the whole evening and night. he kicks it again and again, fists clenched, until sharp pain reminds him that he’s still a human who’s not supposed to do such things if he doesn’t want to get injured. he wants to scream so badly but has to settle for kicking the couch before he bends down to pick three books which fell on the floor because of his uncontrollable anger. he feels the urge to throw those books across the room or, even better, throw them out of the window, but then stops himself and counts to ten, twenty, thirty until anger is replaced with some kind of emptiness. he looks around the now messy room from a different perspective, tired gaze lingering on his vampire clothes that he forgot to fold and place back in the cupboard, but only sighs and decides to do it later.

brian goes to the fridge and gets himself a glass of orange juice, then sits on the couch and starts rubbing his eyes in hopes to get rid of the tiredness that is slowly taking control over his body. the juice doesn’t help – it’s cold and sweet, but not something he needs in the moment, so he puts the glass away and lies down. his mind is blank, even though he expected a whole swarm of thoughts to attack him as soon as jae fell asleep, and he just lies there, staring at the ceiling which isn’t really visible because of the poor lights – but it’s still there, caging him. however, it doesn’t last long before his phone, previously thrown on the small coffee table without much care, starts vibrating, ruining the heavy silence. brian doesn’t have any strength left in his body so he just crawls to the table and frowns on seeing an incoming call from an unknown number – who on earth wants to talk to him at four in the morning? nonetheless, he hits the green button.

“what the fuck has happened on that party?!” wonpil’s loud voice almost scares him.

oh right. brian recalls hearing that wonpil has changed his phone number quite recently.

“woah, easy there,” he says because he’s also heard that furious wonpil is like a tornado. “i think you already know what happened, otherwise you wouldn’t have called.”

“yes i do!” wonpil yells back. “i tried calling jae, i’ve been texting him the whole night, where the fuck is his phone?”

“hey pil, can you please calm down or at least lower your voice just a little? you’re giving me a headache and it’s the least thing i need right now,” brian almost pleads and, for once, wonpil does listen to him.

“sorry, i just got really worried.”

“i understand,” brian says as he gets back to the couch. “but yelling at someone won’t help you, you should’ve at least picked a pillow as your target or something… jae is currently sleeping and i don’t want to disturb him.”

“how is he?” wonpil’s voice is laced with concern. “jamie has just found out about all the stuff that happened during her absence and she’s been crying in her room for over twenty minutes.”

“it’s difficult to say right now, but he is strong enough to get over it, though it will take time. thankfully, matt got there right in time, but jae is really scared now. he tries not to show it just like i tried not to show how pissed i was, but even though he acts like he’s fine, he admitted it himself that he’s afraid. it wasn’t difficult to put him to bed as he was exhausted, but i think we’ll face some hardships in the nearest future. still, i will do whatever it takes to bring the jae we all know back. and what about jamie, where she was the whole time?”

“she had a date,” wonpil snorts as he says it. “funny, huh? she organized a party and just left to hang out with someone else, but she’s really sorry about what happened.”

“her parties were always fun,” brian shrugs and reaches for the glass again. “it’s not her fault. by the way, do you know if terry was taken to hospital? i want to visit him in the morning if it’s possible.”

“nah, he already talked to the police and then matt helped him get home.”

“that’s good to hear. listen, i think i should go because it seems like jae is talking in his sleep again,” brian almost jumps to his feet when he hears a faint sound coming from the bedroom, like a quiet groan.

“oh sure! wait a second, can you please tell me what were you planning to do originally, before all that happened?”

brian sighs.

“you see, i haven’t seen terry for a few years, he just disappeared from my life and i kind of got used to not having him around anymore, but it’s a very complicated story and now he’s back and he wanted to do something funny- like something we did in the past. he’s always wanted to be an actor while i wanted to be a musician, but we often acted together because i loved being on stage, and now he’s finally achieved what he wanted, he became an actor, so this was the first thing that came to mind. i must admit, at first i didn’t even believe it when matt started yelling in the basement, because it was kind of a part of our plan, you know?”

“one more thing before you go,” wonpil’s voice goes down to a whisper.

“yeah?”

“just stay by his side,” and somehow brian knows there’s more behind those words than lies on the surface.

“always.”

wonpil hangs up and brian rushes to the bedroom only to find jae tossing under the blanket restlessly, trying to catch something but never succeeding. he mumbles something in his sleep, something almost inaudible, but gets quiet when brian lies next to him, hugging him from behind. he still moves his hands as if trying to find something; brian offers his hand and jae seems to be content with that – he pouts adorably and squeezes brian’s hand before finally calming down and getting back to the world of dreams.

“i love you, love you, love you,” brian whispers against the skin of his neck and only then gives in to the sleepiness.

////

in the end he gets less than three hours of sleep, constantly waking up at jae’s slightest movements and whimpers, but eventually decides that staying in bed longer is just a waste of time that he has to spend on something else and gets up, but not without planting a loving kiss on jae’s forehead. he spends some time showering just to wash away the sleepiness that is still here and is not planning to leave that easily, then makes a simple breakfast in case jae wakes up hungry and then heads out, really hoping to get back before jae starts longing for him. he doesn’t even stay for breakfast, instead grabbing a quick snack, and soon after finds himself on the road.

brian is only three streets away when he realizes he didn’t even send terry a message asking if it’s okay to come, didn’t even think that terry could be still recovering from last night and sleeping, but it’s too late to change plans now, so he just drives through the still quiet streets. it feels so strange to be taking the same route he usually takes when jae stays late at jimin’s or when they go to see her together but without the excitement he already grew used to. the thing is – terry rented a house right next to jimin’s, which explained how he got invited to the party, and that is great, but brian doubts he’ll ever feel good in any of those houses again. it’s stupid and he knows it, but he’d rather stay away at least for some time – if only it wasn’t so important to talk to terry right now.

he expects to find terry grumbling at him from his bed or maybe even sleeping, but still knocks a few times and gets surprised upon being greeted by his friend’s smiley face and an awkward wave of his injured hand. he lets brian in and gestures to the kitchen; he insists on making coffee for the two of them even though brian volunteers to help, but terry isn’t that easy to argue with, so he just gives up and takes a seat.

“let me guess, you didn’t expect to see me this cheerful, right?” terry laughs at brian’s confused expression.

“you know, for someone who nearly got killed less than twenty four hours ago you do look quite cheerful,” brian replies and takes a sip of his steaming coffee – god bless terry for making it so tasty.

“yeah, but you look like a walking dead, so i think we’re even,” said man can’t stop teasing him.

“spill the tea, how did this even happen?”

“well, i didn’t get killed, right? just being alive is already more than i could’ve had by now, so i’m thankful for that, why be sad when i can just let it go? and if you mean why i’m not suffering in my bed, then the answer is even easier – the headache is almost gone, so i’m left with a few cuts on my palm which don’t make me disabled. but what happened to you? i know last night was rough, but did you even sleep?”

“not really,” brian says, biting his lips, unsure of what to say next – terry is probably not informed about the rest of the night yet. “i spent most of the night guarding jae’s sleep because i can’t let him suffer more than i already have.”

“what do you mean?”

terry’s face becomes serious at that and brian feels so small under his gaze. he finds himself at a loss for words – how does one explain a situation like that, even if it’s explaining it to someone who experienced something equally horrible? brian drinks some more of his coffee and takes a deep breath before he begins to talk about what happened – and as he talks, his voice gets more and more laced with anger again.

“and it was the same guy who did this to me? the police only asked me if i could recognize him which i couldn’t because i only saw a dark glove, but they didn’t tell me anything else. shit, bro, i’m really sorry to hear that. i didn’t get to know jae well enough to make predictions, but i believe he’ll get over it soon because he has you. how long you’ve been dating, by the way?”

“two years and a half. most of jae’s friends and even his parents always tell me they trust me to keep him safe, but the more i hear that the more i doubt it and yesterday just proved i was right,” brian sighs, feeling unexpectedly free and open with terry – as if those three years weren’t even a thing.

“i never actually got to see you dating anyone before i left, but i know for sure that when you sincerely love something you are ready to give up your life for it. did you notice how i emphasized ‘something’? if it’s someone, then you’ll probably get that person a whole bunch of stars from the sky even though it’s impossible just to make them smile. don’t blame yourself, you couldn’t do anything yesterday, but you can do so many things for him in the future, so you shouldn’t be that hard on yourself.”

“jae said the same thing,” brian chuckles, but his mind is a little bit less clouded now.

“see! you gotta listen to your boyfriend. besides, it’s time for you to be strong if you want him to get better as soon as possible. i know right now he believes in you, but if you keep doubting yourself, then it can affect his mind too, so stop doing that – you’re an amazing friend, a devoted son, a really great person and probably the best boyfriend. jae is lucky to have you just like you are lucky to have him, so you have to take care of each other – if he trusts you, then you should believe in yourself too. if he chose you of all people, then you _are_ worthy of it, then you _are_ enough for him and you don’t have to prove it to the whole world. people can have a wrong opinion on you if they don’t know you well enough, even i can now, but his heart wouldn’t lie to him.”

“thank you,” is all brian manages to say because he’s shocked by what he just heard – in a good way, of course.

he gets so lost in his thoughts that he almost forgets about the original purpose of his visit (aside from checking on his friend) and only remembers it when he’s about to leave.

“oh, wait. i know it doesn’t really matter now that he’s arrested, but do you remember anything from last night?”

“not much,” terry admits. “all i can say for sure is that the man was already there when i went down to the basement because i saw the door and it was closed. then i saw a gloved hand and was most likely hit with something- a bottle, i guess? i have no idea what was going on in his mind and, to be honest, i don’t really feel like going back to that moment even in my memories.”

brian gives him a small smile and leaves the house with another “thank you” instead of saying goodbye. talking with his friend made him feel like an important part of a puzzle was brought into his life again, and even though something is still missing, he feels a lot happier than a few days ago. not like he wasn’t happy and content with his life before, but who wouldn’t get even happier after seeing their best friend after spending three years apart? with those positive thoughts he gets back to the car, already planning the rest of the day, when he hears jamie’s voice behind his back. brian stops and turns around, keys still halfway from his pocket to his hand, one eyebrow raised in confusion. jamie runs to him, eyes red and puffed up from crying, but she looks glad to see him, so he returns the smile.

“hey,” she begins quietly. brian nods back. “i’m really sorry about what happened at the party…”

“it’s alright,” he interrupts her because he doesn’t need another apology from someone who did nothing wrong. not that he heeds any.

“you’re going back to jae?”

“yeah, want me to tell him something?” brian asks as he finally opens the car.

“no, but i want to ask you for a favor. oh, and it’d be really nice if you didn’t tell jae about it.”

“alright?”

“when we all fail, you are the one who can help him. please make sure he’s safe and happy,” jamie says with a knowing spark in her eyes and brian is left speechless for a second.

“how did you know?”

“i just have this gut feeling,” she smiles at him and leaves before saying anything else.

at that moment brian’s phone dings with a message. it’s from jae.

jaejae (1:24 pm.)

_please come home_

yk (1:24 pm.)

_you alright??_

jaejae (1:25 pm.)

_i’m alone but i feel like i’m not quite alone? idk how to explain but it’s bothering me a lot_

yk (1:25 pm.)

_omw_

jaejae (1:26 pm.)

_please don’t text me while driving_

_i don’t want to lose you because of my stupid thoughts_

_oh you’re actually listening to me_

_if i wasn’t in that annoying situation i’d tease you through texts but i really feel like someone’s watching me_

_and yes i did close the curtains_

_and also_

_since you can’t reply and i can delete stuff here (finally)_

_i love you <3_

_stay safe <3_

brian sees all the notifications and can’t stop a wide smile spreading on his face, but when he parks the car and is about to enter the house, last messages are suddenly deleted. it makes him chuckle and realize that they will be okay. maybe not now, but together they can get through everything that life throws at them and, eventually, they will be okay. love (and life, too) is like a rose – there is no beauty without sharp thorns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2019 was a long, somehow tiring, yet an incredibly wonderful journey! despite struggling with uni i managed to write 105k words in just a year and personally i find it insane, it's something i couldn't even imagine before. writing in a language that isn't my first, growing up and improving with time, starting to write a chaptered work and not giving up on it five chapters through the story- it's crazy. that was a really happy year for me after going through such a dark tunnel that i don't even want to ever think about it again (tho it's inevitable because it made me who i am today) and i'm looking forward to seeing what 2020 has in store for me, but i know one thing for sure - i will keep writing because it makes me happy. hope you'll stay by my side, supporting me in the future too^^ i have some stuff planned hehe
> 
> love each and every one of you, hope you all had a wonderful christmas and will have a happy year!  
> hugs, JJ xxx


	21. a reminder to myself, you can skip that one :)

hi guys! i hate how this is becoming a thing, but it seems like i can't do anything about it. last time i posted the note i said i only did it to let you know i'm not planning to abandon this work and not because i needed your encouraging words, but today... today i'm here for that, i'm here to ask you guys for some help. i LOVE this story and i wanna get back to it, but my brain keeps telling me my writing doesn't make sense, that no one really needs me to write, and it brings me to not being able to write anymore because in my head this story had an ending even before i wrote the first chapter, and if no one needs it, then why bother writing it down? those are not the thoughts i can control, and i also can't stop comparing myself to others. i'm just being honest with you, but i don't want to sound like i'm begging for your support or something. it's just that my latest oneshot written after my writer block didn't really get much attention, and my brain started all that shit once again. i really wish people would comment on every chapter i post, even the simple "thank you", which would take one second of your time, would already make my day a lot brighter. it's impossible to achieve for me, and then it brings me to thinking "what's wrong with the things i post? are they not interesting enough? i poured my soul into that piece, but why didn't anyone want to read that?". those are really annoying thoughts, they bring me back to the darkness i spent so much time trying to escape from. all i need in terms of writing is some feedback - anything would be truly and deeply appreciated. yes, i know the "don't give up no matter how hard it is" thing, and i do my best, but... right now i am desperate, so please. if you could spent a minute on me and let me know you're still here, waiting for this one to be updated, then it'd truly make me a lot happier. it seems to me that all those notes i post get annoying and make me seem as a disappointment, but that's all i could think of. i don't want to remain silent when i can seek help. nonetheless, thank you - each and every one of you - for being with me, for reading the things i write, for feeling my own feelings that i pour into every work of mine. i hope you enjoy it.

also, i hope everyone is staying safe in those rough times. it will be over, i sincerely hope it will, but right now the best thing you can do to help yourself and others is to stay home, avoid any gatherings and events, and take care of yourself.

i think i will delete this note in a few days, but just in case you would want to talk or anything, feel free to dm me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/Summeroka)

i am always open for conversations! ALSO if you want to see something in the upcoming chapters, please don't hesitate to suggest! i'm always looking for new ideas and scenes that you guys want to see. :)

sending much love and hugs,

jj. 


	22. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!  
> first of all, thank you all for the love and support you showed me before. you have no idea how much it meant to me.  
> now that i know you're all here for me, i can hopefully work like i used to before.  
> seriously, to each and every one of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  
> i decided to keep that note to always have a reminder when it gets tough, so from now on the number of chapters and the actual chapter will be different, sorry for that confusion :D
> 
> this chapter FINALLY reveals the biggest secret of solar wind! but please keep quiet, don't let our jae in this story know about it. it's still a secret, okay?  
> anyways, enjoy!~

the house is relatively quiet when brian gets inside, and it has him worried, so he rushes to the living room, about to start yelling, but stops right there with jae’s name frozen on his lips when he notices the other… simply sleeping on the couch. jae looks so peaceful that brian doesn’t have the heart to wake him up and ask about the thing that scared him before. after all, he knows for sure jae didn’t sleep well at night, so he decides to let him rest and get himself busy with working on a special song that is yet to be released instead. jae mumbles something incoherent when brian picks up the blanket which fell on the floor and covers him with it. he still has his phone in his right hand and it’s obvious that he wouldn’t want to wake up only to see it on the floor too, so brian gently takes the phone away and leaves a feather-like kiss on his forehead before turning away.

he’s about to place jae’s phone on the table when the screen lights up with a notification. usually, he isn’t the type to read personal messages, so he wants to ignore it this time too, but then still notices that those unread messages are from jae’s mother. sighing, he puts the phone on silent and leaves it face down on the table before quickly moving to their bedroom, where he carefully closes the door in hopes to not disturb jae in any way and then looks for his own phone.

he’s glad to see he didn’t leave it in the car like he sometimes does, because that would mean having to go out again and most definitely waking jae up this time. he looks through his contacts, not sure if he really should call jae’s mother himself or leave it to jae, but then suddenly remembers how much mrs. park trusts him and how worried she must be, and that’s not a question anymore.

she picks up almost immediately, voice laced with worry, and brian wonders when was the last time jae called or texted her.

“hello? brian, is that you?” she asks, as if not entirely sure, and it almost makes him chuckle.

“yes, mrs. park, good afternoon. i saw you were texting jae, but he’s currently asleep in the living room, so i didn’t want to disturb him and decided i would call you instead.”

“ah, you sweetheart!” jae’s mother replies and he can almost see her smiling. “it’s been a while since i saw you, is everything alright? jae also hasn’t called in a while, and his friend wonpil called me late at night today, so i got really worried, but jae wasn’t responding to any of my calls.”

“wonpil?” brian feels his heart sink when he hears wonpil’s name mentioned. “why’d he call?”

god, he really hopes wonpil knew better and didn’t share the whole yesterday’s story when jae wasn’t ready for that. scaring his mother to death isn’t a part of brian’s plan for sure, so he silently prays that it wasn’t the reason for wonpil’s call.

“i don’t know… he just asked if i knew anything about jae, if he was doing alright, and i assumed it was because jae ignored him too, but then i thought – why’d he call me if he could talk to you? oh, brian, i’m so glad you called. it’s such a relief.”

brian frowns when she mentions that wonpil was asking about jae’s state, but chooses not to question it – it’s not really his business. wonpil’s been friends with jae way longer than he and jae know each other, so he probably knows more about jae than brian does. he wonders, though, if jae will open up to his mother or try to keep it secret for as long as possible. after all, what happened yesterday is really going to affect his life – their life – in every possible aspect of it, so perhaps it would be better if he told mrs. park about it, but that is his, jae’s choice, and brian makes a mental note to bring it up later. they have a lot to discuss once jae’s ready for it.

“we were both out yesterday and jae wasn’t feeling well, so we didn’t look at our phones much. my priority was to make sure jae gets better, so i didn’t hear it when wonpil called. he did, in fact, call again later, so it’s okay now. i’m sorry we got you worried, mrs. park. i can’t speak for jae, but i think he’s just been too busy to call, that’s it.”

“you’re right,” she sighs. “it’s difficult to be a mother when your child is fully grown up. i can’t stop worrying, even though i know he is old enough to handle everything himself. maybe it’s just my maternal instinct, but i felt like it was important to call him today.”

and you weren’t wrong, brian thinks to himself, but in reality just hums back, letting her know he’s listening with full attention. knowing that jae’s mother felt that her son was suffering even from a distance while he let jae go outside when it was the most dangerous thing hurts a little, but he pushes that feeling away, promises himself to take responsibility for that.

“it’s good to know he’s with you,” she then says and brian is about to break down for real when she adds “i’m sure he’s in the right hands, with the right person. you know, when he told me you asked him to move in with you, he looked the happiest i’ve ever seen him.”

“i try my best to discuss every step with him, and it’s honestly such an honor to hear those words from you – i know how a loving mother can never fully trust anyone who gets close to their child, but i made a promise and i’m not breaking it.”

“i just wish i could see my baby’s reaction when you propose,” mrs. park laughs quietly and brian can’t help grinning too. “you’re still keeping it all secret, right?”

“wonpil and sungjin know about it, and some of jae’s friends figured it out as well, but they all act like nothing ever happened, and i’m grateful for that. i don’t want it to be that shocking for jae, though, so i think i should ask him how he’d feel about something like this happening in the future. of course, i don’t want this whole surprise to be ruined, but i also don’t want jae to feel any kind of pressure if he’s not ready.”

“oh, brian, you never cease to amaze me! that’s very thoughtful of you, honey. if you don’t mind, can you promise me one more thing?”

“sure, what is it?”

“while taking care of jae, don’t forget to take care of yourself too. can you do that, please? not for me, of course, but for jae.”

“yes, mom,” brian replies faster than his brain processes what he’s saying, but there’s no taking it back now.

jae’s mother doesn’t seem to mind, not even the slightest, instead she gives him another quiet laugh and then says goodbye – not without another playful remark. once the call is over, brian sits on the bed with a sigh, but then suddenly groans and hides his face between two pillows. all of his inspiration is suddenly gone and he finds himself thinking that talking to jae’s mother has become way easier for him than talking to his own parents.

it’s not much of a surprise, because his parents have never been keen on talking and instead showed their love in other ways, and letting their son follow his dreams was one of those ways, but now… it all changed now when he became successful, when he grew up and became an adult, and now it feels like they don’t even care about his life as long as they know he’s more or less healthy and happy. perhaps it shouldn’t bother him this much, but for some reasons – many reasons, actually – it does. it worries him a lot, to the point where he starts wondering if they ever even were a family at all. he thinks they were, there must have been the time when they were a healthy family and spent time together, but he can’t really remember any of those moments. they always cared about him, but never about each other, and maybe that’s the real reason why they grew so distant with time, fully focused on their jobs, too busy to sit down and remember they were a family once.

he always tries to hide how much it hurts him, hide it from everyone around him, but, more importantly, from himself. he keeps pretending it’s nothing, keeps trying to make himself think that things will change in the future, although he knows they won’t. when you lose something, you can, of course, magically find it years later, and it will still hold the same meaning for you, but that’s how magic works, that’s only because you missed having this thing, because you tried – did your best to find it. when you break something, however, it can’t be brought back, because even if you repair it, you’ll always remember it was broken once. the same goes for human relationships, well, unless brian is too fond of metaphors and it doesn’t make any sense. he thinks, however, that it’s a really good comparison – showing exactly what happens when people stop talking for weeks, which turn into months, which eventually turn into years. they can try to get back to normal as if nothing happened, but times change and so do people, and because of that, brian believes it is impossible for his family to become one again.

it hurts like hell, and all he can do is smile bitterly because of how different jae’s family is compared to his. they solve all their problems through talking to each other, discussing things and listening, they don’t yell and don’t ignore each other, and this is something brian finds himself a little bit jealous of. he turns on the bed, making himself more comfortable, and wonders if he’ll be able to become a part of such a loving family for real, if they will be able to create their family like that too. that is, of course, if jae ever wants to start a family with him in the first place, which brings him back to thinking about the proposal. as much as he wants to keep it secret till the very end, he really doesn’t want jae to feel pressured to say yes.

“what should i do,” he asks himself quietly, despite having strings of thoughts running in his mind.

of course, right now is not the best time for him to bring it up, so he decides to carefully discuss jae’s mental health first and only then think about his next steps. after all, it’s their future, so he has to be as understanding and caring as possible – given the circumstances, it may take many months for jae to get over what happened and get back to fully being himself, and if he can do anything to help – he’s all up for it.

he decided it a long while ago, he doesn’t even remember when exactly, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with jae, no matter what they have to face in the future. jae understands him, loves him for who he is without trying to change him, and jae cares, he genuinely cares about everything that’s happening in his life. being with jae feels right, it feels like he finally woke up after being in cryostasis for a whole thousand of years, feels like he finally found home, a shoulder to rest his head on, found those perfect lips to kiss; being with jae feels like love, that is for sure. brian wants to marry jae, no other words needed.

a very stupid idea suddenly crosses his mind as he looks through the chats on his phone. it’s been a whole month since he last talked to his parents, so he opens the chat with his mother – she almost never replies, and types a quick message. he sends it with a satisfied smile on his face, not really expecting to get a reply, but wishing to at least try.

YK (2:58 pm.)

_hey mom_

_what if i get married_

he then leaves his phone on the bed and gets back to the living room, because he suddenly realizes he left his notebook with lyrics right next to jae’s currently sleeping form. he tiptoes to the couch, trying to make as little noise as possible, and almost succeeds at that, but then remembers that his notebook is under the pillow, which means no lyrics today – at least not until jae wakes up, and even when he does, they still have a lot to talk about.

“mmm…” jae mumbles sleepily and then slowly opens his eyes, blinks once, twice before focusing on brian. “bri? did i fall asleep?”

he looks surprised, and this is so adorable that brian can’t help grinning. jae looks at him in confusion and tugs on his sleeve to make him sit down; once brian complies, jae makes himself comfortable on his chest and starts mumbling something against the skin of his neck, hands circled around brian’s waist, heart beating right next to brian’s. it tickles, but brian doesn’t complain, instead listening to the soft sound of jae’s voice while he shares the story about the thing that scared him so much that he had to text brian.

“how is terry doing, by the way?” he asks quietly once the story is finished.

“doing alright, he even shared some wisdom with me,” brian thinks of it as the gentlest way to start the important talk.

“huh? what is it about?” and of course jae takes the bait, he’s a curious guy after all.

“it might come off a bit cheesy, but he basically said that if you chose me, i have to trust you on that. he said i don’t have to prove it to the world, because being myself is enough for you.”

he watches how a soft smile adorns jae’s face before he lets out a quiet “aww” and places a kiss on his right cheek. it might be his imagination playing tricks on him, but it suddenly feels that jae’s hold grows stronger and that he leans even closer, despite the distance already being barely noticeable.

“look…” he begins carefully, to which brian hums. “he’s not wrong. i know it’s not easy for you to accept this because you want to be perfect, but i don’t need you to be perfect. i don’t need you to change who you are, because to me you’re everything i could ever dream of. please, bri, try to understand this, because right now i need _you_ , not the image you’re trying to create for the world.”

“i-”

“no, you have to listen till the end, alright?” jae quickly shushes him with a kiss and brian thinks he could really get used to it.

he nods, thankful that it was actually jae who brought it up. jae tenses a little bit as his face becomes serious, but then his shoulders relax again after taking a few deep breaths.

“you want to protect me from everyone and everything, i see and appreciate that, but life doesn’t always go like we want it to. shit happens and though sometimes we are to blame for that, you couldn’t change anything in that situation. the man is arrested and i am safe now, but we’re both left to deal with the consequences now. i must admit, i still feel dirty because of being touched by someone who wasn’t you, because of being touched by someone without my permission. i try not to think about it, but those thoughts don’t ask, they just come and it’s like poison. i don’t know how to act cheerful again, how to smile on camera, damn, i’m not even sure that everyone who saw that will keep their mouths shut. it’s quite an interesting topic, don’t you think? famous youtuber jae park nearly getting raped at the halloween party, huh? i don’t know how to deal with that, so i simply try to ignore it, but we both understand i won’t last. you’re the person i trust the most along with my mother, so _please_ , be with me, help me, but don’t put all the blame on yourself. your friend was in danger, so it’s understandable why you weren’t as protective as you usually would, and you’re only human, it’s okay for you to make mistakes. i don’t blame you, more so, i am grateful that you let me choose when to speak about it, that you’re not pushing me into those talks. i feel comfortable and safe when you’re next to me, but right now i need your help. please, focus on what’s coming instead of being stuck in the past.”

and suddenly, brian knows exactly what jae means.

“i’m sorry you had to explain it like that,” he says quietly, to which jae just sighs.

“communication is the key to everything, right?” he replies with a question and gives brian a weak smile when he nods. “so… what’s bothering you?”

the question is unexpected and almost catches brian off guard: he opens his mouth, but soon closes it as he has nothing to say. of course, jae notices that he isn’t feeling well, why’d he even doubt that? he wants to be open about it, wants to finally get it off his chest, but then thinks that his boyfriend already has too much to deal with and pretends that he doesn’t understand the question. jae frowns at that and brian knows it’s impossible to fool him, but he doesn’t press, instead reaching for his phone. his expression changes in just a few seconds when he notices all the missed calls and unread messages from his parents, but brian quickly catches his wrist, making him look up in slight confusion.

“i called her while you were asleep, don’t worry,” he says and jae visibly relaxes. his family really does mean a lot to him. “she said wonpil called her at night, but it seems that she doesn’t know about anything yet.”

“you haven’t told her?” jae asks, voice hopeful.

“no, we had other things to discuss, it’s not my decision after all. but maybe you should let her know? she would want to help, and she knows you better than any of us.”

“i know i should,” he sighs once again, leaning back on the couch with a frown still present on his face. “but i don’t want her to worry. i’ve seen you all worked up, and i know for sure you hid most of the anger from me. don’t look at me like that, i know you well enough to notice such things. and imagine how extremely worried and upset she’ll get once she finds out? this isn’t about trust, but i simply want to protect her from that.”

“so you wouldn’t tell me if i wasn’t there myself?” it’s brian’s turn to catch jae off guard.

“that’s… not what i meant…” he tries, but doesn’t even finish it. “okay, right, you have a point here. see? it’s all about communication.”

okay, brian thinks, so it really is important to ask him about their future. but then he suddenly finds himself getting up from the couch and going to the kitchen, asking jae if he’s hungry because he must be – when was the last time he actually ate? jae almost runs to the fridge upon hearing the question, because it seems he only felt the hunger now that brian asked him about it. he starts humming one of sungjin’s songs and brian’s heart aches at how beautiful he looks even when simply reheating the food brian cooked earlier. ah, right, he still has to somehow start talking about marriage without spoiling anything – after all, he spent months working on the surprise to make sure it’s perfect, even if jae doesn’t need him to be perfect. he thinks really hard, hoping to get something before this perfect moment is gone, but nothing comes to mind except for a ridiculous “you know, my friend is planning to get married soon”.

“oh? is it someone i know?” jae asks and brian wants to slap himself for saying it out loud. “what?”

“nothing,” he tries to smile, but on the inside, he can’t stop wondering just how much of that jae actually heard. “you don’t know him, it’s a friend from middle school, we haven’t really talked much after school was over, but yesterday he texted me and asked if i could help him with the proposal.”

brian isn’t fully lying, so to say, because there really was a time in his life when his friend asked everyone around to participate in filming a video for his girlfriend, but that was very, very long ago. he was still back in canada then and even went to their wedding, so he knows many details and decides that a small lie won’t hurt. perhaps he’s wrong, but only time can tell, so right now he goes with the only idea he has.

“he’s planning something big, huh?” jae asks, still completely clueless.

“yeah, his girlfriend is a huge fan of one artist who has a concert in a few months, so he wants to propose at the concert after showing a short video where people from different countries will express their support. basically, it’s something like that, so he asked me to participate in it.”

“i assume you already filmed it with terry, right?” jae laughs and yet he still pays more attention to his food than to brian’s awkward smile, and for that he’s very, very grateful.

he makes a mental note to enlighten terry too.

“yeah, i was just curious about your opinion on that.”

ah, there it goes.

“what do you mean?”

brian takes a deep breath and opens his mouth, about to explain, when they hear a loud knock on the door. he wonders who could that be and gets up to go and check, but jae beats him to it as he runs excitedly towards the door.

of course it’s wonpil. as soon as jae opens the door, wonpil gives him a tight hug and doesn’t let go for a few seconds; he then hugs brian too, whispering a quiet, barely audible “thank you”.

“so, who’s gonna tell me why you two are trending everywhere again? i didn’t get a chance to check as i was in a hurry.”

upon hearing that, brian and jae share a worried look, both afraid and reluctant to reach for their phones. wonpil notices how tensed they both get and does it for them, god bless his soul.

“wow,” is all he says.


	23. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all the good authors i read on this platform post long chapters and here i am, considering 3.9k my limit  
> sorry for that and sorry for the long wait, i didn't like this chapter and couldn't finish writing it, but also didn't want to re-write it from the very beginning  
> anyways, enjoy!  
> hope you're all healthy. 
> 
> p.s. congratulations on the comeback announcement!

jae feels panic rush through his veins, knows for sure his cheeks flush fully crimson because of all the thoughts that are running in mind right now, and he’s about to choke wonpil for teasing him like this, but, thankfully, it only takes him a few seconds to show them both the screen of his phone. wonpil can’t help but giggle at how jae gasps and smacks brian’s shoulder once, twice upon seeing the actual reason behind that, but then he nearly drops his phone because jae starts attacking him too. although they both know jae’s mostly being playful right now, brian still catches him by the hem of his shirt and tugs him closer, until jae’s caged in his embrace, still looking pretty much angry.

“you both are idiots,” wonpil announces with a smug look on his face, but winces when he feels jae kicking him with his foot. “i’m honestly not surprised you’re dating.”

“alright, he…” jae does his best to free his hands but ends up just slightly tilting his head to show he’s talking about brian. “he forgot the dates for his own album’s release. if he told me that the track list would be released today, everything would be alright. but okay, okay, let’s pretend it’s not a bad thing, because i’m also a goldfish, but you made everything sound like our names were trending because of something truly horrible, so. who’s to blame here now?”

“well, in my defense i can only say i wasn’t expecting you to act this aggressively, oh, and i really didn’t know what it was about, i swear.”

jae keeps pouting at him, and wonpil looks almost guilty because of it, so brian tries to save the day by saying something that doesn’t have anything to do with this situation. well, of course he fails because his goldfish memory suddenly becomes normal for a second and he remembers something very, very important.

“hey jae,” he begins carefully, tightening his hold on jae’s body – better safe than sorry. “you sure you won’t kill me if i let you go?”

“what, you’re going to say you forgot about an important meeting scheduled for today?”

“exactly.”

damn, brian wonders, when did he learn to read me so well? judging by wonpil’s confused expression, he’s thinking the same thing right now. at least he’s not the only one amazed by jae’s superpowers.

“well, hurry up then, i bet you’re already running late,” jae chuckles quietly when brian gives him a quick kiss and disappears in a moment.

ah, he’s so soft for this man, even if he keeps forgetting about all the important things in his life. next to him, wonpil clears his throat, as if trying to remind that he’s still here, and that brings jae back to reality. he glares at wonpil, even though they both know it’s impossible to stay mad at him for long, and giggles when his friend looks at him with puppy eyes. now this is something no one can resist, no matter how much time they spend together with wonpil – be it just a few days or many years, which is exactly jae’s case.

“alright, that was a very awkward moment, so let’s forget about it and just move to the living room,” jae suggests eventually and wonpil nods happily.

“you’re not really mad at brian, are you?” he asks quietly when jae brings him a glass of apple juice and opens a pack of his favorite cookies. “for, you know, forgetting things.”

“of course not!” jae replies almost immediately, surprised that wonpil would even doubt it. “i don’t think i can ever be actually mad at him, and i would say he uses that a lot.”

“why can’t i use that?”

wonpil asks this question is such a serious voice that jae has to spend a few seconds thinking if he’s really being serious or just messing with him. turns out, wonpil isn’t sure himself, because he then laughs awkwardly, but still repeats the question when jae ignores him at first. jae just shrugs, not willing to explain the difference between your best friend and your boyfriend, and instead asks his own question. wonpil blushes red, but is very, perhaps even too excited to talk about it, and jae somehow feels, he just knows it’s going to be about dowoon. still, he gives jae a concerned look, as if asking “is that okay with you?”, just a silent gesture, but it is something jae truly appreciates. and yet, he doesn’t want to discuss it right now, doesn’t want to talk about it with anyone but brian. or maybe, he doesn’t want to discuss it even with brian, not before he figures everything out himself.

“spill the tea,” and so he willingly lets wonpil share everything that happened at the party.

it takes wonpil almost half an hour to get to the part where dowoon accidentally overheard most of his confession that was supposed to die with him, but jae doesn’t feel bored at all. he keeps waving his hands and clapping when he talks about the most important details, and jae can’t resist smiling because of how adorable he is, but his smile falls when wonpil mentions sungjin again. he doesn’t know sungjin well enough to confidently say if he will be deeply hurt for a long while or if he’ll get over it soon, but there is still one thing he’s sure about: unrequited love hurts like hell, and it always pains to see someone you like or even love being happy with other people. of course, their well-being is the most important thing, but it doesn’t change the fact that you wish to be in their lover’s place. well, jae thinks to himself, at least they finally had an honest conversation, so maybe that will help sungjin get over it and start a new page of his life.

“and then we kissed…” wonpil says, bringing him back to here and now, making him forget about sungjin and all the thoughts about unrequited love…

…simply because he chokes on his juice.

“you what?!” he asks once he stops coughing and looks at wonpil with wide eyes.

wonpil looks away, suddenly shy, but repeats the same phrase only to make jae choke once again. it’s not that he didn’t expect it to come, because sure he did, they all wanted this to finally happen – he and brian even jokingly placed bets on who was going to be the first one to confess, so don’t get him wrong, but it is still… a little bit surprising. wonpil and dowoon finally getting their life together? crazy! especially if you think that it happened in the midst of all that madness of the party, which proved to be a real nightmare.

“congratulations, i guess?” jae says teasingly once they both calm down a little bit.

wonpil gives him a look, but the tips of his ears get red – man, is he already slowly turning into dowoon or what?

“he asked me out,” he almost whispers, as if afraid of jae’s reaction to this. jae, however, immediately turns serious. “the date is on friday. what if things go wrong...?”

jae frowns for a moment, sincerely trying to come up with something that would encourage wonpil and cheer him up, but then just sighs because he’s never been good at planning dates or giving advice. at this point he isn’t even sure why would brian fall for him of all people.

“alright, if you’re asking for real advice, you better wait for brian to come back, because i suck at that. wait, scratch that, i’m sure dowoon will bombard him with those questions for you. what i can suggest, though, is to be yourself, relax and enjoy every minute. you both will be awkward enough, but you being the little fairy you are will solve most of your problems.”

“what was your first date like?” wonpil asks suddenly, looking at him with those puppy eyes again.

“nah, no way i’m telling you all the details, but you can try asking brian,” and yet jae doesn’t want to give in to those eyes.

“why do you keep telling me to ask brian?”

“because i lost to him when we were discussing who’d make the first move – you or dowoon,” with another heavy sigh, he reveals the truth and expects that wonpil will hit him, but nothing happens.

not until wonpil actually realizes just what exactly that means, because then jae has to run and hide in the bedroom as a very furious kim wonpil starts throwing pillows at him and threatens to choke him as soon as he leaves the room. just like he once told brian, when wonpil is mad, it’s better to hide from the world forever, especially if you’re jae, especially if you’re the one who made him mad. hiding is exactly what jae is doing right now, even though he knows that nothing is going to help him if wonpil really sets his mind on having his revenge.

“jae park! get back here immediately!” wonpil yells behind the door, but jae knows it’s way safer to stay inside. “at least tell me you now owe him something really dirty, i need this information for blackmail purpose.”

jae carefully weighs his options because he knows wonpil won’t calm down until he gets what he wants, which means he’s stuck in the room until he fulfills at least one of his friend’s wishes. on the one hand, he could honestly tell wonpil the story behind this bet and make sure he understands how much he actually owes brian now. on the other hand, he could just open the door, meaning he would most likely be not so gently hit with another pillow and also called a traitor or something, which he’s also not so fond of. see, being hit with a pillow would make him dizzy while being called a traitor would make him feel guilty, but revealing the secret they have with brian also doesn’t seem like the best way out. he sighs – for god knows which time today.

“alright, alright, i give up,” he says after thinking about it for a while.

“so?” wonpil asks impatiently. jae wishes he could hit wonpil with a pillow instead of being the one hit.

“we’re probably adopting a dog. not right now, but when brian’s tour is over. we didn’t expect you two to get together that soon, and we actually did it just for fun, but it’ll probably make brian the happiest person on this planet, so i’m all up for it.”

“okay, you can open the door now.”

something in wonpil’s voice tells jae that opening the door will be a mistake, and yet he buys it. on any other normal day, he would never believe wonpil and his caramel-like voice, but today is not a normal day, so he wants to believe his best friend and opens the door.

“ouch!” he yells when wonpil throws a pillow at him, making the difficult decision he had to make just a few minutes ago completely pointless.

they end up having a real pillow fight and although jae is thankful that wonpil decided not to comment on this whole situation, he’d much rather have a calm talk than this exhausting fight, not to mention the fact he’s left alone to clean all the mess that was mainly created by the one and only kim wonpil. as soon as the clock strikes nine, wonpil leaves with a hurried goodbye because he still has to walk his dog, that beautiful beth jae never gets a chance to cuddle because of his allergies, so jae is left alone in the quiet house.

he wonders, why’d brian be gone for so long, but decides to wait for another hour before calling him and then puts his music on shuffle before getting to cleaning their whole house instead of only dealing with what’s left after their pillow fight. to him cleaning has always been a way to cope with stress and anxiety and tonight seems like the perfect opportunity to finally do all those things he never had the time for since he moved in with brian. in fact, it feels like it’s been a long while since brian did any proper cleaning – understandable, considering the amount of things happening in their lives, and yet still a little bit annoying.

he gets so immersed in it that he forgets about everything and only realizes he wanted to call brian when it’s already half past eleven. the fact that brian still hasn’t returned has him worried, the situation strange and very uncomfortable, and even thinking about all the what ifs makes him want to run to the studio or wherever brian currently is, just to hold him, hear him, see him again.

he quickly picks up his phone and starts calling, but soon realizes it’s not getting him anywhere because brian’s phone rings somewhere in their bedroom. jae sighs upon understanding brian was in such a hurry that he forgot about everything, his phone included, and he sits on the floor with a deep frown on his face. he doesn’t know what to do now. should he call sungjin or use brian’s phone to call terry and try asking them? that’s the worst idea he could come up with, because first, it’s already late, and second, brian wouldn’t go to see his friends without giving him a warning – not in this situation, not ever. another option is to call his manager who’s supposed to know everything, but what if their meeting just lasted this long and everyone would think he’s that super clingy kind of a boyfriend when he’s not (or at least he wants to believe he’s not that type)? or, what if his manager wasn’t even present there?

but then again, he’s so damn worried he can almost feel his fingers trembling, so he gets up and makes his way to the bedroom, where brian’s phone is hidden under his, jae’s pillow. jae knows this thought is childish, but it feels like the phone has been waiting for him, as if brian placed it there on purpose, which is obviously not true, he didn’t even think about it at that time. when he takes the phone in his hands, he questions this decision for a second, because despite all the trust between them, this could be thought of as invading brian’s privacy.

the screen lights up with a notification, quickly stopping that train of thoughts. it’s from brian’s mother, a simple and short message: _“son, i am busy”_. that’s it – no “hi” or “sorry”, just this plain and somewhat sharp phrase. jae feels his heart sink because this is exactly what he thought about when he tried asking brian about the thing that was bothering him. he knew it wasn’t related to music or the party, he just felt that it had something to do with brian’s family, because it’s been a long while since he even mentioned his mom or dad, let alone saying they talked or had a call – it just never happened. and of course, today of all days it had to get even worse for brian, when he had to call jae’s mother without ever being able to call his own mother like this – not having to guess if she’s busy or not, knowing he’s always welcome. suddenly, jae feels so guilty for not noticing it earlier, for only feeling that something was wrong without realizing what exactly it was. even though it’s not his fault, not in the slightest, he feels awful because of not being able to help. or maybe he can actually help..?

he doesn’t let himself get too lost in this thought, instead unlocking brian’s phone to look for his manager’s number – surprisingly, he still doesn’t know it, just like he doesn’t have his parents’ numbers. jae can’t help but chuckle quietly when entering brian’s password, which is so easy that even a child could guess it, and he’s in for a surprise when he notices there’s a new message from brian’s manager, which was sent three hours ago. jae groans – how stupid he was all this time when he could’ve just checked the phone earlier!

he opens the message.

_good evening! i’m assuming the one reading this message must be jae. brian told us he forgot his phone and he wanted to have a quick meeting instead of a proper one, but, unfortunately, it wasn’t possible as we had to discuss all the upcoming schedules, especially filming a music video. however, and this is the reason i’m writing this message, he fell asleep halfway through the meeting, and since we’ve had his opinion on everything, we just carried on with it like nothing happened. it was a difficult decision, but he looked so exhausted and washed out that it was impossible to not let him sleep. he was still asleep when the meeting finished, so he’ll probably get back home a little late today. don’t worry, he’s fine!_

jae lets out a sigh of relief when he reaches the end of the message and even lets himself fall on the bed with a stupid yet happy smile on his face – just for a few seconds. he knows brian didn’t get enough sleep last night, but, unlike him, he didn’t get to take a nap during the day, so it’s understandable why he’d fall asleep, and, if anything, it should worry him even more, but instead he smiles, imagining how cute his boyfriend must look right now. it’s all okay – they both are, and this thought calms him down – just a little bit, but it’s enough for him to do his night routine without having that heavy feeling inside anymore. knowing that brian is safe is the only thing he needs right now, but as soon as he steps back into the house, watch jae immediately tuck him in.

he sends a quick text to his mother, telling her he’s doing alright and wishing her a good sleep and then gets under the blankets too. the bed is warm and comfortable, and it feels way nicer than yesterday, but it’s too big for him to be sleeping there alone, besides, he had some sleep during the day and so he doesn’t feel that sleepy yet, so he decides to read while waiting for brian to get back from the company building, which should be soon, as he feels. the thing he picks up from the nightstand is, however, not a book he’s been reading in the past few days, but brian’s notebook, the one he uses for writing lyrics. he brought it back to bedroom while cleaning the house and didn’t even notice that, but now that the notebook is in his hands, it’s difficult to put it back on the nightstand.

he’s never opened it, not even once, and only saw the drafts that brian let him see, so holding it now is exceptionally tempting. reading brian’s lyrics feels like reading his heart, his soul, because some of his songs – mostly unreleased ones, which were only played during concerts when brian felt like it, consisted of pure emotions, those raw feelings that were yet to be turned into beautiful metaphors and comparisons. reading those lyrics means getting to see all of the weaknesses and imperfections that brian is sometimes so afraid of sharing with the world, it means getting a deeper look at the things that worry him the most, or the things he wants to keep in his memories forever, those short songs written after special occasions – jae knows there are many of those, though he’s only heard one.

and yet opening the world of brian’s soul like this doesn’t feel right, even if jae knows that brian wouldn’t get mad at him and would probably even encourage him to keep reading. he isn’t sure is he’s ready for that himself, and he wants brian to show him the notebook – if he ever wants to. this is purely brian’s space and he has no right of stepping into it, no matter how close they are, how many moments of joy and total despair they’ve shared.

instead, though, an idea crosses his mind and he jumps out of bed to where their small desk is and takes a random piece of paper with a pen. he doesn’t bother getting back to bed, instead choosing to write it down before it disappears, following brian’s example of writing. what he’s got twenty minutes later isn’t lyrics per se, just an idea that still needs working on, but he gets under the blankets with a satisfied smile, feeling that he’s probably found a new way for him to deal with the stress and fears.

right at that moment he hears how someone opens the front door and tenses for a moment, despite knowing for sure that it’s no other than brian making his way home. his guess is, of course, correct, because just a few seconds later brian rushes through the door of their bedroom, pale as that piece of paper jae’s been writing on. jae decides he needs to bring colors back to that face, so he doesn’t even let brian open his mouth, almost jumping out of bed again to have his hands around brian’s neck and to crash their lips together.

the kiss is slow yet torrid as it’s the only way for jae to convey his feelings without actually having to say anything. brian still tries to say something when they pull away, but jae is quick to shush him with another kiss before tugging him closer to bed. he knows it would be way better for brian to have a shower or at least brush his teeth before going to sleep, so that he wouldn’t feel super gross in the morning, but he’s had enough of letting brian go for today. brian doesn’t seem that eager to argue anyway, as his eyes are still half-closed, even though he surely had a few hours of sleep back in the company building.

there’s a lot to talk about, especially discussing brian’s upcoming schedules and all that professional stuff, as jae still needs to decide what to do with his channel until he feels comfortable again as well, but all of that can wait.

“you’re so cute when you’re sleepy,” jae murmurs quietly.

“that’s my line,” brian protests, but it’s so weak that jae knows he doesn’t really mind.

“shut up and sleep already,” is all he says and it makes brian snort.

“i’ve been away for most of today and this is what i get when i return home,” he mumbles back, clearly fighting with sleep.

jae senses the sharp feeling of guilt upon hearing that as he remembers the short text from brian’s mother. still, he tries his best to avoid thinking that way. instead, he kisses brian’s nose and asks if brian can teach him how to write lyrics.

“you’re the professional here,” jae replies to brian’s barely audible “why me”.

brian just hums back with his eyes closed and it is soon followed by a quiet sound of snoring, which means he simply dozed off in the middle of their conversation – if that, of course, could be called a conversation in the first place. a wide grin adorns jae’s face when he turns off the lights and lets himself be taken to the world of dreamless sleep – his favorite world – too.

**Author's Note:**

> you can also support me on ko-fi if you like this work! i'd be beyond thankful xxx
> 
> https://ko-fi.com/starryj


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